Reinventing My Life

Wish I could give them the world!

2012-01-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

What a fabulous week for me! We celebrated Avery's 9th birthday and her gotcha day. Eight years ago this week, a few days after her first birthday, Avery was placed in my arms in Guangdong province, China and will forever be my daughter. She spent the first year of her life in an orphanage in Gaoming and adopting her is one the two best decisions of my life. The other best decision was adopting my other daughter Lily, from Jiangxi province several years earlier.

Parenthood is a marvelous spiritual, physical and emotional journey and has fulfilled something in me that I don't think could have been met any other way. I believe so strongly in life plans and soul agreements which are basically deals we make with one another and God before birth. We agree to love, challenge, teach and help one another grow and learn the lessons that we are here to learn. I think of my girls as walking testaments of faith because their entrance into my circle this lifetime was filled with twists, turns, agreements and reaching across thousands of mikes for one another. I am lucky to have them because seeing them daily reminds me of how the hand of the divine helps guide us if we let it and that the universe will line up behind you to make your dreams happen if you are on the right path.

I hope my children's book Together Again begins to shed a little light on this beautiful mystery of life, how the cord between heaven and earth is real. Now I need to write more, in different genres to continue to spread the word.

My extraordinary daughters have so many gifts and much to offer the world and one another. I watch them together and realize that they are probably not even aware of how much they are learning from each other. My wish is that they cherish one another for a lifetime. As their mom, I wish I could give them the world, open all the doors possible so they can grow into the women they are meant to be and fulfill the soul agreements that they have made. I am truly blessed to be a witness to it!

2012 is here!

2012-01-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

2012 is here! I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that one - another year has passed. Let's hope the Mayans got it wrong and we have many more to come. Another year older, hopefully another year wiser. I have accomplished much in 2011 and have much more to do in 2012 and beyond. I am amazed at how fast my girls are growing up and how time seems to speed by more quickly, the older that I get.

The New Year is a time to remember the past year and dream, imagine and envision the next one. Lots to be grateful for in 2011- amazing healthy kids who are doing well, wonderful family and friends, a boyfriend who sends flowers on a regular basis and two incredible opportunities- a fabulous new job and the publishing of my children's book, Together Again.

What am I envisioning in 2012- a focus on prosperity of all types- more writing, financial success and stability, continued spiritual growth (need to get my meditation practice back on track) and fitness and health. Instead of resolutions, I am focusing on life themes and goals.

What are your themes for 2012?

Together Again

2011-12-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

I have been very much a blogger slacker lately- with good reason. My children's book, "Together Again" has finally been published. The last six weeks have been a flurry of incredibly fun activity- selecting and working with an illustrator, selecting font types, cover art, reviewing book design. I am so excited and thrilled beyond words that it has come to life. The artist did an amazing job!.

The description and author bio from the book:

Have you ever felt as though you have known someone forever when you actually just met? Or felt a connection with your child or spouse that has an effortless, timeless quality? Together Again is the true story of such a soul connection between mother and daughter. Their story spans heaven and earth and thousands of miles as the two souls are reunited through the miracle of adoption. Their journey is spiritual as well as physical.

The story is told from the child's perspective: Do you remember where you lived before you were born? I do! I once live in heaven with my mommy and other people I love; then I was born in China. My mommy searched for me, found me across the ocean, and adopted me. From heaven to China to America ---we are together again!

Author, Laurie Stephens is a writer, dreamer, and a mom who loves laughter and this spiritual journey known as life. She works in the field of non-profit fundraising and marketing. Originally from Toledo, Ohio, Laurie currently resides in a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia, with her two incredible daughters.

To order go to http://www.shop.boutiqueofqualitybooks.com

National Adoption Month

2011-10-28T07:32:00.001-07:00

I wrote and posted this one year ago - but it holds true this November as well!

National Adoption Month
November is national adoption month, so I gathered some thoughts about adoption and asked my kids as well.

Ten Things to Know about Adoption- from an adoptive parent’s perspective

1. Adoption is a very personal decision that an individual or couple makes on how to build a family. Don’t automatically assume they have fertility issues or it is a “second-best choice.” It is a permanent, court approved loving decision and one way that parents and children come together. The choice to adopt domestically or internationally is based on many factors and we frequently just “know” our children are waiting for us.

2. Adoptive parents are not “saving” a child and/or looking for “gratitude” from our kids, particularly if the child has been adopted from a developing country. As any adoptive parent will tell you, we are the lucky ones to have these amazing kids in our lives. We will work hard to make sure that they have a full understanding and appreciation for their birth country and heritage.

3. If you are really interested in adoption, the costs and the process- most of us would be happy to discuss our experience or refer you to our adoption agency. We do not, however, want to have these conversations in front of our children. And we will probably not discuss our child’s or their birthparent’s personal history with you.

4. Yes, there are costs involved in adoption, but we do not buy our children. The costs are for attorney fees, travel, paperwork, medical care and orphanage support. Similar in fact to the costs associated with pregnancy and delivery- without the healthcare insurance.

5. We are our children’s “real parents” and they have “real brothers and sisters” in their families. Our children have birthparents who gave them life. We have the joy of raising them and are their parents.

6. It is important not to belittle birthparents. We often have no idea as to why the painful decision was made to place a child for adoption. Even when a child is officially abandoned without record, as often happens in China, there are numerous factors- poverty, government policy, family and cultural pressure that led to the decision.

7. The vast majority of adoptions are wonderful experiences. The media, however, will report on the rare occasions when it does not work out well and an adoption is interrupted. Yes, these are sad and heartbreaking stories and trust me, we have already heard them. Just as a pregnant woman does not want to hear about labor and delivery horror stories, an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent does not want these to be repeated time and time again. We work with our adoption agency and or counselor to prepare for problems that we could face.

8. My child was not “chosen” for adoption because he or she is special. That terminology puts an unnecessary pressure on a child to stay special or perfect. It is actually, the parent(s) that is selected and must live up to certain criteria to be matched with a child. It is our responsibility to make it work.

9. My child is not permanently damaged because he or she was adopted or spent time in foster care or an orphanage. Yes, problems can occur and there are many programs and therapies available to offer solutions to parents and children. However, I don’t assume every behavioral issue or act of misbehavior is because my child is adopted. We are vigilant in getting our kids the help they need – just as parents of biological kids deal with their kids issues. Studies show that the vast majority of adopted kids adjust well and become successful in life.

10. As fellow parents, please speak up when you see an adoption myth being perpetuated in the media or in conversation. Help us spread the word about adoption and help your kids understand that our families are very normal- we just built them in a different way.

Thoughts from my children about adoption

7 year old’s perspective

• Coolest thing about being adopted- “meeting my mom and dad”
• Why did your mommy adopt you – “we matched’
• What do you think about your birthparents in China- “they still love me but could not take care of me.”
• What do your friends ask you about being adopted from China – “why don’t you speak Chinese?”

11 year old’s perspective

• Coolest thing about being adopted –“it is cool to have an interesting background”
• “Don’t like it when people look at us strange or stare because you are white and we are Asian, I think most people who stare do not know what adoption really is all about.”
• Do you ever think about your birthparents and a loss with them not in your life-
“No, because with a loss comes a gain, I am curious, but do not get sad about it.”
• “What matters most is the scenario or family you get adopted into “
• What is more challenging to deal with- being adopted or a being Asian – “being Chinese – it is more noticeable”

Circle of Friends

2011-10-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

Maeve Binchy wrote a wonderful book a number of years ago called Circle of Friends. It was then made into an equally good movie starring Minnie Driver and Chris O'Donnell. Circle of friends- that phrase is stuck in my head today. I attended a reunion this weekend of the adoption travel group for my youngest daughter, Avery. We all traveled to China together 7 1/2 years ago to adopt the baby girls that became our precious daughters. Beyond being amazed at how these sweet girls have grown and blossomed, I was struck at how quickly they bonded and connected. We have not seen one another for many years and in one case- since the trip to China. But this group of 8 year-old girls were off playing, laughing, having "scream offs" and we had to drag them away from one another when it was time to go. I know that part of that is just being a kid- the "hey, let's play" mentality when you meet a new person that adults unfortunately forget and replace with judgement and wariness. But it was beyond that- they hugged and played as if they had known each other forever- which actually they have when you think about it.

The girls shared an orphanage and have common history, ethnicity and similiar stories. They actually have more in common than most of their classmates. I watched them in their "circle" and was reminded of the value of friendship. The parents are part of a circle as well, people who would probably never have met if it were not for this experience.

Think of the circles in our lives and how they change over the years, sometimes overlapping and sometimes fading over time. Common interests, shared experiences and stages of life all lead to the creation of our various circles of friends. Of course, there are the precious friends who you meet because of one experience and the connection is so strong that you stay in one another's lives forever. I have one friend who is living on other side of the world and I haven't seen her well over a year, but I still feel connected. We helped one another through some tough times and I will always treasure her friendship. I hope my daughters develop these friendships- some deep and lasting and some more circumstantial...they are all important.

You always here so much about the importance of family...and it is important. However, so are friendships. I think sometimes that we need to be reminded of the value of the people that we choose to add into our lives- our friends. These connections can bring us joy, support, laughter, compassion and fill our hearts much as family can many times.

Celebrate your circles of friends...or better yet- create a new one!

Spiritual lessons-your stories needed

2011-09-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

Isn't it wonderful how sometimes one when area of your life seems to get on track- others fall in line as well? You become inspired to keep going, moving forward and to try new projects or pull an old dream off of the shelf and start again.

For me- I got an amazing new job and at the same time was able to move forward with my children's book - "Together Again" which will be published hopefully by the holidays. While working on revising the manuscript and explaining the concept to the illustrator, I was struck with how much more I need to write.

The book is about the adoption of a baby girl from China and the experiences that she and her mother have in finding one another again. Yes, I said again, because I am attempting to include some key spritual principles in the book- ideas that I am finding are radical to some folks. I believe that we are all connected at a soul/spiritual level, that we plan our lives with divine guidance before birth and that the people who surround us are here on purpose. In terms of adoption, this includes children, siblings, parents and birthparents-all connected in unique ways and all with a role to carry out, a purpose to serve and a lesson to learn or to teach. My book editor resisted a bit- wanting to remove the early references to being in heaven before we are born (she thinks it will be confusing to young children) and eliminating the birthmother from the story all together. I cannot do either as it would the essence and purpose of the whole book. Plus, I believe that young children actually have the purest and most open spiritual perspectives of all, many talk about being with God and often see angels. Of course, a birthparent must be included in any adoption story - they are part of our lives and not people to be demonized or ignored.

This will all be ironed out in editing. I will add some language that will make the concepts clearer for children but will not compromise my vision for the book. Can you imagine the hoopla that would have occurred if I had included reincarnation into the story? The conversations have helped me realize that I really must go forward with two other pieces of writing - a novel with a reincarnation theme to be titled "When Earth Turns Over Heaven" and a non-fiction book called "Spirit Connects Us All."

The non-fiction piece will be a compilation of real life stories of families that have come together in unique ways and reinforce the message that spiritual connections not biology are the true foundation for a family. There are some amazing adoption stories out there not to mention deep relationships with step parents and foster families. Some of the connections, twists of fate (like the woman who adopted from China twice, years apart from different orphanages and ended up raising daughters that she found out were full biological sisters- there HAS to be a divine hand in that) and paths that lead us together are fascinating. Do you know someone with a story to tell about how their family was built - put them in contact with me!

I will continue to edit my book without compromise and look for new ways to communicate that spirit really does connect us all!

A mother's cry.... all of us cry

2011-08-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

I have watched the news reports of the famine and drought in Africa with horror, sadness and pure sobbing grief. 30,000 sons and daughters already buried and an estimated 600,000 total children may die before the end of the year if this crisis is not changed. Dying... of hunger. Dying... of diseases that are completely preventable or curable like whooping cough... I find it sadly ironic that we are battling obesity in the West and children are dying from hunger in Africa. How did our priorities on this planet get so incredibly out of whack??
The most heart wrenching story I saw on CNN was that of a mother in grief after burying her child. Her cries were universal and touching. That has taken place 30,000 times already in this crisis, 600,000 is totally unacceptable. Think about all of the kids in your town, city, state dying- that is the enormity of this situation.

Take a minute now to then factor in the number of adults who have and will also die and then add to the mix the atrocities being done to women in the midst of the tragedy - this is a time of unbelievable loss. The atrocities I refer to are the rape and gang rape of women refugees by soldiers or bandits. Imagine- you are starving, fleeing for your life across a desert with your children and it is not safe to gather water or find a place to use the bathroom or you could be abducted and brutally violated- some women reporting attacks by gangs of men that last hours.

Perhaps the death and sadness are just too overwhelming for people to watch or to care about. Imagine for a minute if this situation were happening in our country-it would be the top news story every night, people would be outraged. The childish antics of our elected officials would pale in comparison to these events in terms of news coverage. I am not naive. I understand that this is a poor and misundertsood part of the world. I understand that there are political issues, corruption and religious and racial differences in Kenya, Somalia and Ethopia. But children are STARVING. That one simple fact should cause any human being with a heart or conscience to stand up and demand action. And yes, they aren't in OUR country- so what? They are people- children, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and grandparents with a heart and soul just like ours. That mother's cry could be our own expect for geography. The human race is all connected- through energy, physics and spirit. What are the ramifications to those of us outside of this tragedy if we sit by and do nothing?

There is so much brilliance, talent and drive among human beings across the globe. We have collectively created an international space station, cured diseases and designed super computers and new technology. We can develop Viagra and the space shuttle...but can't figure out how to navigate political and logistical problems to get food and water to a starving baby? Someone help me understand this.

What can we do? It does seem overwhelming and easier to bury your head in the sand. But it isn't. Do what you can:
* get educated and learn what is going on
* share this horror story with others
* make your kids aware- perhaps their generation will do a better job one day
* make a donation (10 dollars can feed a child for 10 days) by checking out the reputable charities listed on CNN
* if you are spiritual- say a prayer
* call, email or write your legislators and make sure they are informed and active (about time they did something of value)
* remember how incredibly blessed and lucky you are

A mother is crying. Can you hear her? I can't get her voice out of my head.

The Pace of Change

2011-07-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Exciting things are happening in my life right now! A big one involves an exciting major change -a new job. After nearly 25 years at my current company, I am moving on to a new role with a wonderful organization. Interesting how change, and time for that matter, seem to have different paces at different stages of your life. During the job search, it seemed to take forever as I interviewed with company after company, and watched colleagues move onto different opportunities. Now I can hardly believe that in a week, I will be the one moving on.

It is fascinating how you can long for things - new jobs, relationships, children, publishing a book and it seems to take forever to happen. Then when it does, you can hardly believe it is there already. I remember waiting for the adoption referrals for my daughters. Those months and months seem to drag on- now my daughters are growing up way too fast for my taste. Where did the time go?

Is time relative after all? Vacations fly by yet time in the dentist's chair sure doesn't seem to. I believe the change we seek and the time it takes to happen is a product of far more than our effort. There is a divine hand at play making sure the circumstances are right and that we are ready, really ready, for the changes to happen. When you think about it, the year job search I conducted is really only a speck of time against the backdrop of the universe and history.

When I looked at my reinvention journey a little while back it seemed to have stalled, now I realize a ton of changes have and are still happening in my life. New job, I am in a relationship, have made some incredible new friends and I am on the edge of publishing my children's book. I still have a lot to accomplish. With 48 looming in a few weeks, I really want to get my healthy eating and exercise habits back on track so the next year can be the healthiest yet. I am still working on spiritual growth- that is a continual process.

So if you are trying to reinvent yourself and seeking changes in your life, it is alright if it takes awhile and try to enjoy the journey...the future will be here before you know it!

My favorite new quote from the Dalai Lama sums it up:

Asked what surprised him most about humanity, The Dalai Lama answered, "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. Then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Parenthood!

2011-06-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

Ah parenthood! The stuff of stories, songs, legend and one of the funniest movies ever made starring Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen. I see myself and my friends struggle, laugh, cry, become filled alternately wtih joy and concern and ultimatly triumph at this most holy of jobs - being a Mom or Dad. It is truly the most amazing and wonderful aspect of my life. I can't imagine my life without motherhood.

We all do it differently. Our relationships with our kids are unique because we are unique and so are they. Even children raised by the same parents have a different experience than their siblings. They have different memories, perspectives, scars and connections. Birth order, personality and varying parenting styles and circumstances create a unique experience for each member of the family. I have seen one sibling not understand why another holds certain hurts or grudges against a parent- they had a different relationship and needed different levels of nurturing, affection and/or discipline than another did. One size does not fit all.

I have come to realize that being a good parent does not mean that everything has to be "equal or fair." The trick is to do your best to meet the needs of your kids as individuals. Heaven knows I am far from mastering this balance, but I am trying. I do believe that all kids do need love and acceptance for their unique natures. How mamy times have you seen parents trying to put kids in a mold or have a plan for them that mirrors their own dreams or the successes of an older sibling. I have seen other amazing parents who have seemed to master this mystery of parenting idividually.

The parenthood experience gives you a new appreciation for your own mother and father. Whether married, divorced or single, gentle or tough, strong or addicted and troubled- our parents did the best that they could with what they had. As Maya Angelou says "when you know better, you do better." Sure, there are selfish, unskilled and unloving parents out there - check out the awful court trials in the news. Usually these folks are in extreme pain themselves. And not every person should or was meant to parent. But for every troubled parent, there is someone longing to become a mother or a father.

And yes, our parents made mistakes. We are also making them with our children. At some point, you realize that our parents were people too, not superhumans, and that their mistakes or parenting errors were not deliberate attempts to screw us up. They were simply learning how to raise a child and following the models and patterns of their parents and the times in which they lived. That discovery of our own parents' vulnerability helps make out own journey easier. And the knowledge that you can parent your own way, in the style that works for you and your children is liberating. It is the essence of "when you know better, you do better."

All parents out there - pat yourselves on the back and be not afraid!! And remember, some day your kids might be on this miraculous path themselves and ask you for some parenting advice!

Chicken ala cart

2011-06-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

The writing fever is back

2011-05-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

The writing fever is back! One of the purposes of this blog is to put some structure and yes even discipline around writing. Having a blog to write pushes me to put these crazy plans, thoughts, inspirations and observations down in written form.

I am absolutely amazed that people in over thirty countries around the world have read this blog. Recently, folks from Iran, the Netherlands, Denmark and Nigeria have become readers. That is truly astonishing to me! They found this blog through google and other searches. The power of the internet to connect people with common ideas, viewpoints or challenges is wonderful. It reminds me, once again, how connected we are as human beings in site of nationality, culture or circumstance. In my opinion, we are connected beyond our common humanity.

We are connected because we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Our souls, spirits, energy, essence - use the word that best describes your beliefs, are all connected. And that connection transcends biology, race, gender, geography and even lifetimes. The idea that our energy is all connected fascinates me and explains so much about human behavior and what brings us peace and contentment and dare I say it happiness.

I realize that all of my writing projects currently on paper or in my brain, including a children's picture book, magazine articles, non-fiction book and a novel all have this theme at their core. Interestingly enough, when I am writing or working with this theme in mind "Spirit Connects Us All", the words flow and things fall into place. The stories need to be told and it just might be my place to tell them.

Glad the writing fever is back!

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T11:22:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of my friends, family and readers of this blog whom I have never met! This is a day to celebrate all the moms who carry life, give birth, adopt a child, step-parent, foster parent and mentor. A salute to those who love a child, guide a child and share their very heart and soul.

Becoming a mother is such a profound, life changing experience that it is almost impossible to describe to someone who has not heard the words.."MOM- where is my backpack?, MOM, can we go shopping.., "Mommy, I love you." My daughters fill my heart with such joy and light that I can't really even remember, or maybe I don't want to remember life without them. I remain convinced that we have been together in previous lives. Yes, I believe in reincarnation and this dance of life that we experience together is one of a number of times we have laughed, loved and learned as a family. We are connected on levels that are far deeper than biology or environment- our very souls are linked.

While the journey to become a mother to my daughters feels magical, an act of destiny and full of love, I am reminded on days like today that there is sadness beneath the joy. There are two women in China who weren't able to keep and raise their baby daughters. They took their infants to public places, wrapped them in blankets and left them for authorities to find. Those sweet babies where taken to orphanges and then made their way into my arms as my own daughters through adoption. I have no judgement here- the pressure on women to give birth to sons, the one couple/one child policy in China, poverty and a patriarchal society is an intense combination. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow that the birthmothers felt and probably still do. Their loss became my joy.

My heart breaks for these women- my daughters' birthmothers. I wish we knew them. I have to believe that somehow they know that those babies are now beautiful girls who are beloved and treasured. I take some spiritual comfort in the fact that I believe that I am connected to these women as well. This tangle of emotions and connection that wrapped our lives together was deliberate and meant to provide us all with lessons and purpose.

So on this special day, I celebrate all the wonderful moms across the world. Mothers are powerful in ways that can truly change history. The love we feel for our children spans generations, distance, race, boundaries and lifetimes.

Wired to care.

2011-04-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

I had a fascinating conversation this week with a colleague in the non-profit world about what drives us as human beings to help, volunteer, donate and reach out to others.

At times the need seems so deep - genocide, crimes against humanity, gender violence around the world, preventing child abuse and sexual trafficking, helping sick kids, clean water, ending poverty, fighting disease, promoting health, disaster relief, feeding the hungry, concern for animals, saving the planet.... The list of causes and needs could go on and on. Sometimes this list grows so long in our consciousness that it is overwhelming.

I believe human beings are good by nature and that a caring, compassionate spirit is inside the real us - although it can often be buried under a hardend facade or a cynical exterior. It never ceases to amaze me how we humans rise up and help another in need. Often I wonder, though, if folks just get saturated with sorrow and tune out the images, the news reports and the appeals for help. We ask oursleves, why should I care about something happening on another continent? Or there is no point - my contribution or time will just be a drop in the bucket so I am going to hide away from the pain. .

Then something happens- a tornado, earthquake, diagnosis, a photo of a starving child whose eyes haunt us or perhaps a news story on genocide in Darfur and the enormity of the loss of life strikes us. Of course we care, even if it happens across the globe. Why, because we see ourselves in another's eyss. There except for one strand of DNA or a twist of fate and that could be us. Sometimes I wonder if it is God's way of reminding us to be grateful for our own lives. I read a great quote the other day from a woman who was sharing the great advice her mother had given her - she said if you are depressed or sad go out and do somthing for someone else, it will put your problems in perspective.

On a deeper level, I think that at some point of our core we remember in these moments that we are all connected - at a soul level, at a cellular level and through our shared energy. Science is now proving this energetic connection between life. There is an amazing new documentary out called "I Am" which really demonstrates that physics prove that fundamental connection between us and that we are wired to care for one another. Compassion and cooperation are part of our DNA. I have just read about the film but can't wait to see it. I too believe that we are wired to care. The need seems overwhelming, but is it really? If all of us tapped into this wired reality of our hearts and spirits, couldn't we collectively make a huge dent in this pile of need?

That "wiring" is why we keep giving, volunteering, helping our neighbors and supporting causes that touch our hearts. It is also probably why is feels so good to help another person, be generous or to do he right thing - we are acting on our true nature, honoring our connections and that brings us joy. Think about it, have you ever met a happy person who also happens to be selfish, mean or uncaring - instead, they are miserable. Isn't it wonderful to know we are wired to care?

poetry

2011-04-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

I follow up my recent blogpost about helping our girls keep their voice with something I think is quite extraordinary. My 12 year old daughter wrote a poem for her Language Arts class. In addition to the beauty of the words, I was impressed and actually rather in awe of her strength and confidence. I believe that she may indeed have her voice and I have a deep belief she will not lose it.

After much discussion, she agreed to allow me to post her work. She amazes me..

Taking Chances Lily Stephens 4/20/11

don’t sit around
for life
to find You

grasp it
in the palm of Your hands

let it shine
let Your dreams
become Your reality

its like a dare
You have two roads
to walk…

the easy-going,
popular,
obvious choice:
NO I can’t

Or…
with Your eyes beaming
You can walk
that plank
into the unknown realm
of YES I can

don’t let fear
cloud
Your courage

feel the wind
as You jump
out of the plane

let Your heart
skip a beat
as You finally
ride that ride

You are You
and only You
have the power
to what You become

so go ahead.
say NO
don’t climb that mountain
sit in the shadows
of Your dreams

OR
live life
create the climax to Your story.
Take Chances.

Helping our daughters keep their voice

2011-04-19T16:21:00.001-07:00

Speak and stand in your truth. To thine own self be true. Follow your bliss. Be yourself. How many times have we heard and read these bits of wisdom? Follow your instincts. Know your worth. These nuggets of truth really do offer a road to happiness and peace, but are certainly harder to live by than it may appear on the surface.

The past weekent, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a fundraising event for G-CAPP (Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention) and the focal message of the evening was to help our girls - our daughters, nieces, granddaughters, sisters- find and keep their truth, voice and their spirit as they experience the tumultuous time of change that is adolescence. The special guests- Jane Fonda and Gabby Sibide told their stories of finding, keeping, sometimes losing and then re-discovering that very essential strength of sense many years later- often in mid-life.

Our girls seem to lose that sense of fearlessness and confidence that marks early girlhood. I have written of this before- about how these tigers (or I guess tigresses) of girlhood are strong, smart, confident, funny, like to get dirty, play sports, dream BIG and excel at school. If you have any doubt, observe a gaggle of 7-11 year old girls at play or as I have in large numbers at a slumber party! Unfortunately, they often lose a little of that luster when hormones, pressure, competition for male attention and societal mores that they be "good girls" but also sexy girls, not make a scene, not outshine the boys and by all means fit in that begins to kick in with puberty.

So how do we help them keep that strength, that voice and confidence? I don't think there are any easy answers. But here is a bit of what I have picked up and will do my best to try and do as a mom: let them discover who and what they are - without pushing them in the direction of your choice, create at haven at home where she can be her true essential self, try to remember what it feels like to be 12, 13, 14 and be discovering who you are while making mistakes along the way, listen without judgement and talk even if it doesn't seem as though she is listening.

The other aha moment from the evening was really a reminder- you can't expect your daughter to keep her voice, stand up for herself and know her worth - if you don't know yours. That may actually be the most powerful tool of all in this quest. Do I stay true to me, pursue my dreams with abandon, require respect from those in my life and love myself no matter what?

In spite of all the history, the statistics and concerns - I do have great hope for this generation of girls.

Karma...

2011-03-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Karma, what an interesting topic! It is not just the doctrine of eastern religions but a universal law - you reap what you sow, like attracts like, you give what you get, every action has a reaction. Some folks even believe that what returns to your life is actually three times what you dish out. So if you treat people poorly, cheat, or are deliberately unkind, you will get back consequences threefold. On a positive note, if you strive to be kind, reach out to others to help and act with integrity, the natural and divine law says the same will return to you in kind.

So what does this have to do with my reinvention journey? I made a conscious decision a number of years ago to better educate myself about the laws of karma and this has impacted how I deal with situations in my life. I strive to be as kind and generous as possible with my time, attention, love and material resources. Do I always meet that goal, heck no- but it is a goal and I work toward it.

The wonderful as well as frustrating thing about this concept is that laws like this have their own timeframe (not our emotionally driven schedule) and are universal. So you do not have to try and "make it happen." If someone does something awful to you, taking revenge is not the answer. Perhaps that is one reason that forgiveness is so important. The person will receive their due, it just may not come from you and you may not be there to see it. This is of course, much easier to say than to do.

There has been one time in my life in particular when I was so hurt that I really, really, really, really wanted to respond in kind and take revenge. I am not talking about self-defense- in my opinion, we have the right to do that. I mean revenge - to find a way to hurt the person who so hurt you. I restrained myself from going there and had a good friend who reminded me that "hurt people, hurt people." I am so glad that I remembered the lesson of karma during that time of pain. Now, many years later I have a broader perspective and have been able to retain relationships that would have been damaged with revenge. I was able to get through the experience with dignity and grace and I have some blessings in my life because of it. And when karma finally did catch up with the person involved, I didn't take any pleasure from it, it just made me sad.

Nobody goes through life jolly, happy and wearing rose colored glasses all the time. And sometimes it is hard to envision how all of this works when bad things happen to good people. But we are not privy to their lessons or their agreements with God or other people. I have to be honest and admit that I still struggle with the karmic meaning behind situations when children are hurt.

The whole idea of karma is on my mind this week because I have seen such wonderful things happen to two dear friends of mine. Friends who have endured some tough times and stayed loving, honest, kind and compassionate through their challenges. I can rejoice with them.

I have realized as well, that this universal law of action, sowing and reaping is sometimes hard to recognize because it doesn't always show up as we expect- we are not provided a balance sheet that says you do X and you get Y. Here is an example, I was talking to my daughters a few years ago about the importance of helping other people out when they need it. I have had the good fortune of being able to open my home as a place to stay on occasion when family and friends have needed a fresh start. My daughter said, "mom you must like helping people and maybe we (she and her sister) are your karma reward for helping them." Um, I think she could be more than a little correct. I tell that story NOT to pat myself on the back by any means but to demonstrate the intricate nature of all of this.

So when it gets tough and people around you seem to be getting ahead or gaining at your expense or the cost of another, remember there is much more here than meets the eye and as long as we stay focused on ourselves and our actions, the law of karma will take care of the rest.

Know your worth!

2011-03-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have been helping a friend this week as she goes through the interview and negotitation process in her job search. Our conversations have reminded me once again that we often sell ourselves short and while we may at some level know our value and worth, we don't always express it to others and demand our due. Is it because we are women? Are we somehow taught that we are worth less, especially in the workplace? Shouldn't we just be grateful and quiet for what we have - unsatisfying relationships (at least you have one,) underpaid job, entry-level offer when our skills are worth so much more. Heck no, we shouldn't settle! I think we can learn a big, no a huge lesson from our male brethren on this one.

A guy will ask for a higher salary, will walk away from a poor offer, won't let someone take credit for or steal his idea, he will go for the CEO job, will expect he can get the woman of his dreams....somehow just assuming "of course I am worth it." And he is- and so are we. I wish I could put my finger on why we do this submissive dance and seem to feel that we need to take what we can get. So if you are doubting yourself in any area of your life- YOU are worth it. You are worth a partner who treats you well and with respect, you are worth success, you are worth equal pay, you are worth that top job, you are worth it all!

Ironically, the company would not raise the offer for my friend, but the recruiter said. "You did the right thing in refusing to settle for this pay, I have another position coming up that pays better and is more suited to your qualifications."

Here is my all time favorite quote from Marianne Williamson that sums it up beautifully:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Go for it and rock on!!

Borrowing my children from the future

2011-03-20T07:24:00.001-07:00

What a gorgeous morning for the first day of Spring! The wind is brisk and fresh with a hint of the warmth and heat that is coming for the day. There is nothing so refreshing to me than a full breeze. The sky is cloudy yet not menacing, as if to say while it may shower, it will not storm today. It is the kind of day that does what the first day of spring is supposed to do- bring you feelings of hope for the future and gratitude for what you have in your life.

Perhaps it is the beauty of this day or maybe the tragedies happening in Japan and Libya but it is certainly a time of gratitude for me. Of course, gratitude for me always means looking to my daughters and their appearance and place in my life. I marvel, as usual, at how I could have gotten so lucky. Two baby girls living in different orphanages thousands of miles away in China each needing a mommy, a family. Me, back in the US wanting to become a mother...searching for her daughter(s.) And we all come together. Seems like something pretty miraculous to look on with gratitude.

Now as they grow, I marvel even more. It is pretty amazing to watch your little girls become young women. My oldest seems to be maturing at warp speed, I often shake my head and think, hold on now, I want to freeze time for a bit, don't grow up so fast. It seems as though they are little girls one minute and then all of a sudden, within a year or a few months they are no longer so young. I realize that I am lucky to be a small part of that transformation.

I am reminded of an old quote about how your children don't really "belong" to you you- they belong to themselves, you just borrow them for a little while... you host them for the future. I realize that in what will seem like a blink of an eye, they will be grown, off to college and their own lives. Yikes - that is going to bring a kind of bittersweet sorrow to me that I can only just imagine at this point. I will need to remember in those moments that I just borrowed them for a while.

As I am sure, all my fellow parents will attest, that bittersweet sorrow is all worth it. The joy, gladness in my heart, laughter and fullness that being a mom brings is worth any sadness, frustration and eyerolls/sighing that a pre-teen can dish out. It is easier when you realize that in growing up, they are going to begin distancing from you, separating into themselves- and that means that you have done your job.

For today, however, I am going to revel in being a mommy. I am going to remind them just how much I love them. I am going to pretend they are mine for today..let tomorrow get here when it comes.

What are you grateful for today?

Devastation in Japan...a global cosmic reminder

2011-03-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else with connection to the outside world, I have been watching the reports of the devastating eathquake and tsunami in Japan. Incredibly sad footage and news coverage with a death toll that is mounting daily as villages are reached and appear to have literally been washed away. As always, when a tragedy like this strikes, people from around the globe rise up and lend a hand -donations of money, time, resources flow in to aid those who have been impacted. The wrath of Mother Nature seems to call us to action, be it a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, tornado, drought - the human spirit responds to the resulting pain in a powerful way.

For a while, we forget our self-imposed separateness and we can imagine ourselves in that situtation. A crying child being held by rescuers, for example, seems to resonate for all - no matter if that child is in New Orleans, Africa, Haiti, Indonesia or Japan. For a while we remember that we are ALL connected despite boundaries both real and imagined. We remember that pain, loss and grief are universal and felt as deeply here at home as they are on the other side of the world. We remember compassion and are reminded that it could just as easily be us or one of our family members lost to the unforgiving tide. As one of my friends likes to say - "there but by a chromosone and a twist of fate go I."

This tragedy struck me as even more deep than most in reminding us of this lesson. The tsnumai did its damage in Japan and then moved into other targets - different countries, different continents sharing the same threat and fear. The risk of nuclear meltdown in Japan surely had huge consequences beyond the country's borders.

My pollyanna attitude is going to come out now, but why do we forget about this unity and connectedness once the initial horror fades? Wouldn't it be amazing if we could marshall this sense of connectedness and common purpose on a regular basis to deal with shared problems across the globe. How many times do we need to see a devastating weather related disaster before we collectively say "crap, we need to get our collective act together and stop mistreating the planet." And how many children in this country and across the globe need to go to bed hungry or die of starvation and malnutrition before we decide that it is unacceptable. Really, in 2011 with all the the technology, advancements, and brilliance in the world should a child be dying of hunger? Or should a woman be dying of cervical cancer anywhere when it is preventable?

Obviously, we get caught up in our own life, problems and challenges, I am by no means diminishing those - I have a few big ones if my own right now. And then, the earth splits, the ocean roars, the winds spin out of control, rain is non-existent and we take notice.. a fellow human being needs help. I am an eternal optimist who believes in the innate goodness of the human spirit. These tragic moments give me hope that we do remember..somewhere buried deep, the unity of our souls, the interconnected nature of our existence.

Feminist - why does the word get a bad rap?

2011-03-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

It is International Women's Day, a time to recognize the accomplishments of women in history and highlight the issues that remain for females around the world. We tend to sometimes think only of our own experiences and assume that the cause for gender equality is no longer necessary. Remember, it was not that long ago when women could not buy a home or even get a credit card without a husband and his approval (yikes, makes my skin crawl just typing this.) The future for my daughters is much more open than in the past and they will have so many more choices about how to create their lives than their grandmothers and great-grandmothers were given. And my daughters and I have all of the women who went before us to thank for those choices. As a mother, I say thank you to every woman and man who fought for our right to vote, own property, attend college, the list goes on....

However, lets take a look at issues that still exist here and around the world that impact the status of women:

* Lack of gender balance among those in political power - even though women make up at least half of the population. Take a look at a photo of Congress and watch an interview or two during election season with someone who "just couldn't vote for a woman"... enough said.

* In spite of the phrase "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, the role of a wife and mother is seen as a secondary, lesser purpose. Stay at home moms are still viewed as not having a "real job."

* Women (and children) make up a disproportionate number of those living in poverty around the world.

* Instead of teaching our daughters to honor and OWN their sexuality and that it is a gift belonging to them we are teaching them that it should be fostered, packaged for others and given away. We are sexualizing girls at even younger ages instead of teaching them that their brains, talents and personality should be their focus.

* Cultures and religious traditions that consider women second class citizens and not as worthy as their male counterparts. It is easy to jump out side the USA for these examples, but lets look close to home also.

* The international sex trafficking trade- very young girls (and boys) kidnapped or sold into the sex trade. Innocence and a life destroyed. I guess we have gotten immume to horror because I still can't figure out why decent people around the world, governments around the globe, the UN, and every parent out there hasn't risen up and demanded an end to this crime.

* Rape as an act of war. Go ahead and google mass rape in the Congo and see what innocent women and children are experiencing right now as you are reading this blog.

Imagine your daughter, sister, mother in these very real circumstances that exist around the world:

* Girls are not allowed to attend school (read Three Cups of Tea or Reading Lolita in Tehran for real life searing examples.)

* Women cannot cannot divorce (but their husbands can drop them in a heartbeat.)

* Women can't drive a car

* Women can't own property

* Women are viewed as property to be bartered.

* Women can't seek preventive medical care because a man may see their body.

* A girl baby is born but her birth and life are not celebrated because she is not a boy. She may be abandoned.

* A girl has no right to say no so she is married against her will at a young age to an older man.

How does the word feminist fit into this blogpost? Somewhere along the way, the word feminist became a bad word. Women and men are afraid to call themselves one. A feminist is simply a person, man or woman, who cares about any of the issues highlighted above. A feminist is not a man-hating, bra burning scary woman, but a person who feels that women and men are equal and should have the same basic opportunity to shape their lives. Feminism is not about taking from men but about partnering with men for equality for all. What is so scary about that?

The urge to purge!

2011-03-01T10:23:00.001-08:00

Yes, the urge to purge (no not in an eating disorder, Black Swan kind of way) but in a real term "stuff" kind of way. Purging stuff - both literally in terms of junk, clutter, old clothes as well as outdated ways of thinking, attitudes and habits can make you feel lighter, fresher and renewed.

It is almost time for spring cleaning where I live and our recent early warm weather has pushed my purging drive into overtime. As my neighbors will attest, I get a dumpster once a year or so and get rid of junk - they often add their own junk as well. It seems as though in spite of my best efforts I accumulate extra stuff - water stained junk in the basement, old rugs, toys we don't use, holiday items, furniture, clothes. Of course, we give as much as possible to charity but there still seems to be stuff to get rid of, hence the dumpster. It is time!

I think spring cleaning is a very healthy exercise, both in terms of reducing clutter but also to clear out the mind and psyche. Not to get too "woo-woo" here but there is something real in the ancient Chinese theory of chi and energy flow- sometime you have to make room in your home and your life for the energy, ideas and air to flow. Breathing room...

The physical helps release the emotional, psychological and spiritual as well. Stuff from the past has energy, often negative or sad and memories are attached to it and tossing it can lighten the load. That is why you often hear of folks buying a new bed after a divorce. The act of cleaning, sorting, organizing, donating and tossing can be almost zenlike for me and gets me thinking about what else I need to remove from my life- any remaining baggage, old hurts, resentments or disappointments, habits I would like to change or even relationships that no longer are positive and support my growth. Ironically enough, deciding to let the past go really does work- making a decison, releasing it and then changing your thoughts impacts your mood, emotions and life.

I am working on reinvention, changing some key parts of my life and letting things and stuff go is a necessary part of the process. So it is time to clear, clean out and create. Look out neighbors- the dumpster is coming soon!

Race, socio-economic status and schools..oh my

2011-02-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

Of all of the topics I have blogged about - this is probably going to be the post that makes the most people upset with me, heck I may even lose a few friends over this opinion. But I need to express it, one of the my goals is to live an authentic life and be true to my beliefs.

Once again, my neighborhood, county and city are in an uproar about school redistricting. A new high school has been built and needs to be filled, the theory is that it will relieve overcrowding. The school is in a wealthy, primarily white area of my community. The trickle down impact, of course, is some kids currently attending other high schools will change schools and the feeder middle schools and possibly even elementary schools will be impacted. Nobody likes change, especially when it impacts their kids.

One of the outcomes of these changes could be the movement of some of our community's kids who live in apartment housing and are mostly hispanic to other schools. A few years ago, the same process took place for our elementary schools and all hell broke loose as parents in all the area schools fought to prevent this from happening. One of the main reasons for the issue is that we have one elementary school in our area that is 90% hispanic. Any guesses as to why that is? When boundaries were formed- parents once again fought to make sure that those kids did not get sent to their children's schools, so a funky school map was drawn and a majority of these kids were grouped together. Guess what -those kids need to go to middle school and high school also.

One of the current fights/plans is to take some of the single family/majority white neighborhoods out of our high school district and move them over to another school- also and white and wealthier...hmmm. I live in one of those neighborhoods. What I am observing from the fracas, emails and conversations is very interesting. One email stated that we do not want the kids from "transitory housing" to be redistricted to our school or to "lose kids from the nice, single family homes to be sent somewhere else." What does that really mean? In this case it means kids in apartments, poorer families, kids with single moms and those who are hispanic. Another email said the real problem is the blight of "apartment housing" on one of the main roads in our community. Guess what, not everyone can afford a house, particularly in these tough economic times. Heck, a lot of us, including me, are one paycheck from living in an apartment. For many, living in an apartment makes financial sense- they don't want to mortgaged up to their eyeballs, might be single parents starting over, have dealt with job changes, just moved here or don't want to deal with home ownership at this point in their lives. Surely the kids in apartments are no less valuable? Should we move all of the apartment kids together and create a school for them??? Oh wait a minute..Jim Crow laws were abolished a few years ago. And here is a crazy thought - what if those kids whom we do not value for our schools are brilliant, have great potential, include the next violin first chair, football star, valedictorian?

I am located between two elementary schools - one is 95% white, one (the school my kids attend(ed), thank God) is very diverse. Why? During redistricting one year, the parents fought to keep it that way. During the last battle, one parent at the other school even said, "your school already has a lot of hispanic kids and you have the ESOL programs, you should take them." What are they afraid of?? And it is not a matter of geography because both schools are of the same distance to where the majority of the hispanic community live. The maps for our school districts are quite interesting and seem to be drawn without much logic and to keep some kids in and some kids out.

What the heck is wrong with a school that has a mix of kids - all socio-economic backgrounds, races, cultures, religions and academic ability? Why don't all the schools share in teaching the kids who may be in a minority or have fewer resources? I appreciate that it puts a burden on the school - more ESOL teachers, special classes- so why not share that effort?

Why this need to create lily white, wealthy bubbles to isolate our kids from anyone who is different? The implication of course is that these kids are somehow not as good as other kids, as valuable as students, deserve a lesser education and fewer resources. It is racism in disguise, the white flight of 2011. Maybe it is "class-ism" as much as racism, amount of money in your pocket or home value matter most. We would not even be facing the current problem of balancing our schools and the needs of some kids if we had created an equitable and reasonable map for our schools to begin with - but fear and racism prevented that from happening years ago.

But, Laurie, I will hear, you are being idealistic, those kids drive down our test scores and our home values and there is less parental involvement. Psst - your home value is already in the tank and this wouldn't make an impact if the resources and needs were addressed in multiple schools - but some parents will not let that happen. The biggest losers in this entire battle are the kids. All of them - including the ones in those lily white, resourced, wealthy schools. Why? Because life and the world are not white and wealthy. What happens when those kids go to college and/or get in the working world? The bubble will burst- big time. We live in a global economy and a diverse country.

One of the most important purposes of school is to prepare kids for life. It is more important than test scores. Learning to get along with, share a table with and working with kids who are unlike you - richer or poorer, of different religions, races, cultures and ability. The ability to do that will help you succeed in life. One of the purposes of all of those group projects is so that our kids learn how to work as a team and that everyone will have different things to contribute (just like real life work projects.) Sheltering our kids from reality prevents that from happening. School as a microcosm of our world is a very good thing. So why wouldn't the parents be fighting for diversity in the student body not against it? It is actually good for their kids and their school experience.

I, for one, hope that we are not redistricted out of our diverse schools. I love the fact that my Asian daughters have friends and classmates who are white, Asian, hispanic, black, Christian, Jewish and Muslim.

This will be an interesting process...wonder what our kids will learn from watching.

If Money Were Not a Factor

2011-01-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

So what would you do with your life is money were no object, if it or rather the lack of it was not a barrier or factor in your decision? Just imagine the possibilities for a few minutes. This is not necessarily the "what would you do if you won the lottery question"- but instead an exercise to help figure out your true life dreams. If money wasn't in the way...would you change careers, go back to school, travel more, pursue a dream...

I found this to be a fascinating process. It would be lovely if the money issues disappeared in the process, but of course they don't. Are you intrigued by the idea of being a kindergarten teacher but the salary doesn't work for you? Maybe there is a career working with or for children that fits you. Perhaps volunteering to teach a class at a community center or church would bring you more happiness.

This exercise helps you figure out what brings you joy and creates passion. And once you identify those passions, I do believe that while money concerns don't evaporate, once you get on track with your true life path, things seeme to line up behind you to help make it happen. There are many stories of people who have changed their lives completely, reinvented themselves and found their path and therefore joy even when the odds looked stacked against them.

So if money was not seen as a barrier for me...

* I would pursue a Master's Degree in Counseling, Education related field, Women's Studies.. or maybe them all.

* I would build a career/life coaching business- allowing me to counsel, train, faciliate, write and teach for a living.

* I would write, write, write and self publish my books and novel if need be.

* I would adopt again from an orphanage or be a foster parent.

* I would travel and show my girls the world.

Of course, step two in this exercise if the tough one. Being honest enough with yourself to clarify if lack of financial resources is really the reason why you are not on your true life path. Which of your dreams could you actually be making happen right now. I have a lot to think about.

What would you do if money were not an object?

Ten Friends Every Woman Should Have

2011-01-27T18:12:00.000-08:00

Friends! I think that having a circle of friends in your life is important, not just important but a key driver to happiness. I had a fairly tough week and once again two of my friends in particular pulled me out of the quagmire - one with gentle reassurance and an I love you and one with a tougher talk - knock it off, make a change and get it in gear. Both were messages I needed to hear at the time.

Even when in a relationship or marriage, friends are as important as air to breathe for women. It may be the same for men but not being one, I will leave that post to a male writer. Friends fill a variety of roles- playmate, confidant, advisor, companion and sister. They will laugh with you, cry with you, celebrate your joys, hold your hand, drag you through hell and back, stand by your side no matter what and they understand. They understand what it feels like to stand in your shoes and try to balance all the roles: daughter, mother, sister, spouse, lover, provider....etc.

In the spirit of fun and celebration of friendship and kindred spirits, here are the ten friends every woman should have in her life:

1. An old friend.. OK, I don't neccessarily mean old as in age, but someone who has known you for a long time. There is something strangely comforting about having a girlfriend in your life who knew you 20 years and 20 lbs ago, when you had boundless energy, could rebound in a blink of an eye from a night out and had no need for Spanx. She knows your youthful dreams, first love(s) and nickname in college. That shared history can keep you and and your friendship grounded. We can lose these friendships as we grow, move away from one another and develop new interests. But with a true "old" friend, when you do chat or re-connect it feels like it was just yesterday that you were last together.

2. Fellow mom ... I tell all of the younger women in my life who are about to have babies- there is an unexpected bonus coming your way- you will be making wonderful new friends in the parents of your children's classmates and playmates. The common bond of motherhood, especially with kids of similiar ages creates a quick sense of intimacy with these women. I have found some of my closest friends through my kids. Birthday parties, carpool, school activities - take full advantage of meeting these women. The sisterhood of motherhood is very real.

3. I am game girl. You know the one- always up for a party, shopping trip, impromptu night out or weekend. She will be there at the drop of a hat. In her heyday, she might have been the life of the party on a regular basis and she can always be counted on to bring fun, joy and humor to any situation. Planning a party or a shower, need a boost of confidence, a laugh or someone with whom you can share a bottle of wine or pitcher of martinis- she is the girl to call. No party or gathering is complete wihout her spirit and sense of fun.

4. I have your back girl. She can always be counted on to be on your side, no matter what. There are times when you just need that. You don't need someone to analyze the situation, make suggestions, to do lists- blah, blah, blah. You just need someone who will tell you that you are FABULOUS (because really you ARE fabulous no matter what you think), that you do not look fat, agree that your boss is an ass, your husband/boyfriend is acting like a jerk and that EVERYTHING will be OK in the end. She will dry your tears, make you laugh and pour you a glass of wine or a cup of tea while making a voodoo doll of your ex.

5. The straight shooter. She is a true friend who really has your best interests at heart. She will be completely honest - your new hair color doesn't really flatter you, you can complete that half marathon if you try and forget the skinny jeans. This friendship is built on trust and love. You may cry your eyes out with the "I have your back girl", but the next morning you are on the phone with the straight shooter getting advice on headhunters, career plans, divorce attorneys or the best way to handle a problem. She is smart (very often smarter than you- always have at least one friend smarter than you are), organized and loves you, always. She will be compassionate and help you at the same time- she is the one you want dragging you through a tough time.

6. The workout buddy/special interest friend.. the alarm rings at 5 a.m. to exercise...bleh, BUT your workout buddy will be waiting for you. She may hate or may love to workout but she forces herself to do it and is a great influence on you. If exercise isn't your thing, what is- having a buddy who shares your passion for cooking, french class, scrapbooking, photography, dancing makes it twice the fun.

7. The mentor- I have been fortunate in my life to have had some amazing professional, spiritual and personal mentors. Women who have advised, guided and supported me during career and life changes. These women have been older than me, more seasoned in the work place and pushed through barriers ahead of me. They have often been through similiar life challenges and give great advice. I am now trying to pay it forward and mentor some of the younger women in my life. Find a mentor in your field and be a mentor- what a great way to enrich your life.

8. The stylish/shopper friend- She or he always knows where to find the best bargains and has that innate sense of style - think of Clinton and Stacey on What Not to Wear. Need a shopping trip? This friend is ready. Buying a special outfit or gift- she would love to go with you and gives great advice.

9. The platonic male friend - find him at work, the gym, school, anywhere. Many women fill this role with a gay male friend but it can work with a straight guy as long as there is no unspoken attraction or agenda. Men have a great way of clearing through the clutter and giving focused advice. It is lovely to have that look into the male psyche.

10. The spiritual one. Think wisdom, great conversation, sharing ideas. You probably share a similiar spiritual philosophy but perhaps not. Reading a great new spiritual book, attending a seminar, class on meditation, bible study- you have that in common. Lets face it, sharing your opinion on "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle is just more meaningful when the other person "gets it."

Celebrate friendship!

snow and intuition...

2011-01-18T16:25:00.000-08:00

How often do you listen to that little voice in your head? Not a big voice telling you to do illegal things - but the quieter one, the sense of knowing what to do or what decision to make. Is it your conscience, your heart, divine guidance, a whisper from an angel or your own unique brand of well worn wisdom? Whatever you call it, in my experience- that voice is usually right on target.

Occasionally, when life gets busy and crowded, it becomes hard to hear and sometimes even harder to listen to that voice. Sometimes it is loud and clear - like a warning bell and at other times it is much softer. I find that I am more likely to ignore this wisdom when I don't quite like what it has to say, perhaps I need to make a significant change in my life that seems impossible, a relationship is no longer working, or I should do something that I have been avoiding.

Intuition is like the snowstorms so many of us have experienced lately. It starts off as beautiful soft flakes- light, fun to play with and lovely. It can then become deeper, distracting and insistent that you pay attention. Sometimes when ignored, the guidance gets stronger and uncomfortable - like the pellets of an ice storm.

I am trying to do a better job of not only listening to my guidance but actually acting on the wisdom that I receive...no matter how uncomfortable it may be. I will take a beautiful snowfall over an ice storm any day.

The web of life

2011-01-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

What a week- my sweet Avery's birthday and gotcha day! Eight years ago this week, she was born near Gaoming, China and placed in a cardboard box, with a blanket and a note with her date of birth. She was left on a busy street corner for authorities to find. After being discovered, she was taken to the local police station and then onto a local orphanage. I cannot imagine the pain, sorrow and love that her birthmother experienced in these moments. She made sure that the baby was covered with a blanket and knew the date of her birth. She took the baby girl to a crowded location where she would be found. One piece of the web of life...

Seven years ago this week, that same baby girl was placed in my arms and officially became my daughter. I say officially, because she has always felt like my daughter (both of my girls and I share deep, soul-based bonds) and has been connected to me forever. Another thread....

Avery meets her family including two sisters - one was my stepdaughter, Dani, and one was Lily who was adopted from China four years earlier. Two girls from neighboring provinces in China became sisters thousands of miles away in the United States. Three knots in the thread....

It amazes me how many people have entered my life, come together, connected and wrapped themselves around my heart. And quite often, they have arrived exactly when needed and often showed up unexpectedly. I remember meeting my friend Jan after adopting Lily. I was searching for another parent and writer who might share common beliefs about adoption and the spiritual connections that it makes real. She had a website, books and resources about the topic and I went on to write and publish. We kept in touch over the years and when I went through the end of my marriage, for some reason I felt compelled to reach and confide in her. It turns out that she had gone through the same experience and ended up being a great source of support. Another thread...

The end of a marriage, surviving betrayal - tough things to go through, but guess what- I met some wonderful people as a result of that painful experience. I joined and later helped co-faciliate an online support group for betrayed spouses. Through that group, I met two amazing women whom I now consider dear friends. I finally met Jen- one of these ladies, when I traveled for work recently. She has now connected with my friend Jan with whom she shares professional interests. More threads knotted....

Family, friends, lovers, colleagues, teachers, mentors, neighbors have all come into my life and sometimes left it - all with a specific purpose and on the right timetable. They have laughed and cried with me, challenged me and supported me as I have loved, disagreed and been in their corner as well. Sometime the relationships have lasted and in other cases, they served their purpose at that point in my life and ended. But all had a reason to exist. More threads, some long and some short....

The web of life- so many threads, knots and twists and turns. If you want a prettier picture, think of a lace doily- patterns and beauty that while being created seems mismatched or that it could easily unravel. When complete, though, it is gorgeous and made of intricate woven threads.

New Year!

2010-12-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

It is almost the New Year! There is something about celebrating the new year that I love and I don't just mean the midnight champagne toasts! The idea of newness, fresh starts, change and beginnings. Out with the old and in with the new- it really is sort of a "do-over" opportunity for adults. Birthdays have the same sort of magical power, marking a new year of life. I am lucky in that we will celebrate the new year twice in my house - the traditional date this week-end and Chinese New Year during the first week of February.

It is the time for those resolutions that so many of us make and break within the month of January - eat healthier, exercise more, get in better shape, get organized, write more, get published, get more sleep, deepen my spiritual growth... I have made them all over the years. Lily said to me once after I rattled off some resolutions when I turned 47- "Isn't that what you were going to do last year." I did not stangle her...just chucked at her wisdom (OK - I admit part of me wanted to...)

This year is going to be different and I am NOT going to make a long list of resolutions. I will simply have one - finding and creating more joy in my life, in all areas of my life. 2010 has been a stressful time for me on a lot of fronts and and I am honestly just out of energy/juice/interest in operating at the same level of angst and pressure (self induced and externally created) in the new year. Being drained is just not healthy and when that means the joy has seeped out of your life- you are in trouble. I want to replace level of high anxiety with joy....with more laughter, with more lightness of spirit. This joy diet will result in some changes (big and small in my life) and will also mean having a new, lighter attitude and approach and a reminder of the humor and absurdity of what I consider challenges. Joy begets joy, optimism begets positive circumstances and gratitude begets growth.

I believe that the influx of joy will impact all the other parts of my life that I wish to improve....if not, at least I will have a good laugh along the way.

Holidays, escape and hope

2010-12-27T17:18:00.000-08:00

I sit tonight in a warm, cozy home cuddled with my amazing daughters, munching on popcorn and watching Elf on television. In the corner is our beautiful Christmas tree, lit and glowing with colored lights. Under the tree are gifts given in love and joy. We are happy, healthy, content and blessed. Upstairs my mom packs for her trip home - she has spent ten days with us. My niece and her fiance left yesterday- it was a joy to have them with us for the holidays this year. My sister and her boyfriend were with us as well and are now safe in Philadelphia, having made it through the blizzard.

I am alternately tired and content- a week of cooking, baking, entertaining, shopping, wrapping, eating big meals, listening to well meaning but sometimes frustrating "advice" and most of all, making my home a welcoming place for visiting family and friends have taken a toll. I love entertaining and caring for those whom I love so while not a burden, the experience was a bit exhausting. And since I have a 7 year old daughter who has not yet lost the glorious belief in Santa - it was also quite magical.

I must say that in spite of the fatigue of the last week or so, I am enjoying this escape from reality. Of course, part of me wonders why my reality is something to escape from... Of course I watched the weather reports of winter storms across the country. I am amazed as always at the resilience of the human spirit and the ability to find joy, fun and adventure even in dire circumstances.

That idea struck a chord with me- no matter what the circumstance, culture or situation, we humans find a way to comfort one another, create traditions and celebrate. There is a wonderful movie called "City of Joy" with Patrick Swayze that came out about ten years ago. It is based in the poorest of the poor slums of Calcutta and follows the lives of locals and the foreign doctors and missionaries who inhabit the city. The ending follows one family and their struggle and ultimately their joy and bliss as they celebrate a daughter's wedding. The whole community comes together to continue their beautiful traditions and bring two young people together. Surrounded by abject poverty, disease and dirt, the "city of joy" is lit with thousands of lights, food, drink, music, dancing and passion. Maybe it is these moments, these special times that help us re-charge our lives and passions and become hopeful for the future.

We human beings seems to have a need- or is it a wonderful abililty, a connection with the divine- to come together and rejoice. Rejoice in our ties to one another, rejoice in our connection to God, rejoice in love, rejoice in the moment. The holidays are a great opportunity to do that one thing that we all seem to talk about - living in the moment. They offer us an opportunity to truly escape from our everyday stresses and find joy.

Oh to take some of that joy, passion and connection back into the real world next week...I will surely try to do so...

Gratitude List

2010-11-22T10:19:00.001-08:00

It is the time of year when we look around and count our blessings. We are thankful for our gifts, abundance and friends. Funny how even the tough stuff we have gone through can seem like a blessing in hindsight- because we learn and grow through those experiences often more than we do through the good ones. I am grateful for so many things, here is a partial list..

1. My children- no surprise here. These amazing, delightful, strong girls who delight and challenge me and have caused me to stretch the imaginary boundaries of love. I have become a better person simply because I have been given the honor of being their mother.

2. My family and friends.. My wonderful sister with whom I have shared good times and bad and my brothers and parents... They helped give me a strong foundation for life. Even when relationships have been strained, there is always room for growth. It is interesting to grow up and become a parent yourself - you have a new realization that your parents did the best that they could with what they knew and with what they had. I am surrounded by some of the best people one could hope to have in their life. Friends who love, play, rejoice, support and cry with me. Friends who have helped me celebrate and who have lifted me out of despair.

3. My health. Since I work for a health organization, I am all too familiar with how challenging life can be when you become ill; when all you pray for is the chance to beat a disease and live. For instance, if you have ever had a health scare, you have had just a taste of the feeling that a cancer patient has- the fear, denial and fervent praying and hope that it is not to be true. When you are told that all is clear, relief washes over you and for a moment or two life stays in perspective. So when I wake up and can breathe, walk, see, hear, think, talk taste, smell... I need to remind myself that no matter what happens that day - don't whine, be thankful.

4. My home. I am blessed to have a beautiful home and live in a neighborhood filled with caring people. My house needs work certainly, but it is ours (and the mortgage lenders)- the girls and I have created a home, a place of refuge from the outside world that is warm, loving and happy even with leaky sinks and unfinished carpentry work. I simply love my kitchen. When you put it all in perspective, there is always going to be something to repair or improve but as my youngest put it.. "We are lucky to have a house, we could be like the people in Haiti who don't have a place to live." Enough said.

5. Books, books, books - and all the glorious combinations of the written word. I can escape for hours into a book. I always marvel at the talent of the writers whom I admire. Not only do they have the talent and vision - but also the guts, energy and drive to actually put it on paper and make it happen.

6. Opportunity. The ability to move forward, explore new options and grow my career and work life in different directions. It wasn't so many years ago that, as a woman, my choices in how I might choose to make a living and express myself were quite limited. I am thankful for the women who bravely went before me and opened doors, cracked glass ceilings and explained over and over again that having a vagina did not mean that you were any less intelligent, capable, creative or strong.

7. My faith and spirituality. I believe in God, a divine path, the spiritual connection of all souls and that coincidences are not accidents but little miracles. Faith is to me - a quiet knowing that I am protected and no matter what...things will be OK.

8. Differences. The wonderful differences in this sea of humanity around us- racial, ethnic, cultural, religious, age, sexual orientation, opinion, viewpoint and so on. Wouldn't life be impossibly boring without the variety and spice that these differences provide in life? I find people fascinating; especially those who are not like me. Isn't it interesting that all of these distinctive lives share the planet and are on their own unique journeys along side of our own?

9. The strength of my femininity. Yes, women are strong, powerful and feminine. It is a different kind of strength than that of a man but no less intense or glorious. It allows me to lead a meeting, guide staff and then go home and kiss the fevered brow of my child and nurture my family without missing a beat.

10. Men - Not necessarily from Mars but those wonderful beings who look at the world through such different eyes. Once again - thank heavens that they do. I love to get a man's perspective on the issues in my life and find that there is often a directness of focus with a man's opinion that helps me gain new clarity. Not to mention that it is quite lovely, as a woman, to be fully appreciated by a man. I don't always understand men and can get exasperated at times, but enjoy the process of trying to figure them out

11. Laughter - the bubbling up of joy as it spills out of you. I treasure a good laugh and would like to add a few more to my life these days.

12. Love. Love in all of its varieties - familial, romantic, platonic, any version is powerful. It is the ultimate softener of life.

Hearts don't break..they break open

2010-11-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

Another celebrity breakup due to infidelity... Seems like it is almost not news anymore since it happens so often. When you add those reported in the media circus to the number of everyday folks like us who experience it in a relationship - it seems as though infidelity impacts society more than one can imagine.

As someone who experienced the pain and I use the following term with full knowledge of its power - hell- of living through it, I always feel for the people involved when I hear of another story of betrayal. When I discovered my ex-husband's affair, I experienced pain and sadness on a level that I never had felt before in my life. I am talking about curl up on the floor in a fetal position and sob level of pain. I never thought I would smile again, laugh again, feel joy again and never heal. But I did- in fact I more than healed, I blossomed.

With the help and support of amazing friends and family, years of healing, a few sessions with a great counselor and a wonderful online support group I came to terms with it all:

* the reality of my new normal
* the loss of the dream I had for my family and creating a new one
* that the pain that would fade over time
* the understanding that it was not my fault - he had his own issues
* the knowledge that my kids would be OK- being from a broken home is much better than living in one
* forgiveness ultimately equals freedom
* love is more powerful than anything else on earth
* renewed awareness of my own power and strength
* that I can make it through anything
* experiencing pain makes you a more compassionate person
* that I deserve a faithful man

Marriages and relationships break down for lots of reasons and both parties can play a role in that disintegration of the partnership. However, the decision to step outside of the marriage with an emotional or physical affair lies squarely on the shoulders of the person who decides to cheat. There are other options to deal with marital unhappiness that do not disrespect the spouse and cause as much pain as that of betrayal. A few examples- verbalize unhappiness, try to make it work, marriage counseling or leave the relationship- certainly before beginning a new one.

As one of my friends puts it "cheating is a cowardly act- grow some balls or guts (women cheat too) and have enough respect for yourself, the memory of the relationship you once had, the vows you took and the person you had it with to leave it before you jump in bed with someone else." Seems pretty straightforward to me. It is also unfair to make the decision to have an affair to deal with unhappiness when your spouse is in the dark about your actions- they have a right to know that changes in the marriage have occurred and that vows and promises are being broken.

For me, the betrayal was far more painful than the divorce itself. I certainly learned that many who are having an affair are in a state of denial and fantasy that is often termed the "affair fog." Unfortunately, spouses are not in the same fog and pain caused is unreal in its intensity. Some couples make a marriage and relationship work after betrayal- if the cheating spouse takes responsibility for their actions and the couple commits to dealing with through their issues, often with a qualified counselor. Sometimes the result is divorce. In either scenario, I believe that the healing for the betrayed spouse begins when they take back control of their life and they make the decision to move forward in the direction that is right for them.

The good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it through this and can come out stronger, more compassionate, with better clarity on your expectations and with a new perspective on what makes a relationship work. My divorce happened over five years ago and I am happier and more whole than I ever have been in my life. Through the experience, I learned more about love, forgiveness and re-birth than you can imagine. Yes, my heart was broken all those years ago, but it was also broken open and I am more free to love.

Sisters....

2010-11-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today I read the final version of something that brought tears to my eyes and left me feeling happiness, pride and peace. Lily had the assignment of doing a creative writing exercise about one of the most important people in her life. It could be a story or a poem, including song lyrics, and needed to describe why the selected person was so influential in her life. No, my child did not select her mother,,, she wanted "someone cooler, sorry mom."

Lily wrote about her big sister, D, -my remarkable step-daughter who is now a senior in college. Even though her father and I divorced over 5 years ago, I still love her as my own and consider D my step-daughter. She and Lily and Avery are incredibly close.

The story was beautifully written and conveyed emotions that my usually un-sentimental eleven year old daughter does not normally express in words. I would include the essay, but it is not mine to share, it belongs to Lily and her sister. They are her words, her feelings and not mine to give to others. I reminded Lily that the feelings that she expressed so originally and completely are deeply felt and shared by someone else in her life. They are quite similar to the feelings that her little sister, Avery, has for Lily.

I was reminded again today of the real meaning of family. It is so much more than the connection between parent and child. The connection of my girls with one another and between them and their big sister is deep, soulful and is not about me. We share love, of course, but it it absolutely fills my heart to the brim to see them together and to read about their love for one another.

The sense of peace that this brings to me as parent can not be fully described. They will have one another and can be there for one another long after I am gone. It is amazing to know that they will be in each other's lives when mine is complete. That may sound morbid, but it is a very real truth that gives me joy. They will treasure, value and lift one another up through good times and bad... just have my sister and I have in our lives.

Hooray for family- brothers and sisters, step-families, cousins, friends who are family.... The love will get us through anything.

Receiving vs. Taking and the Law of Allowing

2010-11-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine recently helped me out in a big way, he offered..I did not ask but had to decide whether or not to take the help. As I dealt with the question to I accept or not, another friend pointed out that even my language about the issue was telling. I was not "taking" something I was "receiving" it. Taking had undertones of selfishness, of perhaps obtaining something that was not mine to have, that I had not earned. Receiving or accepting had a completely different feel - it was gratefully accepting help from someone who, with good intent, simply wanted to help me and make things a bit easier in my world.

I have a hard time accepting help. I am very independent and have been for years. But independence aside, why do I push back or resist when someone tries to help me? My first inclination is to turn it down assistance under the assumption that I can do it on my own, don't want to burden or "owe" someone. I have actually grown alot in this area in the last five years. Life post-divorce as a single mom has pushed me to be more open to accept help.

As I delve deeper into the reason for my initial hestitation, several things come to mind. Is it ego - the idea that I don't need help? Is it a fear of being vulnerable- especially when the help is coming from a man in my life? I try to be a generous person and help out others whenever possible. So why is it so uncomfortable for me to be on the recieving end? The full answer is not clear to me yet but life is certainly pushing me in the direction of figuring it out. Funny how the universe seems to give us what we need to learn our lessons.

There is a theory out there called the "Law of Allowing." One of the premises is that the reason so many of us do not have the circumstances, jobs or people we think we want in our lives is because we simply do not allow it to flow to us. Allowing the good and even the challenges to enter life without judging, putting up walls and questioning why is tough for alot of us. Have you ever worked for something (a new job or business venture, a finished manuscript ready for critique, a relationship) or visualized it coming into your life and then - gulp - when it arrives you doubt yourself or it just can't believe it is real. The Art of Allowing is accepting the success, relationships and fulfilled dreams without the doubt or hesitation. We can allow it because we deserve it, are worth it and our act of receiving does not mean we are taking something from someone else. Maybe I have my answer after all and the art of allowing is directly related to my hestitation about accepting help from others.

The Art of Allowing - may just be what I need in my life.

National Adoption Month

2010-10-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

November is national adoption month, so I gathered some thoughts about adoption and asked my kids as well.

Ten Things to Know about Adoption- from an adoptive parent’s perspective

1. Adoption is a very personal decision that an individual or couple makes on how to build a family. Don’t automatically assume they have fertility issues or it is a “second-best choice.” It is a permanent, court approved loving decision and one way that parents and children come together. The choice to adopt domestically or internationally is based on many factors and we frequently just “know” our children are waiting for us.

2. Adoptive parents are not “saving” a child and/or looking for “gratitude” from our kids, particularly if the child has been adopted from a developing country. As any adoptive parent will tell you, we are the lucky ones to have these amazing kids in our lives. We will work hard to make sure that they have a full understanding and appreciation for their birth country and heritage.

3. If you are really interested in adoption, the costs and the process- most of us would be happy to discuss our experience or refer you to our adoption agency. We do not, however, want to have these conversations in front of our children. And we will probably not discuss our child’s or their birthparent’s personal history with you.

4. Yes, there are costs involved in adoption, but we do not buy our children. The costs are for attorney fees, travel, paperwork, medical care and orphanage support. Similar in fact to the costs associated with pregnancy and delivery- without the healthcare insurance.

5. We are our children’s “real parents” and they have “real brothers and sisters” in their families. Our children have birthparents who gave them life. We have the joy of raising them and are their parents.

6. It is important not to belittle birthparents. We often have no idea as to why the painful decision was made to place a child for adoption. Even when a child is officially abandoned without record, as often happens in China, there are numerous factors- poverty, government policy, family and cultural pressure that led to the decision.

7. The vast majority of adoptions are wonderful experiences. The media, however, will report on the rare occasions when it does not work out well and an adoption is interrupted. Yes, these are sad and heartbreaking stories and trust me, we have already heard them. Just as a pregnant woman does not want to hear about labor and delivery horror stories, an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent does not want these to be repeated time and time again. We work with our adoption agency and or counselor to prepare for problems that we could face.

8. My child was not “chosen” for adoption because he or she is special. That terminology puts an unnecessary pressure on a child to stay special or perfect. It is actually, the parent(s) that is selected and must live up to certain criteria to be matched with a child. It is our responsibility to make it work.

9. My child is not permanently damaged because he or she was adopted or spent time in foster care or an orphanage. Yes, problems can occur and there are many programs and therapies available to offer solutions to parents and children. However, I don’t assume every behavioral issue or act of misbehavior is because my child is adopted. We are vigilant in getting our kids the help they need – just as parents of biological kids deal with their kids issues. Studies show that the vast majority of adopted kids adjust well and become successful in life.

10. As fellow parents, please speak up when you see an adoption myth being perpetuated in the media or in conversation. Help us spread the word about adoption and help your kids understand that our families are very normal- we just built them in a different way.

Thoughts from my children about adoption

7 year old’s perspective

• Coolest thing about being adopted- “meeting my mom and dad”
• Why did your mommy adopt you – “we matched’
• What do you think about your birthparents in China- “they still love me but could not take care of me.”
• What do your friends ask you about being adopted from China – “why don’t you speak Chinese?”

11 year old’s perspective

• Coolest thing about being adopted –“it is cool to have an interesting background”
• “Don’t like it when people look at us strange or stare because you are white and we are Asian, I think most people who stare do not know what adoption really is all about.”
• Do you ever think about your birthparents and a loss with them not in your life-
“No, because with a loss comes a gain, I am curious, but do not get sad about it.”
• “What matters most is the scenario or family you get adopted into “
• What is more challenging to deal with- being adopted or a being Asian – “being Chinese – it is more noticeable”

Reinvention- one year later

2010-10-30T09:22:00.001-07:00

It has been almost one year since I began this blog- my first post was November 8, 2009. It is hard to imagine that an entire year hsas flown by (and I have yet to change my age in the intro summary of this blog- maybe I won't..LOL) I am trying to figure out what I have changed in my life, what needed to stay the same and what is left on this journey that I had titled "reinvention."

On the surface, it looks like not too much had changed. I did complete a 1/2 marathon March of 2010 and will do the race again in 2011. May even consider tackling a full marathon next year. Still am not in the shape that I would like to be in- so that journey continues.

My career is still in about the same place - am still pursuing my next steps. I am convinced that growth and changes are forthcoming and with it, will be abundance (would really love not to stress about finances so much)- so that journey contiues.

My relationsip with my daughters is deeper and better than ever. It is amazing to watch your kids grow and change. From Avery's new self confidence and realization of her own strength to Lily's entry to the pre-teen years (gulp) and middle school- they are changing before my eyes. Talk about reinvention - or perhaps in their case, it is might be evolution.

Dating - I dated alot in the last year and met some interesting, wonderful men. I am very glad that I ended my self imposed dating hiatus and got back out there in the crazy, sometimes frustrating world of dating post divorce in your 40s. I learned alot about what I do and do not want in my next relationship. I also was reminded that there are also some lovely aspectsw to being single. This part of the journey continues.

One of my goals of blogging was to put the discipline of writing back into my life. I still feel much work remains undone when it comes to writing. Overcoming whatever block is there remains a part of this journey. I have very much enjoyed writing this blog and will continue. I remain amazed when I see how many views this blog gets from other countries- now South Korea, Brazil, Poland, France and Slovenia are on the list.

What did I reinvent this past year? Seems like most of it was internal- I did a ton of inner work, soul searching, thinking and often got these thoughts onto paper. Perhaps this is all part of the process. Did my life change in dramatic ways over the past year? No. Did it change for the better in smaller ways - yes and I am now in a place emotionally, mentally and spiritually for the bigger changes. I look forward to creating a new vision board for the upcoming year and allowing even more blessings to enter my world.

I remain a work in progress!

Dreams, sleep, messages from my Dad ??

2010-10-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those dreams that seems so real, so intense that it stays with you all day, even if you try shake it? My favorite are when you wake up irritated at someone because of a dream. I had one of those last night and I wish I could remember all of the details.

My late father was in my dream last night. Not a dream about my father, but he seemed to actually be in my dream visiting me- fully recognizing that he was dead and reaching out to me. He was specifically here to give me career advice, that I unfortunately do not clearly recall. To make it stranger, he told me too look up something- to research it (of course I don't remember what it is) to prove he was real. Then my siblings were with me. My sister and I could see and hear my dad and my brothers could only feel him if they reached out. We had to sort of prove to them that he was really there. Then in the crazy way that dreams begin to shift scenes..he was gone but sending me advice by text message! Modern technology invaded this space. How strange it all seemed to be.

I have had intuitive dreams before. I remember before I learned of my ex-husband's affair (during the affair actually) that would end our marriage, I had these vivid dreams where I could not find him and a feeling of panic and sadness would wash over me. I would call and call him on the phone and he seemed to have disappeared. I would wake up and he would tell me I was imagining thimgs and to go back to sleep. The day I found out about the affair - the exact same feeling washed over me -it was downright eerie.

Of course, these two dreams are very different but I am left wondering what this latest one means. Is this my subconscious trying to tell me something? Could my father really be reaching out to me? And most importantly what was his great advice? I remember asking him in the dream, "isn't it hard for you to be here, when you are supposed to be on the other side?, can you go back and forth?" I did not get an answer but woke up with the aha moment of perception that perhaps he wasn't fully there yet because my mom is still here- they were married for 53 years and he didn't quite want to leave, even though he passed away five years ago.

I guess I need to keep a pad and paper next to my bed to capture whatever dream state wisdom comes my way. Sleep is critical for health of all types - mental, physical, emotional - it restores, heals....perhaps it connects as well. Perhaps when the mind gets that quiet then anwers come for tough questions. I wonder where those answers originate?

Race...it matters when it is you...

2010-10-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have the amazing honor of raising two children who happen to be of a different race - Asian, chinese to be precise. People have asked me "are they mixed with something" when they see us together. I suppose that is a roundabout way of figuring out if I have an Asian husband or if they are indeed adopted. I am tempted to say, "yes, most days they are mixed with sugar but some days they are mixed with attitude like their mother!" Curiosity about our situation aside, raising Chinese daughters has been a fascinating experience when it comes to race, ethnicity and how much it impacts your life experience.

I was born and raised in your typical white, Catholic, middle class existence. Not too much diversity in my life. In fact, I think I was in about 3rd grade before I realized that everyone was not Catholic. In my small, sheltered world, everyone went to the same church and parish school. I made friends with people different than myself in high school and college and of course when I got in the work force, my world opened up even more. I have always been comfortable around folks of different backgrounds so I didn't really concern myself too much with the the trans-racial aspect of adopting my kids. Before adopting and shortly after, I read alot and attended various seminars about parenting kids of another culture or race to get ready to face any issues that would occur. Sometimes, I think we like to tell ourselves that it doesn't really matter, people should not or do not see color and that people make a bigger deal out of race than they need to and are too sensitive. That is an easier reaction when you happen not to be the one in the minority.

I remember when I first felt the flaw in that theory. Lily was about 18 months old and I had some photos taken at Sears. We had spent a lot of time outside that summer including a trip to the beach and in spite of my generous use of sunscreen, Lily's skin had deepened to a gorgeous tan. I stood at counter at Sears as the photos of kids came up on the screen. Up popped this photo of a beautiful, brown skinned Asian child and for a split second I had that exact thought before I recognized my own child. I had never thought of her as anything other than my Lily. In that moment all those many years ago, I had one of the biggest revelations of my life- that other people are going to see and first identify my child by her race. Before they even get to know her, some people will already have begun the process of forming an opinion about her and what she might be like.

That does not happen to me and I am not identified or described by my race. People do not say - "Oh yeah, I know Laurie, she is white, mom of two..." However, when you are of a different race or ethnicity, it sets you apart and is s defining factor in how others see, describe you and potentially react to you. And you are reminded of that fact every time you look in the mirror. It is something that I will never be able to fully understand since I have never experienced it. Of course, I do not believe that all people are out there making judgements every day about my girls or other people of color. But the fact is that it does and will happen at some point in their lives. The closest way I can try to relate is remembering times when I dealt with others who made assumptions about me because I am a woman. I remember many years ago when we stopped at a fast food restaurant in a rural area on the way to the beach, the young lady at the counter, asked this of my step-daughter about her sisters.. "what are they?" Dani responded, "they are children" and walked away.

I am fortunate that my girls attend very diverse elementary and middle schools so they have tons of exposure to children and adult of many backgrounds. Avery is still young enough to be living in childhood innocence about race. She and her classmates are not color-blind- they know they have differences, but they think those things that set them apart are cool. "Isn't it neat that Neha is Indian - she celebrates Diwali." "Speaking Spanish with my friends is fun."

Lily is entering a whole new world of awareness about race and identity. I asked her the other day what she remembers about our trip to China to adopt Avery. Lily was just about 5 years old and we took her with us on the journey. She remembers the long plane ride, falling asleep in her dinner and recalls thinking that "for once everyone else looked like she did." Her mom was the one who didn't look like the rest of the people around her.

I am watching Lily expand her circle of friends to include more and more girls of color. Before middle school started, she was having an online chat with three of those friends- one is Indian and two are African-American. She explained that the topic of conversation was about how the kids from one of the local elementary schools that feed into their new middle school were going to treat them. She explained that they went on a joint field trip with this school last year and there was only one child from that school class who was not white. Would the kids from this school treat them differently because they were not white? Of all the things they could be discussing before the start of middle school - this was on their mind. Obviously, one or more of the girls had experienced or read or heard something to cause concern. Of course, all worked out fine, the kids are all becoming friends and things are pretty smooth.

I will admit that I am in unfamiliar territory as I strive to help my girls navigate the waters of race. I am observing my eldest as she figures out who she is and how being from China fits into that picture. She seems to look everywhere for undertones of judgement about race and racism in TV shows, movies and in how others act. From what I have read, this is probably a very natural reaction and phase at this stage of her development as she learns how to grow and thrive and deal with uncertainty. Over time and through experience, she will learn how to more closely discern what is real and what is not. She will learn that for every person of prejudice, there is another who is not. She will learn to be careful not assume that she knows another's intention. She will learn to be strong and to be proud of being Chinese so that another's opinion will lose power.

I do not have the answers, but I do know that the world is not colorblind and when you are the one who is different, you feel that more deeply. My job is to help my daughters understand that yes they will be identified as Asian and that is a very good thing. The world is filled with an infinite variety of people - thank God. Imagine how boring it would be if it were not.

Changing the world?

2010-10-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

I have had some energizing conversations lately with people dedicated to changing the world - literally, transforming people's lives. Fighting disease, ensuring clean water is safe in developing countries, teaching, protecting and empowering girls and women... Making a difference and strengthening connections with others have always been personal and professional goals of mine- my career has been dedicated so far to the non-profit world. I try to make sure that my personal choices: how and where I volunteer, what I read, write and study, donate and how I raise my family reflect this goal. Is changing the world for the better, too lofty of a personal goal?

The challenge on the professional side of the equation is balancing idealism with realism. For instance, the need to make sure that I can support my family through my work. Finding that balance is often tricky because on the one hand you want to follow your heart and passion..on the other, there are bills to pay, braces needed and college tuition looming in the future.

I have come to realize that the balance is possible, if you focus on the broader perspective. For instance, passions can be followed and pursued as a volunteer. I can write about adoption, spiritual connection and volunteer to talk to prospective parents but don't need to look for a job running an adoption agency. I can expose my children to some reality of the world around them and how they can improve it while still giving them a stable and joy filled childhood.

I read a fascinating article by Martha Beck in this month's O magazine about finding your life's purpose. Discovering what you love to do now and used to love as a child, what gets you in the zone and causes you to lose track of time. These can be important keys. However, translating that to a purpose in life is a bit trickier - you love to bake....that does not necessarily mean you want to or should want to open a bakery. But, what is it about baking that is so appealing - creativity, research/searching for recipes, following and/or testing recipes, feeding others, the sensual aspects - rolling dough, smell of baking cookies. Those may be the keys that you look for to find life's purpose- be it professional or personal.

My trigger is that I do need to feel that my professional life is an extension of my personal mission to make a difference and positively impact the world. I feel as though my life would be wasted if I don't try to make the impact that I believe that I can. I feel this burning need to teach about how interconnected we all are on a deep level. I am going to be mad at myself on my deathbed if I have not written some of the things that I need to and have not yet done. Certainly, I have made some decisions in my life that have been spot on correct and necessary for my life to have purpose - prime example is adopting my daughters.

As I sit here at 47 - midlife and mid-career (yes mid-career: I will be working at something forever), I remind myself of that fact. Yes, non-profit work has its challenges, but for now it does resonate with me and allow me the ability to make a difference. For others, that purpose and ability to change the world may come from a professional life in the for profit sector - starting a business, creating art or music that brings joy, working for a company and being a great manager and coach, creating much needed jobs, making a great salary and generous donations... The key , I think, is finding your own passion and purpose and fulfilling it in a heart centered, generous way.

If we don't try to change the world...who will?

Penny pinching with a mindset of abundance?

2010-10-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

Are we living in a time of creative abundance or scarcity? Keeping a positive mindset about money, doing what you love, visualizing success, utlizing the law of attraction - do these methods still work in an economic environment that others around you call a recession? Or is it more important than ever to "think and grow rich." Some may consider it new age "woo-hoo" but it is fascinating to read how many self created successful people from Henry Ford to Suzi Orman to Tony Robbins believe that your attitude and thoughts about money and abundance form the foundation of success. It becomes challenging to maintain that attitude when every news outlet proclaims recession, jobless rates and people all around you are seem to be losing their jobs or struggling.

I told the universe "no thank you, I do not accept your invitation to the recession." However, some of its unwelcome essence has oozed into my life anyway- a house in which what I owe and costs of repairs/upgrades needed to sell mean I would be under if I sold, leftover divorce debt, reduced income, and expenses that are going up as my girls get older. When I fall off of the "positive wagon", it can sometimes be hard to breathe as I think of college expenses looming in the future and current home repair dollars needed. Like so many others, finances are my biggest source of stress. I am not person who needs a ton of money or wants a bigger house, I just want to be comfortable and secure, able to support my family, make a difference in the world and pursue a few dreams.

However, when I do breathe through it, I try to get back to creating a plan to penny pinch and create abundance even when surrounded by economic negativity.

* Remember to be grateful for what I do have- a job, the capacity and skills to look for a higher paying one, a home, family, health and talents. I remind myself that the job market is opening up, headhunters are calling, and everyone I know from my company who lost their position last year has found a good job. I know a great opportunity will come my way.

* Remember the lesson that you should always have more than one income stream in your life. Your job may me be one but always have another iron in the fire - freelance, side business, something that could bring in additional dollars.

* Don't forget your dreams and passions - even if your current job does not provide you an outlet for them. Dream, visualize, research, write, plan, scheme, volunteer... do something to bring those to life. And look for a way to turn them into that second revenue stream. I will be writing, looking to publish and sell, working with a friend on a business idea and baking - buy your holiday cookies from me!

* Clip coupons, bring your lunch to work, comparison shop, swap books, shop consignment shops. I need to be smarter about the grocery store and we love to eat out which needs to be an occasional treat for us. So how do you reconcile living a life of visualizing abundance with pinching pennies. Spending money and valuing my resources is a way to express gratitude by not being wasteful.

* Read inspirational books and articles about abundance and try to stay away from reading the negative. There is a fine balance between understanding the reality of the world around and staying open to the fact that we are constantly creating and adding to the universe. There is enough to go around, the pie can get bigger after you take your piece.... or bake another one.

How are you building abundance??

Its a small world ...after all

2010-09-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Never fear, I am not going to repeat this phrase over and over again like some sort of annoying soundtrack that gets stuck in your brain. I was just struck again today how small the world really is and how connected our lives truly seem to be. Have you ever discovered that one of your Facebook friends is connected to another one of your friends from a different part of your life, your past, or from another part of the country? And they didn't meet through you. Now of course the world is not supposed to revolve around you, but how the heck does that happen?

Technology has certainly impacted this shrinking universe of ours and we are more aware than ever of the joys, tribulations and challenges of those separated from us, be it by geography or the distance of of socio-economic status. I was blown away to see the stats for this blog and find that it had been viewed (many times mind you) in the United States, Canada, Brazil, China, Latvia, United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, Russia and Denmark. I have never been to most of those countries - so how did we connect. If you are one of those people - leave a comment so I can meet you!

My up close and personal experience with a shrinking world came through the amazing arrival of my daughters into my life. Two babies living in orphanages in China become the light and love of my life and they could not be more my children than if I had given birth to them. I was profoundly and forever changed by this experience. Beyond the joys and lessons of motherhood, I learned that we as human beings are far more alike than different. In spite of differences in race, religion, country of origin, sexual orientation, culture- our human experience and spiritual essence connect us and create more similarities than we sometimes like to recognize. It is a fascinating experience to spend time in another country with a vastly different government system, culture, language and history.... and to have someone greet you with a warm smile, handshake, hug and genuine interest in who you might be. Folks who just want to take care of their families, make a living, foster friendships, be healthy, enjoy life and often help one another.

This transformative experience is why I feel so compelled to get involved with organizations like CARE and am concerned about international issues. It could be me or my daughters sold into sex slavery or not allowed to attend school or born into poverty in this country. Being born in fortunate circumstances doesn't mean we are better than others or get to turn a blind eye to the rest of the world. As my dear friend Cathy likes to say, "there but for one different chromosone go I."

There must be a reason for our shrinking world and perhaps it means we can't claim ignorance anymore. I am not some sort of unusually enlightened person - there are thousands of blended families - children or spouses of different races, religions, political beliefs or backgrounds. If we can combine families in the most intimate of ways, surely we can come together on other issues. In this wonderful country - we have an even more common experience. In amazes me that we can't see our common ground and have become so polarized by politics, race and religion. Disagreeing with a person's political beliefs does not mean it is OK to call them names, demonize them and get personal attacks. If we can cross international boundaries to connect, surely we can do it within our borders. The danger comes from resisting, becoming fearful and retreating into a bubble to avoid the unknown. Ironically that bubble (some call it the good old days) is pretty bland, colorless and dry when you think about it. Our lives are richer, fuller and more colorful when our experiences are more broad.

Think of the magnificent potential of a more connected, caring world. There are brilliant minds on opposite sides of the planet who can now work together and inspire one another. Maybe the skills and genius needed for the cure for cancer or AIDS is in school child in Pakistan or comes from a collaborative project of researchers in the US, China and Australia. Maybe all orphans could find a home. Maybe what appear to be the overwhelming problems of the planet and environment could be improved by combining the energies and efforts of many. Idealistic? Absolutely. Unrealistic...yes by current circumstances. But as the world gets smaller. perhaps just perhaps it could be a future possibility.

Pure transforming love

2010-09-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

I have watched in amazement as my girls settled into 2nd and 6th grade over the last few weeks. They are both doing incredibly well and I can't help but marvel at the transformation over the last few years in my youngest child.

When we brought Avery home from China 6 1/2 years ago she was an underweight, sick, incredibly shy, sad little one year old girl. My daughter cried for almost the entire two weeks we were in China -as anyone in my travel group will attest! As the days went by in China, she decided she would not cry when I held her or when she slept. The poor child had an ear infection, sore throat, intestinal parasites, and had been handed off to perfect strangers. Once we got some antibiotics into her system - she began to heal. I was incredibly blessed that she really just had typical childhood illnesses- very treatable, just easily spread in a crowded orphanage.

It was quite an interesting dynamic because adopting Lily was a completely different experience- when handed to me, she promptly peed on me, laughed at that, cried for about 10 minutes and then was content. Avery tells me now that she cried so much as a payback to me for taking so long to come to China and get her!

In addition to my girls having completely different personalities and temperments, their orphanage experiences varied dramatically. Lily was in a more rural setting- the only photos we saw of the orphanage were from a distance and it looked rather run down. Even though she may have missed material comforts; I could tell that Lily was loved and cared for while she was an infant. She was a chubby little baby and her caretaker nanny cried when she handed her over to me. Avery was in a crowded urban orphanage and I do not believe she had the one on one love and attention that Lily received.

So that became my purpose - love, love, love her, shower her with affection and stimulation and give her the attention, help (speech therapy has been remarkable) and care she needed. Over time and with lots of love, this child has blossomed, grown and transformed into an incredible little girl. She is affectionate, caring and loving. This is my child who covers me with hugs and kisses and tells me she loves me every day. She has grown confident, no longer clings to me and loves school. She has gone from being painfully shy to a child who makes friends easily and cares deeply for people, animals and all living things.. she is truly a remarkable soul. I can only imagine the good she will do in the world. Those who will have her in their lives will be lucky.

I certainly have been lucky to have her in mine. Both of my girls have given me more love than you can imagine. I am so blessed to have been the recipient of their pure, transforming love. They have changed me in more ways than I can list. In loving them, I have been transformed as well. I wish all the folks out there who are considering adoption would put aside their fears and realize what joy they are missing. There are always risks and challenges when deciding to become a parent through adoption or through biology. The love and joy far outweighs all else. If you feel there is a child waiting for you...go for it. The love will transform both of you.

Good-bye to the rut!

2010-09-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

Time to get out of the rut! I think the balance between the comfort of routine and falling into a life-sucking rut is dicey. On the one hand, routine helps us get things accomplished in our lives, to work and school activities on time..etc. On the other hand, it can create a pattern of life, behavior and actions that make life sort of a numb, dull existence - in a word -BORING! Same route to work, same job, same meals, same workout routine, same Saturday night plans, same music, same TV shows. And then wondering why our lives don't change or improve. Reminds me of the defition of insanity- doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.

I have seen interesting studies lately about how important new activities are to keeping the brain well wired. Changing things up, trying something different, developing new skills helps stave off depression, increase happiness and keep our relationships and lives fresh. It literally helps the brain function better.

I watch how my kids embrace life and new adventures - soccer for a while, then a switch to karate; Chinese dance then a switch to ballet; No more dance, now I want to try tennis; Chinese language- no I want to take Spanish; cello..how about guitar and piano. One the one hand, we want our kids to stick with something, but perhaps they are onto something. They are figuring out who they are and finding their passions. Plus they are engaged, inspired, learning and having...dare I say it...fun!
Yes, adults can and should have fun too!

As part of my 90 day life shake up, I am committed to trying and doing something different or new every day and well. This list contains both big and small options:

* take a different route to work
* change my hair -hmm auburn highlights?
* learn Spanish
* try new foods
* grow an herb garden
* learn to bake bread
* walk/run at a new park
* put aside crossword puzzles for sudoku(finally figure out how to do it)
* read a biography instead of a novel
* take an online class or workshop
* join that new gym opening up around the corner
* Re-arrange the furniture
* pay the toll of the person behind me on the highway
* paint

The list could go on and on, but I have things to do!

New school days, change and do-overs

2010-08-24T13:18:00.001-07:00

I had the distinct joy of watching my girls go back to school this week. Avery is starting second grade and Lily is making the big transition to middle school (gulp.) Gulp for me not for her. She is thrilled, ready for the challenge and only a bit nervous. I was the one with tears in my eyes as the bus pulled away. Thank God she did not see the tears..it was bad enough that I waved goodbye to her through the bus window. Parental displays of emotion are not very cool to the 6th grade set.

We have shopped for binders, pens, crayons, pencils...etc and the always sought after needed hand sanitizer and kleenex for the classroom. Everything, even the new sneakers are shiny and new. After the sticker shock; I got a kick out of watching my kids sort, stack, decorate and organize their supplies. Everything is exciting and different - new teachers, routines, subjects, stuff to learn, classmates and as in Lily's case - a new school.

I started thinking that there was a certain peace and even beauty in this process. A clean slate...every year. Of course, transcripts and reputation follow a student, but there is a tremendous opportunity to start fresh.

What if life had "do-overs" like this? A chance every once in a while to really start fresh. Not New Year's Eve new with resolutions that often don't make it past the champagne toast, but real opportunities to try on new skills, new stuff to learn and altered routines. In the case of our kids, this annual process is just how things work. As adults, we get into ruts, limited thinking and self doubt resulting in fear of change. Imagine if every year or two, we adults changed jobs or workplaces, learned new skills, made new friends and had a chance for a "do-over."

Hmmm, makes me wonder if once again - I have something to learn from my kids!

creation, discovery or both?

2010-08-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Are we here to find ourselves or invent ourselves, find our purpose or create it, discovery or creation? So many of the wonderful texts that I have read on spiritual development, living your life on purpose and fulfillment seem to be at least on the suface at cross purposes on this question. On the one hand, I am encouraged to stop, breathe, relax, let it flow, meditate, dream, visualize, manage my thoughts and imagine. On the other hand, I am here to create and to manifest my reality and myself. I am a co-creator with God..capable of calling on the depth and width of the universe to improve my reality. Use your talents, fulfull your passion, your gifts and your desires to fill your life. As a magnet on my refrigerator says "life is not about finding yourself, but about creating yourself."

So which is it - create or discover..or a bit of both? I will admit that my natural tendencies used to be toward action and movement. The acts of introspection and discovery were challenging at first when I wanted to just get cracking and make it happen. Now, I have discovered the fun of peeling back the layers of life and of myself and revel in the aha moments - now a joyous part of my life. To dream about what might be possible, remember what brings me passion and happiness, visualizing my opportunities are all second nature now. So how do I make it all happen..is it time to step up and re-engage the creation portion of the equation? Have I gone so far to the dreaming side of the process, that I need to take more action? When do you let it flow and when do you act?

Perhaps life is about both - discovery/dreaming and creation/manifestation. Maybe, the first step is to spend the time and mental, emotional and spiritual energy to dream, visualize and discover one's passion, dreams, long forgotten talents and true soul's purpose. Step two is action - the creation and manifestation of those dreams and desires. The process is fluid, continual and never ending... The rub, I think- where we get screwed up - is in making sure thsat step one and two are in sync. Is what you are trying to create and bring into your life in alignment with step one? Will your actions and efforts to create, develop or build result in bringing to life your dreams, desires and life's purpose.

Writing seems like the perfect example. To tell a story, you need to dream, think, imagine the characters, do the research, let the story flow into and or through you. You also have to do the work- schedule the time in front of the computer, write, get the words on paper, edit, re-write, read, re-write again and make it happen. The process requires the whole equation.

When step one and two are in sync- life seems smoother, as though it has purpose and rhythm. You are more peaceful and content and full. Life doesn't seem to be so much about seeking, trying to make things fit that don't or looking for what's missing. Life seems fuller, more peaceful and on track. I have been on both sides of this equation at different phases of my life. Time to take a look at where I am now and celebrate both discovery and creation.

Be it ever so humble...home sweet home

2010-08-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

One of the benefits of frequent travel for work is the joy of coming home. I don't just mean the sweet relief of landing at the Atlanta airport- side note, flying home to Altanta on Friday afternoon/evening-forget about it! I mean the welcoming comfort of your home, your own space.

My home has a laundry list of needed repairs and home improvement from the cosmetic (paint, tile to be put in place) to the more urgent (gutters need replaced, basement water damage, stupid ants- sorry my Buddhist tendencies only go so far.) Lets not even get started on the backyard and unfinished laundry room. It is enough for several HGTV shows and a fantasy come true for a diehard do it yourself home improvement fan. Some of the work is a hold over from my long ended marriage (ex was a contractor) and some of it is just the wear and tear of owning a 25 plus year old house. So the complaining is finished, the point of this rambling is actually that there is still no place like home.

When I divorced, I kept the house and all related debt for several reasons. I live in an amazing neighborhood with neighbors who are like family and friends who actually support and care for one another. I also wanted to give my daughters who were quite young at the time - 2 and 6 - the sense of stability that remaining in their home would bring them. With the subsequent housing bust - this may not have been the smartest financial move of my life. But it felt right and still does. Like so many, I will not be moving anytime soon- in the current market with what I would need to invest in the house to fix it up to sell - I would owe more than I would make.

I love making a house a home and have had the incredible fortune of being able to open whatever home I have lived in at the time to friends and family when they needed a place to stay. I have been blessed in that way. Makes me realize that a home is so much more than an investment or a project. I am truly lucky to have a place to go home to at all.

Even with all of the work my house needs, it is still mine (OK I share that ownership with Citimortgage) and my kids. It is still the place in which we laugh, cook, eat, sleep, celebrate, play and disagree. Even Lily, who has many opinions about what needs to be done (new deck doors, yard is embarrassing, pressure wash needed, paint, rug in family room) looks forward to getting back home after being away.

So there is no place like home sweet home. I celebrate you - my leaky, work in progress and realize that I am blessed.

Flexiblity = Balance?

2010-08-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

August is going to be a crazy, busy month..one that on paper may stretch and pull my work/life/mommy balance in new directions. I have quite a bit of required work travel, primarily to Making Strides Against Breast Cancer kick-off breakfasts and then conducting post breakfast trainings in those locations throughout our Division -Raleigh, Baltimore, Wilmington, Richmond... The good news is that I love to facilitate and train. It is my absolute favorite component of the job. In fact, I would love to train, faciliate, write and coach full time.

The challenging news is that the dates of some of the travel coincide with some key times for my children - school open houses and first days. I should, according to the calendar, be in DC on August 23 - but that is Lily's 1st day of middle school and I can't miss that experience. She will need my attention and love more than ever in the coming years. Fortunately, an amazing colleague is going to fill in that day for me. Add in the following: back to school shopping, bus schedules, after school child care arrangements for Avery (still not firmed up - yikes), the usual cleaning, laundry, cooking, exercise and the myriad of needed home repairs/work that seem to be adding up daily and I may laugh hyserically..or cry.

The month will require flying out in the evening after open houses, same day early morning travels, calling upon my friends and sister for help with childcare and just dealing with it.

Flexibility will be key...from me, my kids and hopefully my colleagues. The push/pull is that as a single parent; I need to be here for my kids and I am also the breadwinner. So being here for my kids also means making money to take care of them and provide them what they need to thrive and grow. At this point in time, that means a job with a tough commute and travel. I also enjoy the intellectual stimulation and growth my career provides. Fortunately, I have great kids who go with the flow, pitch in to help and seem to appreciate what it takes.

So flexibility and a few deep breaths here and there will help make it work.

Gorgeous sunsets and another year..

2010-07-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

What a way to spend a birthday - watching a gorgeous sunset over the ocean. It really is an awe inspiring sight. According to Avery, it looks like the ocean just swallows up the sun. And quickly since in a matter of minutes, that beautiful orange blob is just a memory leaving beautiful colors in its wake. Feels that way sometimes as another year passes -where did the time go? Before you know it, that year is gone, swallowed up by time. Just like that and the time is gone. Surely memories and the impact of the time remain; some as beautiful colors and some with darker hues.

I am entering my 47th year with a feeling of change and restlessness gnawing at me that I can't fully define. Some of it is certainly work related with changes underway to my current role and other opportunities ahead. I think part of the restlessness is due to the fact that the sun does seem to sink a little faster every year. Time does seem to go by more quickly. And turning 47 is not a big deal in terms of aging. I got over the aging issue many years ago, in fact growing older has distinct advantages. I am more concerned about what is left as of yet undone. I am very blessed and grateful for the wonderful things in my life - chief among them my incredible kids, health, friends and the ability to provide for my family. I know I have accomplished much, and at the same time, I have the distinct feeling that there is alot more left here for me to do. I have to put my finger on what it is- work based, writing, more kids, spiritual growth, love, partnership? Ever feel as though you are not quite complete? not quite doing enough or fully using your gifts? That you had better snap to it and start doing so before the big orange blob sinks down again?

As amazing as this wonderful week was with my kids, I have yet to completely relax.. the little bits of things left undone still not quite done. I am not there yet. Perhaps we never ever feel "done" and that is on purpose so we continue to savor the wonderful sweet mystery of life and stay plugged in, alive and moving forward. But this feels different..change is around me in a way that I can feel, taste and sense.

I say bring it on 47! I am more than ready for the changes! After all, following a gorgeous sunset is an equally dazzling sunrise...

A Llittle R and R

2010-07-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

A little R and R..rest and relaxation. What a concept! Actually taking a little time away from the daily routine and work for respite, fun and a chance to re-connect with those you love. I believe it is also referred to as a vacation!

I don't know about you, but it has been a while since I have compeletely disconnected and plugged back into my children. Maybe is our culture, my work culture in particular, expectations of availability due to technology or a self created need to always keep on top of things. We have a generous leave policy at my place of employment - however that many of us don't take it. We roll over vacation days to the next year, bring our laptops to the beach and sit on conference calls while in line at a theme park or even in labor... (all are true- I admit to being the theme park violator) and yes I had a colleague in the hospital about to deliver a baby and on a conference call. As my daughter asked me.."are you really going to be on vacation, or be on the blackberry with work the whole time?" Ouch. Suffice it to say I declined two conference calls next week.

I know that this is not unique to my workplace. Look around you, people are harried, need a break and do not take it. The holiday, vacation, sabbatical is a time honored tradition and for good reason. Look around the world, in some countries it is widely accepted (for good reason) that it is imperative for good health and sanity to take an extended break from the grind. In fact, it makes you a better and more productive employee. I have a friend whose employer expects 24/7 availablity and even a week off is frowned upon. Time to reassess employment opportunities! I think there is a bit of ego involved also when we refuse to take a break. At almost 47 years old, I have finally gotten the loud and clear message that the world really is not going to implode if I am out of touch for a while.

The human mind and spirit was built to need quiet, down time and a change from the regular routine. Time to breathe and think and relax. That is when brilliance flows and ideas germinate, because the mind has time to quiet and finish a thought. It is time for me to have some R and R.. relax, breathe, re-connect..

the power of friends

2010-07-16T06:18:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded this week about the power of good friends. When it comes down to it, relationships and the people in my life help make my world wonderful. They help me share the good times and help pull me through the rough stuff. At the end of the day, they are what really matter to me.

I have had very tough week with some challenges that will inevitably bring some additional changes to my life. Changes that I believe will actually turn out to be great when I make them happen. The power of friendship got me through the tough days this week. The former colleague who emailed me to check in, my dear friends who called and talked me through my disappointment and helped me plan.

I tend to think of the best in others and figure that most people are good at heart so I am always surprised when someone turns out not to be trustworthy. On the other hand, much more often than not, the people in my life surround me with support and love. For that I am very grateful.

People and our amazing connections...are more important..than money, material things, job titles, and status. I will continue to try and be the best friend that I can, have integrity and treat others with honesty and love. My wonderful friends deserve it.

Writer's Block

2010-07-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

Writer's block: fact or fiction. As someone who writes, or more often lately, purports to write versus actually doing it, I am pondering the idea of wrtiter's block. Is it a real affliction? Or the result of being tired? Or some wacky form of self sabatoge?

I have so much to say through words - fiction, an idea for a non-fiction book, children's stories. Some works are finished, some in research phase and some are just ideas (very persistent ideas) floating around in my gray matter.

Perhaps to overcome writer's block, one must research and write about it. Hopefully, this is not another attempt to avoid actually writing. LOL.

Here is some content (not written by me) dicovered on the concept of writer's block:

"Most writers will have trouble with writer's block at some point in their lives. The possible reasons for writer's block are myriad: fear, loss of inspireation,anxiety, a life change, the end of a project, the beginning of a project…almost anything, it seems, can cause that particular feeling of fear and frustration. Fortunately there are as many ways to deal with writer's block as there are causes."

Of the possible solutions- these made the most sense to me

"Implement a Writing Schedule.
Carve out a time to write and then ignore the writer's block. Show up to write, even if nothing comes right away. When your body shows up to the page at the same time and place every day, eventually your mind -- and your muse -- will do the same. Graham Greene famously wrote 500 words, and only 500 words, every morning. Five hundred words is only about a page, but with those mere 500 words per day, Greene wrote and published over 30 books."

"2. Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself.
In fact, don’t be hard on yourself at all while writing. Anna Quindlin wrote, “People have writer’s block not because they can’t write, but because they despair of writing eloquently.” Turn the critical brain off. There is a time and place for criticism: it’s called editing."

I write best when it I do not censor or edit during the creative process. Those are the times when I get lost in the research or the act of putting thoughts into words and on paper. Time seems to disappear. Perhaps the issue is exactly that - disappearing time..a precious commodity to me. Perhaps, I am not letting myself disappear into China in the 18th century, my stacks of research on footbinding and the precious connection between mother and daughter for my unfinished novel. Perhaps rewriting a children's book manuscript on adoption and soul connections is a seen by some part of me as a waste of time since it is incredibly tough to get a children's book published. Perhaps I procrastinated too long on my non-fiction book idea "Spirit Connects Us All" - a compilation of amazing adoption stories (since I saw that Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul is already out there.) Perhaps, I let the more rational and logical parts of my personality take over which squashes the creative. "You do not have time to work on this- there is real work to do, laundry to be done, a house to clean and kids to care for."

This leads to the first suggestion listed above - establish a writing schedule and stick to it. Maybe that is a way of using my logical side instead of going to war with it. Building writing time and a sacred space in which to do it (another challenge altogether) would put the structure around the creativity.

My daughter Lily is an avid reader and had begun writing in the evenings. I have peeked at it (after all she uses my laptop) and am amazed at how well she has written her short stories. They are truly interesting and always have a bit of fantasy or magic woven into the storyline. Watching her at work (or should I say at play) on them is fascinating. She loses herself and track of time and seems to be writing for the fun of it and as she has said "I have a great new idea for a story and just have to use the computer right now."

Maybe my answer to writer's block sits with my daughter...

Good enough??

2010-06-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel pulled in so many directions that it doesn't seem that you are accomplishing much at all? Be it your boss, work pressures, kids, home repairs, financial pressures,family, friends - you name it. You want to be there for everyone yet often feel as though you end up not doing anything to the best of your abilities? For my single parent friends - ever feel really tired of doing it all by yourself and feel even worse that your kids just don't get what other kids do? Either not as much of your time because you are working/traveling to pay the bills or they don't get to take karate right now or have a Wii because it just is not in the budget. The balancing act can sometimes make me want to pull the covers up over my head and shut out the world for a while.

I try to then re-focus myself back to reality and the fact that it is impossible to make everyone happy, meet all expectations, be the perfect mother, the most appealing and attactive date (some of the requirements of those in the online dating world are interesting- but that is another post), a great daughter/sister/friend/colleague all of the time. Sometimes you just have to call "uncle", wave the white flag and do the best that you can. Perhaps, just perhaps, others are not expecting top performance all the time (OK maybe our bosses are- LOL) and the pressure is sometimes self-imposed.

When life and expectations get overwhelming, I have decided to try a new tactic. My life is filled with amazing and interesting people. I find people- how they think, feel, and experience life to be fascinating. Maybe this is why I enjoy books and movies; the chance to experience life through another's person's world. It is helpful for me to focus on these amazing people and getting to really know them instead of worrying about my to do list and my "I did not get it done very well at all" list.

Interestingly enough, most people tend to be less hard on us than we are on ourselves. Perhaps others are feeling just as pulled as I am. Time to take a deep breath, be really present with those around me, really focus on the little girl(s) behind those knowing brown eyes and realize that sometimes that is enough.

What you love is what you are gifted at - Barbara Sher

2010-06-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Jennifer has created a fabulous website aimed at women called Femcentral - filled with resources for women and their health, relationships, careers- emotional and spiritual needs- http://www.jenniferlshelton.com. Several weeks ago she featured a video clip by a woman named Barbara Sher about mapping out your life, particularly the second half of your life if you happen to be in my age group. I had never heard of Barbara Sher before but it turns out she is somewhat of an icon in the career coaching, find your way movement; a life coach before they were known as such. The message of clip has stayed with me for weeks and I have shared it with friends.

The bottom line premise is simple - what you love is what you are gifted at, there is no other way to know who you are. According to Barbara, every single one of us is born with a gift, a unique vision of the world. We need to find our inner genius. If we can tap into that, our path in life is so much richer. Discovering, or in many cases, remembering what we love is more powerful than any other tool you an use to find your way.

Unfortunately, that is not always the message that we get from parents, teachers and others who influence us- she said imagine being a little artist born into a family of lawyers...they will wonder when the child will stop scribbling on the floor and get on with picking a career. Conversly, imagine the little lawyer born into the family of artists- he or she would be seen as obnoxious, argumentative and probably sent to therapy.

I have heard the message before that you should do what you love, follow your bliss and find out what "you are good at." Interestingly, you can be good at many things that you do not love; that don't tap into your passion. The message that I took from her work is that if you really want to thrive and adore your work - you know some people really do- then you have to find a way to figure it out. What is it that you truly love? When are you so in the "zone" that you forget what time it is? It is the most accurate guidepost that we have in life to find our way. The cynic in me says, but what about reality - who is going to pay you to read or bake or fight for chidren, meet new people, thow a party or write or train or speak...wait a second maybe there is something to this!

The other lesson for me from Barbara's work was about my kids and how darn careful I have to be to not make assumptions about the path their lives should take. I could assume Lily will end up in law because of her tendency to argue and negotiate. However, she also loves music, especially the piano and cello and lately she has been spending her evenings reading and writing very imaginative and colorful short stories. Avery is a gentle soul who loves to draw and is a whiz at math. She also is an instinctive caretaker who has a "wild heart" or way with animals. Who knows what my daughters will discover that they love. My task is to keep an open mind, encourage them to try new things and stay out of the way as they find their path.

What you love is what you are gifted at; there is no other way to know who you are...

Mother's Day = reminder of faith

2010-05-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

It has quite a while since I have blogged; life and a certain amount of writer's block have been in the way. I am inspired by this special day - when I get to rejoice in being a mommy and the connection that my daughters and I share with one another.

Some days when I get caught up in the business and busy-ness of life, the miracle of our story is not top of mind. I don't think about our journey, how I felt and knew these children were waiting for me across the ocean, how "right" and destined it felt and most of all...how everything lined up to make it happen. All of the coincidences, lost paperwork, delays in my adoption processes led me to my sweet girls. I believe that when you follow your heart and instincts you are on the right path and God and the universe line up behind you. I have never once questioned my decisions to adopt my daughters. No matter the challenges I have faced- single motherhood, divorce, financial constraints - nothing has ever felt more right and natural than being their mother. In fact, I would adopt again in a heartbeat.

Some days I have a tougher time connecting this fact to other areas of my life where frustration and disappointment crop up especially in my career or romance. After a particularly rough week, I realize that making these connections are going to be critical for me to do. Why do I feel as though some days I cannot seem to do enough, that I am off track? Am I missing something? Am I doing what I am called to do? Why do I seem to have trouble attracting the right man into my life? Why do I hang onto relationships that are not meeting my needs? Perhaps it is because I do not like what my instincts are telling me.

My fiend has an amazing website called FemCentral.. http://www.jenniferlshelton.com which is a virtual institute for women. She has a link to work by a wondeful woman named Barbara Sher- author of the classic book "Wishcraft, How to Get What You Really Want." Her new work is about finding direction and purpose in the second half of life. Her key advice is simple but brilliant " What you love is what you are gifted at. there is no other way to know who you are." Everyone has a unique vision and gift - tapping into that is the answer to finding your path. That advice resonates with me, because when you do what you love, tap into those talents and gifts - it feels natural, on track and right. Just like it did when I became a mother.

In terms of love and relationships..I have to believe that the same rules apply. When it feels right, natural and dare I say it - smooth for both of us, then perhaps we will have found one another. Certainly there are differences of opinion, challenges and times of tension in any relationship. But if at the core, you know that this is the person for you- then you are able to work through those situations. How do you know if he is that person? For me it is through what my instincts and heart (and his actions of course) are telling me. My challenges have come when I ignore those instincts. All I really need to do is follow my heart and let thoughts drift to my children. I will be reminded that if my heart and mind remain open- what is meant to be will happen.

Happy Mother's Day to all.

Spring break bookshelf

2010-04-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

I took the opportunity over the past week to indulge in one of my favorite past times - reading. I can honestly say that I love the written word - fiction, non-fiction... you name it and I will give it a try. I checked out my bookshelves this week and they are overflowing. I tend to buy books vs.check them out from the library- not the wisest fiscal choice but it is one of the few treats that I allow myself. I consider books an investment, often pulling them down to reread - or pass on like a treasure to friends. A review of my shelves this week found me going down memory lane with a few reads that I had forgotten that I own. I found themes among the titles, times when I have been fascinated by various cultures: tons of Asian authors from Ha Jin to Amy Tan to Jhumpa Lahiri (had a spell when I was fascinated with India), Latin-American authors,African- American writers and a number of works by Jewish storytellers. Here are a few of my favorites- by NO means an exhaustive list...just the first handful I came across on shelves one to three..

"The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver- one of my all time favorites. She is an amazing writer and her characters feel so real that you swear that you know them. This story of a missionary who takes his wife and daughters to Africa is one of her best. Each chapter is told from the point of view of a different family member. I read an interview with the author who said that she wrote a version of each chapter from every character's position and then selected the one that best fit as the book came together.. Amazing amount of work and vision by this talented woman.

"The Lost Daughters of China" by Karin Evans..subtitled Abandoned Girls, Their Journey to America and the Search for a Missing Past. A must read for anyone who has or is considering adopting a Chinese child. The writer is a journalist and mother of a Chinese daughter who defines the complex problem of abandonment of female babies and children and adoption - she does not oversimplify the issue or villify anyone in the situation. Published in 2000 - the year after I adopted Lily, this book answered questions, felt so familiar and is extraordinary.

"Expecting Adam" by Martha Beck - yes this is the same woman who now is a life coach and writes for O Magazine. This book is a memoir of when she was pregnant with her son Adam and she was informed that he would be born with Downs Syndrome. At the time, Martha had another child, was married and avidly pursuing an advanced degree at Harvard - known for intellectual pursuit and perfection. It was certainly not an environment where carrying this "imperfect" child to term and being excited about his arrival were widely accepted. The experiences that she has while expecting Adam were miraculous, other worldy and simply not able to be explained away by science or logic. He is a blessing beyond imagining in her life. An amazing book.

"The Joy Luck Club," "The Kitchen God's Wife," "Saving Fish From Drowning," "The Bonesetter's Daughter" - all by Amy Tan. Maybe it is because my children are Chinese, perhaps because they girls.. but I love her work. I get absorbed easily in her tales of family, Chinese culture, duty and love. When I crack open an Amy Tan novel at bedtime, I have to be careful because the next thing I know it is 3 am and I have been lost for hours in her words.

"Man's Search For Meaning" by Victor Frankl and "Night" by Elie Wiesel - what can you say about two amazing pieces of work about one of the most horrific times in history and human experiences- the Holocaust. How in the world do you survive such and experience with not just your body but your mind and spirit intact?

"The Secret of Jin-Shei" - by Alma Alexander - in the spririt of "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan: -this novel tells the story of connection between women in ancient China. Thought of as property, chattel, a nuisance and inferior, women bonded together to survive. This is the first time that I learned because women in ancient China were not allowed to learn to read and write, they actually created their own language, passed it onto their daughters and corresponded by writing inside of fans..

"Reading Lolita in Tehran" by Azar Nafisi - Reading in secret...learning in secret - why? Because you are a woman and the Islamic Republic of Iran has forbidden that you do so. As you read this book, you get drawn into the world's of the characters and their lives, there is so much more to these women than the political circumstances in which they find themsleves. Ultimately a story about triumph and the power of words.

"Many Lives..Many Masters." by Brian Weiss MD - Weiss is an Ivy League trained, very practical psychiatrist trying to help his patients overcome their fears and phobias. He uses hypnosis to try and find the root of his patients issues in childhood and in the case of Catherine finds that the hypnosis goes back further - to her past lives. The door seems to have cracked open and this cynical doctor finds his patients benefit from these past life regressions..but he benefits even more. Whatever your belief in reincarnation - this book is fascinating, actually makes sense and may leave you saying..hmmmm.

"Cane River" by Lalita Tademy- wonderful book..one of those novels that are really hard to put down. It is about four women who begin their lives in slavery, survive war, injustice and prejudice. Based in Louisiana it is steeped in Creole culture and you will be amazed at the strength of the women portrayed in the book. I am always horrified when I read about slavery - especially from the perspective of women- and how easily families were split, husbands sent away and children sold away from mothers. How could any rational human being ever think that was OK?

"Thirteen Senses" by Victor Villesnor - what keeps a couple married for 50 years? This is a fabulous story of a family, passion, magic and the marriage of Salvador and Lupe. It is funny, sad, and told in a unique voice. I loved it.

"Daughter of Fortune" by Isabel Allende - while I love everything she has ever written, this is my favorite. It hops from Chile to California in the gold rush to Hong Kong. Her books are so detailed that you think you can see, feel and taste the experience. This book makes me wonder- what would I be willing to do for love? What chances would I be willing to take?

" The Seat of the Soul" - hang on to your hats and open your mind - way open in fact-for Gary Zukav's unique take on the soul, God, our relationships to one another and to the greater universe. The combination of spirituality and quantum physics make this a fascinating read. In my case..re-read... because some chapters certainly require me to tackle them again to get a greater understanding of the concepts.

"Betty Crocker's New Cookbook- everything you know to learn to cook" - first cookbook I ever purchased and how I learned to cook. Frankly better than the Joy of Cooking due to the photographs so you know if what you concocted looks like it is supposed to.

For the beach - any book by Jennifer Weiner - while considered "chick lit" I think her books are wonderful - well written and completely absorbing.

Again, this is just taste of my bookself. Hopefully my spring cleaning will allow me to re-discover some more old favorites!

Lightening Up

2010-04-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading amazing essays by two accomplished women - writer Elizabeth Gilbert and TV producer and writer Shonda Rhimes. Both were in a section in the latest O Magazine about happiness. They both resonated with me. They talked about our quest for having it all, self improvement and measuring ourselves by the accomplishments of others and our "lists for ourselves." It struck a chord with this woman on her reinvention journey. I do have a lot of plans and goals, many as of yet unrealized for my life.

That is not necesarily a bad thing,.... but how do you find "happiness" if you can never get it all done and meet those expectations that are often set by yourself. Elizabeth (I will call her by her first name since I have read all of her books- the most well known being "Eat, Pray, Love") wrote about how we women compare ourselves to one another and never feel like we are doing quite enough.

Here is a quote from the article that has stuck with me all day (O Magazine - May 2101 issue): "My sister Catherine, told me recently about a conversation she had with a sweet neighbor who - after watching Catherine spend an afternoon organizing a scavenger hunt for local kids- said sadly "you are a better mother than I will ever be." At which point my sister grabbed her friend's hand and said "Please lets not do this to one another OK". No seriously, please lets not. Because it breaks my heart to know that so many amazing women are waking up at 3 o'clock in the morning and abusing themselves for not having gone to art school, learning French or organizing the neighborhood scavenger hunt." She goes onto to write about how a quest for perfection can cause one not to take chances and make mistakes - which in itself is the biggest mistake of all. Because screwing up - marrying the wrong man, taking the wrong job, blowing your diet is how we learn and the "maps of our lives are created by our mistakes and lessons learned."

I have never been one of those ziplock baggie moms- the type who always had everything their kids might need -from diaper wipes when they were young, to crayons, bandaids and organic crackers- all neatly tucked and ziplocked in their purse for when they are needed. Thank God those wonderful women exist because I was the one borrowing what I needed from them. My kids watch too much TV, often sleep with me, aren't involved in as many extracurricular activities as others, went to daycare and probably eat more pizza than they should. I am not the room mom, don't buy only organic food or have a perfect house..they have seen me cry, fall apart, screw up, apologize and pick myself back up. Not the perfect mom..but a pretty darned good one. How do I know that? Because my kids are somehow turning out to be pretty great. They are smart, loving, kind and other moms always tell me how well mannered and polite they are - that part seems to happen outside of our house! We laugh, love, argue and enjoy one another. I want them to be strong, smart, make good choices in life and realize that no matter what happens -they will thrive through it.

Shonda's article (going with first name here because I watch the programs she created and produces - Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice) chronicles how easy it is to forget "our happy." Seriously, she states, "we live in a country where food is plentiful, we are safe, there is no malaria or genocide." Seems a little whiny to complain about traffic, 10- OK - 15 extra pounds- especially when you have so much. How many times do we say .. I would be happier..if I fit into those jeans, had a man in my life, wasn't struggling financially...

What if this is it? What if we need to find "our happy" right now with our lives just as they are? I think that is possible if we take the advice of both Elizabeth and Shonda and maybe lighten up on ourselves. We are not going to be perfect, it is OK to mess up, OK to take longer to reach a goal and make a mistake - date the wrong man in the quest for love, stand up to your boss, submit that imperfect manuscript. I still have my dreams and desires...but perhaps lightening up will make it a lot more fun to get there. Plus that inspires gratitude for my amazing life and allows me to find my "happy" right now..

Spring, Easter and new beginnings

2010-04-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

This is a gorgeous spring day, a beautiful Easter Sunday! Tulips, my absolute favorite flower are blooming in the yard, trees are awash with pink and white - eveything seems lighter, brighter and more beautiful. Even people's moods seem to be more cheerful.

It strikes me that with all of this new growth, beauty and change, perhaps Spring is the best time for beginnings, self-discovery, life altering decisions and the real time for "New Years" resolutions. Or perhaps the warmth; newness of the fresh, fragrant colors and sense of possibiity in the air resurfaces the dreams, desires and plans that have been tucked away. It feels like anything is really possible.

Now it is time to tap into that potential to move forward with some of my dreams.... writing, career growth or change, new or blossoming relationships. I can feel it in the air- the ripe potential of the future.

Advantages to getting older..or Holy Crap- when did that happen!

2010-03-31T06:00:00.001-07:00

Yes, you read the title correctly....this is my ode to the positive things about getting older. Please note that I did not say aging. I am not quite there yet. This is my response and attempt to stay upbeat after one of those mornings when you look in the mirror and say "Holy Crap - when did that happen!!" Ever notice how on the inside you still feel 25 years old, but the rest of you does not cooperate with that feeling? So here is my list..would love to know what you think!

* Confidence - ah, the wonderful sense of knowing that you can handle what may come your way in life- the good, the bad and the ugly. This is built by life experience and actually living through, no make that thriving through the hard stuff - disappointments, loss of loved ones, health issues, workplace politics, rejections and even a broken heart or two. At the time, you may feel like crying and that things won't ever get better..but they really do. After years of life, these experiences turn into confidence in yourself.

* The small stuff really is small.. Man I wish I understood this when I was younger! Again, this is tied to life experience and shifting priorities as you grow, parent, become responsible for others, and watch your own parents age and pass away. Good grief - wish I could get back all of the time spent worrying about nonsense, unimportant things and small stuff. Have a laugh, have fun - everything is not so serious.. If you need a reminder, remember that face that stared back at you in the mirror this morning!

* Knowing your worth. This may be a by-product of confidence but as you grow older, it becomes so much easier to have those tough conversations with others and yourself (yes talking to yourself can be a result of getting older,) stand up for yourself, go for what you want and not fall apart if you do not get it. I know what I am worth and what I want out of life and my relationships. And I won't be spending much time and energy on people and situations that don't match that path or honor my worth. Ever watch an older woman go through a divorce and rebuild her life? She can become quite the force to be reckoned with.

* Time and life are precious. As those years and birthdays tick by, it becomes more and more obvious that time is not to be wasted (see bullet point above.) Remember feeling immortal in your youth and thinking that you had what seemed like forever to figure it all out? Well, you don't. So the sooner you get busy with the process of living and squeezing joy out of every circumstance and each day the better. Sometimes that means making a decision and just going for it!

* Answering to yourself and staying true to yourself. After I rounded 40, my mother told me that an amazing thing was going to happen. You will stop caring what others think about you and your choices and will stop comparing yourself to others. It is really true and has only gotten stronger at the age of 46. Wonder what 50 will bring? I don't have the time, energy or desire to compare or compete with other women. In my opinion, this is something that we as a gender, need to fix overall and start supporting and cheering for one another instead. There is always going to be someone smarter, more beautiful, thinner and more successful than you..period. Spending energy fighting that is pointless. So I work on bettering my best not someone else's and presenting myself as who I am. I have to tell you that it is alot more fun!

* You are smarter.. Maybe not in the IQ test sort of way, but in the abiity to size up situations and people. You have done it many times before. Plus your BS meter is really tuned and it is easier to spot dishonesty, other people's agendas and take care of yourself.

So the outside may no longer match the inside but perhaps the advantages outweigh all of that.

Best things I have done for myself

2010-03-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

One of my friends had a post the other day noting that it had been a year since she had moved and what a great choice it had been for her life. Her post had me thinking about the things I had done in my life, the choices I have made that turned out to have wonderful and sometimes amazing results. It is easy to be hard on yourself and focus on the mistakes..the "I should have done that.." verbal punishment we sometimes give ourselves.

So here is the list, in no particular order, of wonderful chioices. To be honest, some were deliberate, thoughtful decisions that I felt driven to make. Others seem more like a natural course of events.

* Learning to love to read as a child. Many thanks to Sister Mary Elizabeth in the 1st grade who taught me how to read and the many other teachers that I had over the years who enforced the message. I was a serious bookworm as a child - devouring many books a week that I had checked out from the library. In addition to being a bookworm, I was rather geeky in the middle school years and books were a refuge. This love of books created in me a passionate affair with the written word that extends to this day. It pains me to watch my youngest daughter struggle to learn to read and because of the joy I have found in books, I will do anything I can to help her master this skill.

* Packing my car and a moving all by myself from Toledo, OH to Orlando, Fl when I was in my mid-twenties. I did not know a soul in Florida and at 26 took a promotion with the American Cancer Society and began a new adventure in my life. I learned my job and my craft, managed a budget, made friends, gained confidence and learned to stand on my own two feet. I made great friends and one in particular is still very important to me. Those early years of struggle were a great lesson and taught me that I really can take care of myself no matter what. I remember only being able to afford one item and so having to choose the product that is more versatile: paper towels, napkins or tissues!

* Moving to Atlanta in the mid-90s- again as a single woman and again for a job promotion. This time, however, was a lot easier for a number of reasons. I was older, ready for the change and a dear friend of mine who was also my roommate lost her job the week I was to move. So I figured, what the heck- come with me. I thoroughly enjoy living in Atlanta and feel very at home here with wonderful people in my life.

* Adopting my children. What more can I say about this topic except that they are amazing girls and I still marvel at how lucky I am to be their mother. These are definetly the choices that feel the most meant to be...

* Making it through betrayal and divorce with my heart still open...broken open some say is the real description of what can happen when one goes though heartbreak. I had to divorce my ex for my sake, my children's sake and because he did not want to be fully in the marriage. I saw women all around me in similiar circumstances who became and stayed bitter and who distrusted all men from that point forward. Thankfully, I had a wonderful father and brothers so I knew that good men did still exist. It was really a deliberate choice to keep my heart open and keep bitterness at bay. And believe me it was hard at times. I am glad I made this choice and now have a loving, open heart to offer a man.

* Hosting an exchange student...People thought I was crazy of course. The year after my divorce was final, I took in a 15 year old girl, named Jill,from Taiwan for a year. I had the rather idealistic notion that she would help the girls and I learn Mandarin. The opposite happened of course- we worked on her English. The really tricky part was that it was very last minute. She was supposed to stay with a different family- it was all arranged. At the last minute, they were unable to take her due to illness in the family. The original family consisted of a single mom with two daughters from China who were the same ages and from the same provinces as my girls. Surely, I told myself, this was some sort of sign. So it was a fun, crazy, busy year and I think it was a great distraction and filled some sort of void for the girls. A wonderful experience.

* Venturing back out into the dating world in my mid-40s. Challenging, different, fun and at times confusing - dating at this age is a whole new adventure. The good news is that you are more conident and less likely to engage in any game playing at this juncture. And who knows, love might venture into my life.

I will surely have many more choices to come and changes in my life. Here is to hoping that most of them will be as wonderful as this list!

I did it!!!

2010-03-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

13.1 miles - a 1/2 marathon! The alarm went off at 5 a.m. and I must admit that I was tired. Even though I went to bed at a crazy, early hour- I did not sleep too well. Arrived and the rain was on the way. 7 am the race begins. I was further back in the crowd since I was walking a large part of the event.

I ran the first mile and a half, then walked, then ran occasionally - especially when going downhill! LOL. Pain did ensue - a headache for some strange reason but most of all sore feet. My legs felt OK - but something tells me my legs and butt are going to hurt tomorrow.

The first 8 miles felt pretty smooth and the route was really beautiful - through midtown, Old Fourth Ward, Inman Park, Little Five Points, Poncey Highland, Virginia Highland. I was reminded again how lovely Atlanta is and the gorgeous old homes helped to distract me from the fact that there are some hills in this glorious city!

Mile 10 - got a bit tired...feet really starting to hurt. Fortunately, I had some great folks next to me and we all agreed to help each other through it. Plus I had he knowledge that I was raising money for the American Cancer Society. My friend Lisa is battling breast cancer and if she can endure surgery, chemo and radiation, I could surely handle this little bit of pain.

Mile 11 - wonderful sight to see. And then the paths (1/2 marathon and full) were once again next to each other. It was mind boggling to me to see these athletes. We round to mile 12 - mile 24 for them! The last few miles were hard in some ways but easier than others in that the end was near. You could see the CNN building in the distance so I just knew it was possible. The last 1/2 mile or so was the best, crossing that fabulous finish line.

I am rather proud of myself!! 46 years old and finished my first half marathon! The best part of the whole experience was my 11 year old daughter Lily high fiving me and saying, "Mom, you awesome." Another plus - decided that today I can eat anything I want. So this goal in my reinvention is complete! I now feel inspired to continue on this healthy journey.

Love

2010-03-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

I had a rather low key, lovely weekend and a chance for some wonderful time with my girls. Had the time also to some thinking about what I have, what I want and my future. Spending time with my daughters is often the best therapy I can find for a rough week.

Here is an example.. Lily was gone for a birthday party for part of the weekend so Avery and I got to be alone together. She is practicing her writing so we were sitting together watching a movie and she handed me a notebook in which she had written the following:

"I love you Mom, I do love you, I am happy that we ary togeder..do you love me?" We went back and forth, writing comments in this Dr. Seuess style rhyme. Couldn't help but wonder, once again, how these amazing girls came into my life as my daughters. I won't rehash again the miracle that it is to me, but maybe it all comes down to one thing..love. I can't imagine my life without them and the love that we share. Do you ever hug your children, or your parent, or spouse or partner and become overwhelmed with how deep the emotion can feel?

Love is something I certainly need in my life and something that I am looking to add with a special man. I realize that the love for him will be different than the bond that I share with my children. Lets face it, all types of love are a little different as is their impact on your life. To me however, love and its variations are more alike than different. They are rooted in connections- spritual, emotional, mental, physical; caring; faith; vulnerability and the ability to give as well as receive. I know for a fact that my ability to love others and love them well has increased from my experience as a mother. Even my marriage and divorce set the stage for a deeper relationship to come. I read once that your heart is not "broken when you go through pain..but broken open."

So I celebrate the love my daughters and I share and know that the other love I seek will indeed enter my life...I have a lot of it to give...and am ready to receive.

music and potential

2010-03-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a "cluster" concert for five elementary school, two middle school and a high school orchestra. The music was wonderful and of course, I love watching Lily play the cello. One of the best parts of the evening was watching the younger kids as the high school orchestra played. You could see that they were in awe of the teenagers; trying to comprehend that at one point these wonderful musicians were once beginners.

As I watched, listened and observed my daughter play her cello, I felt a wave of emotion and tears filled my eyes. Thank God she could not see me or she would have been mortfied. I was overwhelmed with the thought of all of these young, talented people playing their hearts out. What potential! I just looked at my daughter in all of her intensity, beauty and 11 year old attitude and marveled about what the future will hold for her. What will she do with her life? What sort of adult will she be? What joys will she experience? How will she deal with the challenges that she will face? Sometimes as a parent, I wish that I could put into her brain all that I have learned over the years. Imagine having all of that potential and future along with the knowledge of experience. Of course, that would rob her of the joy of life and the discovery of who she is deep inside.

The potential of my daughter and all of these kids just made me pause and gave me hope for the future.

Blessings

2010-03-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

"Don't block your blessings" a wise friend and colleague mentioned to me this week. What an interesting concept; the idea of somehow blocking the good things that come my way or perhaps even the things that I desire to come into my life. Maybe that is because blessings are sometimes hidden behind tough times, change or even disappointment.

Or perhaps, it stems from not having enough patience to wait for the blessings to blossom, appear or come out of hiding. This is certainly true of writing..ideas trickle in and germinate- the trick is knowing when they have fermented long enough and need to be put on paper. And of course, not allowing the "germination period" to become an excuse or a case of writer's block.

I had a great meeting this week with Avery's teachers and speech therapist. She has come so far with speech therapy and the special help she has received for language arts and reading and it has made all the difference in the world. Speech therapy will be cut back down to three days a week and next year, in second grade, she will only need extra resource help for reading. Her language arts skills have grown so much that she will be back in the regular classroom for that subject. I was blown away by an amazing story that she had written about a talking cat - such imagination and talent for storytelling. She is confident, smart, happy, social and full of joy. One of her teachers described her as full of smiles and a child who loves life. They delight in working with her every day.

What does this have to do with hidden blessings? When I first realized that Avery needed extra help with a language processing disorder and speech - I did not exactly rejoice in the challenge she was facing. Now I realize that this experience has been a blessing. She has grown, had one to one attention, built confidence and has relationships with several additional adults who now care for her and have her best interests at heart. And they see her as a blessing in their work.

Relationships can sometimes require patience and an ability to recognize a blessing in development. Things need time to grow, develop (or not) at the right pace. The best relationships are when this progression feels natural, easy and without a lot of self doubt, insecurity or drama. Of course, that takes patience, knowledge of your self worth and a sometimes a little faith. I talked to a good friend of mine today, also dating post-divorce, and he said "at least you know you are the total package and what you want and deserve." Dang, he is right! Reminding myself of that is a good exercise. Part of reinventing myself has been the wonderful experience in presenting myself in a completely authentic way....being myself without games. The right man will realize that I am the "total package" and things will blossom as they should.

Patience is not my strongest virtue...surely a life lesson for me. I have had and continue to have experiences that seemed to be designed to help me deepen my levels of patience (hint to God and the Universe -I get it now..LOL) Blessings are welcome to come my way, I am ready..

Soft places to land

2010-03-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

Where or to whom do you turn to at the end of a rough day? Is there a person or place that provides comfort? I like to think that my home provides that sort of warm environment for my girls. We often spend Friday evenings hunkered down together for movies, pizza and hugs- kind of a time out from the "real world." A home or favorite spot can be a refuge, a place of respite and peace.

I hope that in addition to providing a physical oasis for my kids, that I am also personally their soft place to land. No matter who you are, man or woman, independent or strong - it sure helps to have someone in your life who can be that cushion to life. Makes life easier when someone has your back, will listen to you, can give you the comfort that you need. Obviously, this can be a partner, spouse, friend- heck even a pet!

I was asked a while back in one of those online dating questions - what I really wanted from a relationship. It occurs to me that this is the crux of the answer. Sure - passion, friendship, companionship, shared goals and interests were probably how I responded. But really, when it comes down to it, having someone in my life to be that soft place to land and in return, being that for him can make all the difference.

introspection, clarity and choices

2010-02-28T07:41:00.000-08:00

It has been a bit of a weekend of introspection for me. Perhaps since so much of this weekend has been about driving the girls to various activities, I have had time to think. A zen moment or two if you will. For some reason, this weekend was also cloaked in bit of sadness. I have been thinking about my Dad alot this weekend-it actually started last weekend. He passed away almost 5 years ago - the same time as when my divorce was final. This may sound crazy to some people, but I feel his presence with me these days. Almost as though he is trying to tell me something. Told you it was a strange weekend!

Four months of reinvention have passed - it is almost March. I am trying to assess what has really changed in my life. Certainly I am more self aware, thinking more clearly about some of the choices that I make. The 1/2 mararthon is in 3 weeks, I don't feel as prepared as I would like to be, but will do fine. Dating has been fun - dating like a man if you recall- but I find myself in a place of being tired of the "game." I am ready for one man in my life - a healthy, deep relationship.

I feel like I am on the verge of something significant occuring in my life....just not sure exactly what is is yet. I have a few things going on that may require a choice or two from me in the next few months. Looking for a clarity right now that I don't quite have. As always, I have faith that the answers will be revealed if I listen with an open heart.

As I am discovering, I am not so much reinventing my life- as I am reinventing myself.

Favorite Things...

2010-02-25T07:17:00.000-08:00

One of my dear colleagues, Lissa Lee, issued a request to list your favorite things as a way to beat the February doldrums. It does make you smile to stop and make such a list! So here goes, a random compilation of things that bring me joy - in no particular order.

* The sound of my daughters' laughter- especially if they are playing with one another.

* Hearing "I love you Mommy (Mom in the case of Lily)"

* Fresh flowers- the scent, the look- simply glorious

* My faith and knowing that all will be OK and work out as it should.

* A great book...a good book for that matter- the written word in general.

* Cooking and baking

* The smell of baking cookies or bread

* Music - any variety...

* A smooth commute

* Travel

* Dark chocolate

* Art- paintings, sculpture..- especially Lynne Fischer's work!

* How I feel after exercise

* A great night's sleep - is there anything sweeter than waking up and looking at the clock to realize it is not yet time to get up and you can snooze some more.

* Being in the arms of a good man

* A new cookbook

* The ocean -the beach brings me sanity

* The holidays - any work but the Christmas season is my favorite

* A gorgeous Spring day with warm sunshine on my face

* A gorgeous Fall day - colorful foliage

* Snow on Christmas morning - in moderation

* Barnes and Noble

* The Food Network - it soothes me..kind of like ESPN does for men

* My amazing friends and family

* Fresh herbs

* A glass (of two) of good wine

* Prayer

* A cup of tea - especially peppermint- it is like drinking a candy cane.

* A pedicure - complete with a wonderful foot massage!

* Going to the movies

* Laughter

* Having someone in my life to take care of.

* Having someone in my life to love.

* The ability to feel deeply...to cry..and to laugh

* Colleagues, volunteers and a staff team who are amazing and dedicated and have my back.

* Watching a staff person whom I have hired blossom and grow beyond what they thought they could do.

Now - go make your list!!

Balance?

2010-02-23T16:43:00.000-08:00

Balance- and the many ways has it been described:

* delicate act or a state of equilibrium

* proportion: harmonious arrangement or relation of parts or elements within a whole (as in a design); "in all perfectly beautiful objects there is found the opposition of one part to another and a reciprocal balance"- John Ruskin

* equality of distribution

* remainder: something left after other parts have been taken away;

* support on a narrow base, so as to keep from falling; as, to balance a plate on the end of a cane; to balance one's self on a tight rope, on a scale (bleh to anything related to a scale!)

I find myself thinking about balance today. Usually that falls under the category of trying to balance my time in order to get it all done and accomplish what is on my plate. Haven't usually thought of it as a harmonious arrangement and it sure doesn't feel equitable on many days. It does often feel like a delicate balance and for the most part I do keep myself from falling!

Being the best mom that I can, keeping on top of things at work and supporting my family, taking care of my home, writing, exercise, developing and strengthening relationships, dating, opening up to love, spiritual growth, hobbies, learning - can be a lot to fit into a day - oh and let us not forget sleep! Should I finish that work project, do the dishes or play with my girls? Some days it does feel like one part of the equation is not reciprocal but in fact receives what is is left after the rest is taken away.

When I read the purpose of my reinvention journey, it sure seems like I have all of these bases covered. My work itself requires an ability to multi-task through mutiple projects and revenue streams. We did a time study to determine on which efforts we spend our time. One of my colleagues reviewed my report and said - "you need ADD to do your job." Humorous! Yes, I have a variety of duties and responsibilities and some days it may seem overwhelming..but I wouldn't have it any other way. I would be bored if my job did not have variety and continual challenges.

My children- those amazing creatures who keep me busy, sometimes distracted, laughing like crazy, but always loved beyond measure. Life as a single mom can be a balancing act..but I wouldn't miss the chance to be a mother for anything in the world. No sense of harmony or proportion would be worth not having them...my heart fills with the thought of my daughters.

Writing - what can I say except to me it is as important as breathing...must express myself through words so that has to go in the keep column of the balance scale.

Relationships, dating, passion, finding love- I need that in my life as well. I have been dating in this crazy post divorce world for a while and have a strong sense of what I want in a man. That clarity helps me keep dating in balance. It certainly helps to date a man who has kids. A dad understands the priority that children have in life. Not to mention that being a good dad/involved father make a man incredibly sexy.

So what about the rest of it - there is so much to do and balance. Will every project at work be great - no, will I miss something with my kids- yes, are my abs firm - no...but somehow it will all work out the way it is supposed to and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So tomorrow will be a balancing act- kids to the bus at 7 am, then time on the treadmill, 8 am work conference call, to Avery's classroom by 9:30 to talk about Chinese New Year, then commute to work...get in a full day, schedule a vet appt for the dog, home by 6, pick up the kids, dinner, reading practice, homework, relaxation...and on. Did I mention that I also hope to have a phone call with J - a very handsome, smart, single Dad that I have been spending time with lately..

Might be rather harmonious after all...

Tigers!

2010-02-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Today marks the dawn of a new year on the Chinese calendar - year 4708- the Tiger. Tigers are known for passion, optimism, courage, strength, bravery, and beauty. In Chinese astrology, tiger years can be full of change, new beginnings and sometimes upheaval and challenge- of course those with tiger attributes can thrive.

The image that keeps coming to mind is similarity between this vision and the house full of tigers I had here on Saturday night. We celebrated Lily's 11th birthday with bumper cars, arcade games, laser tag and then a slumber party. These seven tigers were 5th grade girls - 11 and 10 year olds on the verge of massive change in their lives. Changes are beginning in this 5th grade group but nothing dramatic enough yet to edge out their fabulous characteristics.

Girls this age are strong, unafraid to be who they are, ready for new adventures, fun, hopeful, smart, creative and still willing to express an honest opinion. They are more defined by their own thoughts, wants, intellect and challenges than others opinions of them. It is cool to be smart or atheletic. It is not cool to be less than yourself. Hormones, peer pressure, self image woes and competition have yet to mask these fabulous traits and glorious individuality.

I am fully aware that change is coming, they however, do not grasp the full depth with which their lives will be transformed in the coming years. I hope and pray that these amazing girls are able to keep their tiger spirit through the changes.
Once that spirit fades so you can fit in, not make waves, be a "team player" and meet others expectations and needs- it can take years to get it back. For some of us, that tiger spirit does not return until age 40 or so when we really stop caring, once again, what others think of us and how we live our lives.

For now, I will enjoy being around these spirited young girls and remember that fearless moment in time. Maybe some of it will rub off on me!

Glass slippers are on sale at Macy's!

2010-02-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year again - Valentine's Day, when those in romantic relationships, both budding and established, celebrate their affection for one another. Single people everywhere smile at their happiness, but often with clenched teeth..thinking... where the heck are my flowers? Where is my Mr. Right or Ms. Right or if you believe in fairy tales from The Mouse- Prince Charming? I am a true romantic at heart. I believe in love and romance and very much want to add someone special to my life. I am actually a bit sad that I am not in love and that someone is not in love with me on this February 14th.

I saw Princess and the Frog recently with Avery and it was quite enjoyable as it was set in New Orleans and the music was amazing. Of course, there were princesses(hence the title)and a Prince and all of the usual stuff. In an interesting twist though, the main female character is the hard working, driven one in this tale and the Prince is a bit of a slacker playboy. Spoiler alert here - the end of course was classic Disney, happily ever after and all of that. Got me thinking about the glass slipper theory and the reality of dating and finding love.

Lets take glass slippers for a moment..really? Glass?? Taking it literally - ouch! Glass slippers would be hard, uncomfortable and breakable. No offense guys, but it had to be designed by a man. You sure could not run in them (look what happened to poor Cindy when she ran for the pumpkin coach.) You couldn't kick up your heels - if one of those suckers flew off, it could hurt someone or worse yet shatter into a million pieces. Ever step on a sliver of broken glass- it hurts..imagine a whole shoe. Lets not forget the Prince is going from house to house meeting tons of women while you sit at home waiting for him to show up and pick you.

Not quite reality..And really lets look at it from the guy's perspective for a minute. What a huge level of pressure- not only do you ask a woman out, usually pay, hopefully successfully woo her - but you have to be a Prince also; rescue her and solve all of her problems. Whew.. Lets hope we women don't still harbour that fantasy and realize that we need to rescue ourselves so we have something to give back to the man in our life.

Men seem to have figured out a few things about dating that perhaps we women should copy. I don't expect a Disney movie about dating like a man anytime soon but I have been embracing these ideas lately and having fun! If you read "He's Just Not That Into You"-some of this may sound familiar.

1. Date to find love, don't wait to find love... Get out and date, have FUN, meet people, date outside of your usual "type" and get outside the comfort zone. The Prince is not showing up at the door with a glass slipper. Unless the UPS man is really hot, single and asks you out..it is time to get out of the house.

2. Every single man you meet is not necessarily "the one." If he is, time will tell and you will realize it by how you click and how he treats you. How often do we get fixated after one date, immediately give our heart away...thinking...this is it..waiting for the phone to ring. Go out with someone else, get out with your girlfriends instead of waiting by the phone. And we HATE this one- if he doesn't call or ask you out again quickly..he is just not that into you. And yes, he may very well be interested in someone else. No analysis or moping needed. If he is not making an effort then it is OK to move on so you are open to meeting the next guy who might just be terrific.

3. Keep your girls night out, keep your friends close. How often do we get wrapped up in a new love interest and lose that closeness with our girlfriends. Keep those ties strong..they help us stay true to ourselves.

4. Embrace who you are..uniqueness gorgeousness as well as flaws and make no excuses for it. I don't know many men who skip a night out because of how their jeans fit. In return, accept men for who and what they are when you meet them. We are not going change, reform or modify who they are to meet our Prince Charming model.

Last but not least- rescue yourself! If you really want a pair of glass slippers- buy yourself a pair...they are probably on sale at Macys!

Inspiration?!

2010-02-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

Inspiration - that mysterious, wonderful, and sometimes elusive sense of direction, mission or purpose. Don't you love it when you feel completely inspired about a project, dream, or a hobby. It is amazing to get into the "zone" and lose track of time as you are wrapped up in, lost in he art of inspired effort, creating something new and magical.

My question is how do you find that inspiration? Sometimes it comes to me in a flash, or without even intentionally reaching for it. That good idea, light bulb moment, crazy dream with a nugget of truth comes to me without effort. At other times, it feels as though I am literally searching for inspiration. Of course, life goes on and so must the responsibilities and expectations of work and daily life. So sometimes extra hard work replaces the ease of inspiration and things do get done but seem to do so with a little less luster.

What does inspire? For me... the words and ideas of those whom I admire, my daughters, a well written story, song or piece of art. A cause or injustice of some sort brings out the passion in me, especially when it impacts children. Can inspiration be practical as well? The need to pay the bills piled on the countertop, to make up for late or missing child support, to meet the expectations at work..- shouldn't that inspire me to work harder, write more, work to get published to bring in extra dollars? It doesn't seem to work that way. Looking for inspiration in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and yes, even a little angry- is not effective. Perhaps because that search is based more in fear and need than possiblities. Perhaps inspiration is the gift you get for sincerely looking to accomplish what you are meant to do. Fear, worry and concern probably block that process.

So before I tackle that pile of bills and put them in the proper perspective..I researched some quotes that inspire me.. Hope you enjoy them (if anyone is really out there reading this- LOL.)

*"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
Henry David Thoreau

* "The power of imagination makes us infinite."
John Muir

* "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do."
Epictetus

* “If you only do what you know you can do- you never do very much.”
Tom Krause

* "The end of wisdom is to dream high enough not to lose the dream in the seeking of it." William Faulkner

* "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." Langston Hughes

* "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
Eleanor Roosevelt

*“I shut my eyes in order to see.”
Paul Gauguin

* “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

What inspires you?

Sunday Dinner

2010-01-31T15:39:00.001-08:00

Ah, the family Sunday dinner. I am rather a traditionalist when it comes to Sunday dinner- for that matter, taking care of my family in general. I am not always the tough career chick - I actually love cooking for and caring for my girls. In fact, nothing brings me more joy. Avery told me tonight - " I am so glad you got to be my mom...want to know why? Because I love you, you love me and you are a good cooker. You should have a baking shop." Now how did my child know of my secret desire to be a pastry chef? Of course, this was right after she ate dinner and devoured a baked from scratch yellow cupcake with chocolate frosting. Yes, I do love to cook - not always great for the waistline, but surely good for the heart.

Sundays, in particular, have special meaning. I remember going to my grandparents on Sunday for dinner. I don't have any idea how often we went, but it seems like alot. The four kids would pile in my parents station wagon and trek from West Toledo to South Toledo. Probably a 20 minute drive, but it felt longer as a kid. My grandmother usually made roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy rutabagas (for my sister and dad), veggies, rolls - a big spread.

My grandpa always had golf on the TV and when we got there, would take us into the kitchen for a soda. My older siblings tell me that he put a nip of whiskey in our 7-Up- kind of a mini highball. Probably so his grandkids were quiet so he could watch the game. After dinner, we watched Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom and marveled at how the old guy would always send in Jim to do the really scary stuff. After Wild Kingdom, came Lawrence Welk and maybe the start of Mitch Miller and then we had to head home. My Grandpa always washed the dishes. He was a "manly" guy - a union man and an electrician. And there he would be over the sink, wearing an apron with a cigar sticking out of the corner of his mouth- quite a sight.

I want my girls to have wonderful Sunday memories. Our family may be smaller, but we can still make it special. Our new tradition is that each person gets to pick the Sunday dinner menu one week and the rotate. Lily has next week and no surprise wants angel hair pasta, garlic bread and broccoli. The week after is Avery's turn and she wants Chinese. So I am going to pull out the cookbooks and find some recipes for us to try. Sunday dinner needs to be special.

The best is yet to come...

2010-01-30T13:55:00.001-08:00

If there was ever a day meant for writing, for blogging - this is it. Rainy, cold weather outside and a warm, cozy day inside. I did take a long walk in all of this mess and maybe the exercise has put me in a better mood than normal. Listening to some old school favorites Aaron Neville and Van Morrison has me quoting "Someone Like You" by Van. Maybe Van is right and the best is yet to come.

I was going to blog today about patience and my efforts to store up more of that particular virtue, but that can be a topic for another day. In addition to making me feel good, exercise helps me clear my head and shake loose the neural cobwebs. Add to that a pretty productive week at work, some time spent with a smart and attractive man, wonderful and supportive friends and great kids. I am feeling rather optimistic and remain grateful for the amazing gifts that I have in my life.

I am beginning to think that a byproduct of this living authentically journey is an extra boost of happiness or contentment. Maybe it is the process of accepting yourself fully, being true to yourself and being open to bringing into your life the people and experiences that will also honor and appreciate the real authentic you. The other half of that equation is, of course, not to allow into your life, and your head for that matter, the people and experiences who don't honor and appreciate your unique self. There is an amazing freedom in that experience. Back to the Four Agreements- if someone does not value or appreciate the authentic me- there is not a whole lot I can do about that. Remaining true to myself is the best response.

It is turning out to be pretty cool to put myself out there in full and living color- being truly who I am, and watching what happens in response. Freedom is the best word I can use to define the feeling. Make no mistake, it has and will be tough at times and frankly even a little scary- especially in the dating world- to stay on this journey. But I am beginning to see why so many brilliant minds suggest this path as the one that will lead to happiness.

So here I am - like it or not..LOL I remained convinced that my life will continue to move in the right direction. The best is yet to come!!

Strength

2010-01-24T17:55:00.000-08:00

Strength - what does that mean to you...are the impressions good or bad? I have been told many times that I am strong. Usually, I interpreted that as positive. Resilent, able to withstand emotional and physical pain, toughness, able to offer support and succor to others, pulling myself and other through a crisis- seem like good traits to get through life. Yet at times, I have felt defensive and even defiant about my so called strength. Why? Isn't that what got me through the tough times? Is it not feminine enough? If so, that is a lie. Some of the strongest, toughest and most powerful people I have ever met are women.

I had a wonderful conversation this weekend with J - he asked me over dinner why I seem to apologize or justify being strong. Why is it something that I must explain or defend? Great questions... Who told me I was "too strong?" When my answer was my ex-husband for one- well it became obvious that I was putting credence or power into the words and opinion of someone whose thoughts really didn't apply to who I am at my core. In other words, "why the hell do you care what he thinks?" Made sense to me. After all, life can be tough, don't you want your partner to be able to deal with it and help you get through it?

Aha moment for me. I really don't care what he thinks. Maybe it was the fact that the, man I had once married and loved at one point found me too strong..too powerful. I realized in that moment that well..I am strong, have a strong personality, have strong love and loyalty for people in my life and I have no need to apologize or explain that strength.

The man who enters my life will not only be OK with that- he will value that quality in me. He will, in fact, draw strength and power from my strength and realize that it does not diminish him. In fact, it helps us both. The reality is that a strong man values a strong woman. He is not intimidated or lessened by her power. He is energized by it and recognizes that when a woman's power backs him - there is nothing that he or she can not overcome.

So reinvention continues with the understanding that living authentically means not just understanding who I am but also appreciating it- including my strength. So if you need me.. I am here...

Laughter = stress release

2010-01-20T18:08:00.000-08:00

Stress release!! Lets count the ways - exercise, meditation, bubble bath, good book, and some wonderful other activities that we single gals don't get to experience often enough. Baking and cooking - yeah..that is what I meant LOL. Actually, I love to cook and especially to bake. I enjoy the creative and incredibly relaxing zone that I enter when I bake. Maybe there is something zen in the repetitive nature of mixing ingredients and dropping cookie dough on as tray..maybe it is because if I do say so myself, I good at it. OK -I know there was a whole successful blog about this - Julie and Julia..made into a book and movie...so I won't go there!

I realized tonight, however, that that one of the most soothing, fun, blood pressure reducing acts on the earth is free, fairly easy to do and simple - laughing. My girls can be silly little chicks and we laugh alot in this house. After a good laugh at one of Avery's antics, I realized that it was the most stress free and relaxed I had felt all day. And it was a rather stressful day. I love to laugh, enjoy a great joke and strive to find humor in everyday life. Going to the movies this weekend and I think a comedy is in order.

One of my goals in reinventing my life is to live with joy. Joy = passion, purpose and laughter! Time for a little more fun, joy and laughter..And maybe a batch of chocolate chip cookies for good measure.

Thanks Marianne and why not??

2010-01-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

Today was such a gorgeous day that I had to get outside instead of writing! So the theme to this blog post is one of my absolute favorite quotes of all time from Marianne Williamson.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

I find this message so powerful and necessary on those days when doubts creep in and the little voice inside (OK not actual voices LOL) isn't very encouraging- especially about those things in my life that I am wishing for that haven't quite shown up yet. I love the part in this quote about childen who shine. Think about kids before society, school, friends even we well meaning parents tell them that they can't do some something or that they are not as fabulous as they believe.

So here is to the brilliant Marianne Williamsonn quote. Who am I not to be able to dream big, change my life, walk a half marathon, meet a fabulous man and fall in love, be a great mom, write amazing books, find success at work. Why the heck not?

Heavy heart and glimmers of hope

2010-01-14T18:09:00.000-08:00

The images of the devastation and loss of life in Haiti wash over me and my heart gets so heavy and I can't help but cry. Just imagine your child lost in the rubble, being separated from your family or sleeping next to a corpse because there is no where else to go. Anyone else out there been reduced to a puddle of tears over this tragedy? I read tonight that they are still pulling people alive out of the rubble - I am sure that their loved ones are ecstatic.

As always in times of crisis, the human race seems to wake up from its siloed view of the world and open their hearts, prayers, emotions and wallets to help someone whom they do not know. We seem to "get" in these moments of tragedy that we do have a responsibility to help one another and that those of us who reside on this planet really are connected. The genuine love, compassion, aid and care being directed toward Haiti from our county and from around the world are the glimmers of hope from this tragedy. If we can get together across party lines in this country, and international borders with other countries to help Haiti - why in the world can't we all get it together to work on the other problems on the planet? A tragedy seems to bring out our universal, shared connection - that which makes us spirit as well as human and once again bring home the point that we really are more alike than different. The expression that we are spiritual beings having a human experience seems to come to life in these times.

Of course, there is always someone (if I was being ugly, I would call them idiots) who take times like this to bash people who are different than themselves, practice a different religion or politicize a nightmare situation for press coverage. I won't give these two guys the coverage in my blog but you probably know who they are... My two cents to those guys is guess what - you are not superior to anyone else because of your race, religion or politics... No one wishes for this to happen to someone else and no one deserves it. And guess what, we do have a moral obligation as spritual beings and members of the human race to lend a hand, a prayer and support to those in crisis no matter in what country they reside. For the folks who read the bible - when Jesus told us to help the least of his brothers, he did not add a bunch of qualifiers as to who deserves the help.

Tragedy remains but my heavy heart is lightened a bit with the outpouring of love and compassion from across the world.

The magic and power of words

2010-01-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

Words- written, spoken, a well told story all have tremendous power and bring me joy and inspiration. The power of the words we use to describe ourselves and others can uplift or dampen our spirits. I am reading a book by Wayne Dyer about the power of intention and attuning your vision, dreams, thoughts and attitude with your desired reality. The words we use have an equally powerful impact on our reality. I am still working on using gentler, kinder words with myself and those in my life. If thoughts and words have the power to manifest change in my life- I had better watch what I say and ensure it expresses what I want in my life.

A well told story, much like a beautiful piece of art or music can bridge generations, cultures and points of view. Words can entertain, enlighten, teach and touch your heart. Isn't diving into a good book, article or even losing yourself in in a story on the silver screen, the ultimate way of "walking in someone else's shoes" and learning about the world outside your own walls? To me writing and reading are the glue that connect my everyday life with both my inner self and the wisdom of others. I have read some amazing work over the years- both fiction and non-fiction and what strikes me is that whether a story is based in Afghanistan, Russia, China, the US or Chile - the human experience has much more in common than not. Dreams, desires, love, sorrow, joy, pain, the search for truth, and often for something "more" seem to be universal. Perhaps we really do lead an interconnected existence. Perhaps quantum physics is correct and the energy of life, in all its forms, really does intersect at a basic level and one person's experience is shared by all. Puts a whole new twist on being "your brother's keeper."

I have loved to read as long as I can remember- ever since my first grade teacher, Sister Mary Elizabeth taught me how to decipher letters into words and translate them into the magic of stories and books. The alchemy of words - truly transformative, magical thoughts put to paper or music have brought great joy into my life. It thrills me to see that Lily has a love for reading and pains me that Avery is still struggling with that translation that Sister Elizabeth taught me so well. I hope that both of my girls find the joy and magic in words and books. It will change and improve their lives in immeasurable ways.

Gratitude, solitude and a new year

2009-12-31T14:14:00.000-08:00

I have been remiss in my blogging duties, caught up I suppose in life- work, kids, holidays, dating and all of the wonderful things that I am supposed to be writing about. The dawning of new year and in fact a new decade seems like a good time to reflect, write and of course reinvent.

What have I learned in the past year and decade? More than I can even imagine if life experience is truly the best teacher. In the past ten years I became a mom for the second time, traveled to China again, managed some health challenges and surgery, survived the incredible pain of betrayal and divorce, mourned the loss of my father, moved, dated, worked, deepened friendships, made new friends and welcomed my sister into my home. I have cried, meditated, mothered, smiled, prayed, loved, laughed, written, read, and in the end celebrated my life..the good and the tough times. I love the concept of gratitude as a form of prayer. It is the ultimate thank you to God, the Creator, the Universe - whatever your beliefs tell you about a higher power or plan in our lives. Seems like a simple concept, but one that I must remind myself to do. Makes sense that if I want to open my life, heart and spirit to new joys, people and opportunities, I had better recognize what is all around me already.

For me that sometimes takes solitude..and getting quiet to drown out the noise of bills, kids, barking dogs, unfinished manuscripts, the ex-husband, late child support, bosses who want reports and numbers, and great guys I meet who don't seem to realize how fabulous I am (LOL) or who are not quite ready for a woman like me. My life is actually full of blessings that I see clearly when I open my eyes.

In 2010, I will find a way to give myself that solitude, quiet time for thinking, reflection, visualizing and dreaming. This is my year to manifest so much in my life- new love, a relationship, finished manuscripts, career growth or change, the completion of a half-marathon, a healthy and fit body... One of the reasons that I love walking/jogging vs. going to the gym is that it gives me a chance to be alone (a rarity in my life.) All of my dreams for the year are going to require that gift to myself of quiet time to connect with spirit and with myself. I have found meditation to be extremely helpful and soothing to my soul. Clearing my thoughts through mediation actually helps me get clarity about all the situations in my life -if of course I want clarity! Getting quiet will help me connect to write, to more clearly map out my career, to get aha moments of insight about ny kids and to recognize that special man when he shows up. It also results in me being a little kinder and more gentle with myself..

Happy New Year to all- I hope everyone finds peace, joy and your own sources of gratitude in the coming year.

Bittersweet memories and agreements

2009-12-11T18:48:00.000-08:00

December 11 - this has been a strange day for me. Ten years ago today I married my now ex-husband. Yes, this would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. However, almost 5 years ago at the end of January, 2005, my world felt like it was falling apart. I learned of my husband's infidelity and 9 month affair and by the summer of 2005, our marriage was officially and legally over. All of these years later, after the tears, prayer, meditation, counseling and ultimately forgiveness - of him and of myself, I find myself thinking about what this now long ended union brought into my life. I felt no anger or bitterness today...just a twinge of sadness of what might have been, not neccesarily with him, but with a man who really would have loved and cherished me as the vows ask one to do.

Top on the list of what I gained from my marriage is Dani - the amazing, beautiful young woman who became my stepdaughter and now is a 21 year old college junior. So hard to imagine that I met her when she was in the 5th grade which is the same age as my Lily. Ten plus years of having Dani in my life is well worth the pain of my marriage and divorce. She will always be my stepdaughter and in my heart.

I also learned so much about myself during that short lived marriage, through surviving betrayal and then divorce. I learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, that time really does heal, that I can bite my tongue almost all the way off to stop myself from saying something that will hurt my kids and that forgiveness and healing from the worst pain imaginable is actually possible.

A dear friend of mine is reading the Four Agreements - a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read it a number of years ago while going through my divorce and his mention of it brought back its meaning to me.

The book is a fascinating way to look at life and find happiness based on the Toltec teachings. The agreements help you break other false agreements that you have made with yourself and with others that cause pain and needless suffering. They remind me of some of the messages of detachment that you find in Buddhist philosophy.

The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The agreements sound like basic common sense but are harder to live by than they might seem. Agreement number two in particular seems to apply to what this day signifies to me. Realizing that nothing that my ex-husband said, did or didn't do really had anything to do with me. It was all of his "stuff", his problems, his issues and lessons. I had my own lessons and stuff to deal with but learning not to take his actions and words personally was HARD but neccessary for my healing and ability to make it through the pain I was feeling at that time.

Funny how things can come full circle. The Four Agreements is really a book about living authentically- my biggest goal in my desire to reinvent my life.
Time to pull it off the bookshelf!

Vicky's secrets, lies, men, daughters and body image

2009-12-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

I am a 46 year old woman.. and for at least 30 of those years, probably more, I hate to share the fact the a common theme and/or concern for me has been my body. Weight, body image, seeing myself as too fat, or believe it or not at times too thin (much more rare - early 20's when I was living on Dexatrim and didn't eat)..never good enough. Thinner was always better and meant pretty when I was growing up. I know that I share this issue with many women. Gorgeous, brilliant, successful and interestingly enough - often in women with wonderful figures. They (and I) always find our flaws. How can I have so much in life and still let a day be filled with concern because my hot, red, party dress for next week's bash may not fit exactly as I think it should.

I know I am not alone. I have a colleague- a drop dead gorgeous woman who works out regularly and literally has the perfect body. She was lamenting recently about the fact that she ate two or three slices of pound cake over the weekend. I would venture to guess than even the hot Victoria's Secret models worry over camera angles, cellulite and imagined body flaws.

It would be really convenient to blame men for all of this angst. You know, men - who love gorgeous thin women, adore and fantasize about centerfolds and porn stars. Isn't it their fault that we are trying to live up to some impossible image, some fantasy of the skinny stripper with big, fake boobs? After all, they like that stuff.. Except for the fact men seem to accept, desire and love women without the judgments that we often put on oursleves. I have been flirted with and asked out regularly over the past 30 years= actually more today than ever. Look around, women of all shapes and sizes often have adoring men at their sides. I think men respond to passionate, sexually confident (it really does get better for us over the years- subject of another post), and interested woman..period and when in the throes of passion are really not judging us or analyzing our cellulite levels. Thank God for men - you ROCK.

So if we can't blame men...lets blame the media. The Dove true beauty campaign was fascinating as it exposed all of the photoshopping and engineering that goes into a simple ad - neck thinned and stretched, cheekbones made more prominent, face thinned- you name it. I showed it to my 10 year old daughter who said "Nobody really looks like that then.." Truer words were never spoken. Factor in the very skinny models and actresses- and we do have a problem. Especially with young girls who don't yet know their worth and can't separate fantasy from reality. When I see the ultrathin models- maybe it is the mom in me, but all I can think about is that I really want to make them a sandwich! I do believe that media stereotypes are an issue and creating problems for our daughters. I will talk to my girls about those images and the expectations that they might create. But, really doesn't it come back to me in the end?

I am the one letting all of that nonsense in to my psyche. Nobody rents space in your head without your permission- I am still working on that. I am a smart, attractive, generous, sensuous, loving and successful woman. I am dating and men find me pretty and sexy. I am preparing to walk/jog a 1/2 marathon, eat healthy and remain committed to fitness. I take care of myself and feel better when I work out and eat right. Why isn't that enough for me.

So, this part of me is a work in progress, one that I will let my daughters in to see. I will celebrate the fact that men are pretty great. And I will have a heck of a time at my Holiday Bash in my hot, red party dress!

seeds of destiny?

2009-11-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

"Little ideas that tickle and nag and refuse to go away should never be ignored, for in them lie the seeds of destiny." From the movie, Babe.

Love this quote - stole it from a friend off of Facebook. Getting in touch with those "little ideas that tickle and nag and refuse to go away" and then taking action on them. Sounds simple enough... So why don't more of us - me in particular do it more often?

One of several writing projects buried in my brain and heart is a novel that I have been kicking around for years. Actually wrote the first few chapters and an outline on a computer that crashed...Grrr. Wish I could retrieve that data!

The story includes lives in both China in the late 1800s and today in the US and how the histories, destinies and very souls of the characters are intertwined. I have done research on China during that timeframe and particularly on footbinding which will be central to the story. The deep, amazing and sometimes tenuous bonds between mother and daughter over time are the crux of the story. As you might expect, adoption and our interconnectedness at all levels will be a theme below the surface. I have even developed a title- "When Earth Turns Over Heaven."

I have other writing ideas floating in my head as well. So why haven't I gotten it done? A wise friend told me yesterday that when I experience writer's block - it is not about the writing at all. He said it is about letting the ideas flow and getting back in touch with my spiritual connections. When I write and it just flows, I do feel connected with something greater than myself. When I struggle and can't even force words out on paper or a keyboard, I am disconnected with that source, with my imagination and ultimately with my ideas that tickle and nag and refuse to go away.

Time to reconnect with those ideas...

Have a little faith

2009-11-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

Like so many other people at this time of year, I give thanks- especially for my amazing daughters. Their existence in my life marks not just the ability for me to experience the empowering joy of motherhood. It also reminds me, when I let it, how sometimes things work out in life if you just have a little faith.

Faith means different things to different people. I am not just talking about religious or spiritual faith here, but the faith of knowing. Knowing that things do work out in the end, the bad stuff that happens to us does have a purpose and people really do come into our lives for a reason. Heady stuff and important reminders when you set out to reinvent your life and deal with the inevitable bumps in the road and disappointments when things may not look like they will turn out as you hope.

My childrens' appearance in my life truly did seem like a miracle...I am sure all parents of both adopted and biological kids feel that way. When I re-read some of my writing about those times and remember the challenges that led us together, I can't help but remember with a new spirit of clarity.

I knew Lily was waiting for me in China when I began the adoption process toward single parenthood at the age of 35. Many people thought I was nuts, I had no idea how I was going to pay for it all much less raise a child by myself. I charged ahead anyway because I listened to my heart and my intuition that was alternately screaming and whispering at me to just do it. There was a reason and purpose behind this adoption. I knew I wanted to be a mom but it felt like more. It was something that I absolutely had to do and that gave me confidence that I was on the right road, one that would lead me to a hotel in Nanchang, China in November of 1999. Of course, now I cannot imagine my life without her- this strong-willed, brilliant, sassy, beautiful creature that I have the honor of parenting and watch her grow ever more enchanting daily.

Avery's entrance into our lives was a comedy of errors and wait times that I now know were for a reason..so that Avery would be the child that I got to call my own. By the time Avery came along, I was married (and would be for a few more years before my divorce- but that is a whole separate post!- geez, the lessons I learned with that one.) Adopting as a couple is actually more complicated than adopting alone. Two sets of everything- records, employment verfications. fingerprints, background checks..and on and on. The adoption journey with Avery actually began in Ecuador. We had unexplained infertility issues so we decided to adopt. At the time, China had a quota system in place and the wait would have been two years. We had a number of issues during the paperwork gathering process. The INS lost our fingerprint records and dossier, homestudy delays.. Enough to delay our process for months. Finally, documents were ready and sealed in a Fed Ex packet to be sent by our agency to the orphange in Ecuador. Before FedEx arrived that morning, the agency got a call that there were government changes in Ecuador and no more dossiers and requests for adoption were being accepted. All of that work for nothing?? We had two other choices at that time - programs that our agency worked with- Guatemala or get back in line for China. Then what I have to believe was a divine hand giving me a final push in the right direction, on the same day that week, Guatemala decided to review adoption processes to comply with the Hague treaty and stopped accepting requests to adopt. AND miracle of miracles - China lifted its quota and began accepting dossiers and matching parents with children in orphanages who were ready to be adopted. About 10 months later - I recieved a photo and info about Avery - my sweet little sprite. Interestingly enough, I was not as disappointed as you might think when Ecuador fell through since it had never felt quite "right." In the back of my mind, I was always wishing we were going back to China. My Avery is child of joy who literally radiates love. She is a silly goofball who makes me laugh every day and is creative, smart, affectionate and much stronger than even she realizes. I get the joy of being told "I love you Mommy" every single day by this amazing little girl.

So, 1.2 billion people and at at the time of my adoptions- an estimated 1 million babies and little girls in orphanges in China. And I am blessed with two children who fit me and one another perfectly. How did that happen? My children balance each other and a share a connection that is deep and wide. Sure they fight as sisters do but are bonded in ways that are far deeper than biology. We are bonded by spirit and purpose. There is a reason that we are all together. We have much to learn and teach one another. Sometimes I look at them and think that my role in building this family was to give them each other as much as it was to become a mom.

As I look at my life and the things that I would like it to include, it sure helps to glance over at my children and remember all of this. Yes, I took action to bring them into my life but it was action driven by purpose, intent and a source higher than myself. My career will move forward even in this economy-I would not have been given the gift of these children without a way to care for them. I will continue to write and will be successful if I do it based on instinct and intuition and tell the stories that I am supposed to tell. And that man who is supposed to be in my life? He will enter it if I am open and realize it may not fall into place exactly as I may have envisioned. I will keep my heart open, love willingly and wait for it to happen. It will happen. As long as I have a little faith.

Know Your Worth

2009-11-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

One of my all time favorite movies is the Joy Luck Club based on the book by Amy Tan. It is one of my go to movies when I need the inspiration to write. A line in the movie that has stuck with me over the years is between mother and daughter and the mother admonishes her daughter to "know what you are worth." Seems that knowing that may be akin to and as important as knowing yourself.

My quest for reinvention revolves in large part around living authentically and being true to myself. After years of self-exploration, I have come to realize that selling myself short, settling for less than I might deserve in work and/or relationships is an issue with me. There is a very cool book by Caroline Myss, PhD called "The Sacred Contract" that details the historical archtypes - we all have a number of archtypes in ourselves and the one that reflects the situation that I just described is the "Prostitute." Now I am not calling myself a hooker here as it is not meant to be taken literally - but the essence is about selling yourself short, selling out, being taken advantage of..and I guess ultimately not being true to yourself.

My "aha" moment today was that living authentically means more than doing what I want and living for today, more than not playing games in the dating world and expressing myself honestly to others. That is a great start. But for me, living authentically means digging a little deeper. It means honoring my authentic self and knowing my worth even if it means a relationship morphs or ends, a man leaves, or expectations change. I know my worth and I am worth alot...

Life is short and precious - live it to the fullest

2009-11-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

Since I work for the American Cancer Society, I have frequent reminders of the fragility of life and how it can change on a dime. Interacting with cancer survivors and volunteers who have been impacted by the disease can drive that point home. Even with those reminders, it is still easy to fall into the trap of taking life for granted, getting caught up in the little things and on a bigger scale- standing in the way of your own dreams.

Last night, I spent some time with a dear friend who at the age of 45 has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. No family history- just wham - a hit out of the blue. She is seeing a surgeon today and is pretty terrified. Who knows what she will now deal with on her journey - surgery, chemo, radiation. In her words, "I don't care what they have to do, I just want to live." I listened and was glad to be able to share some resources from ACS with her. Her words have stayed in my mind all day.." I just want to live." This is a vibrant, loving and extremely generous woman, mother of two beautiful teenage girls. Her concerns extend to them as well. She needs to be here for them...are their chances of getting the disease increased? What does the future hold?

"I just want to live." Makes being concerned about bills, my commute, my job, meeting the right guy and the 15 lbs I want to lose seem pretty darn weak in comparison. Another reminder that life can change today or tomorrow without your consent. Another reminder NOT to let petty stuff or self imposed boundaries keep me down and prevent me from living life to the fullest while I am here on this planet.

Live, laugh and love to the fullest...After all, the opportunity to do just that is my hands right now. What am I waiting for?

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!

2009-11-15T15:41:00.000-08:00

Reinvention and dating part two... I love the quote from Katharine Hepburn in the the title of this post. It sums up how I am approaching dating while on my reinvention journey. Had a fabulous date last night with L, even more fun than the last one. And yes, all of the "dating" rules have been thrown out the window.

In particular, L is freshly divorced. As anyone in the dating after divorce world knows, that is usually a red flag to future heartbreak as is it rare for relationship that springs right after divorce to last. I have been the "transition" person in another situation and it can be painful. But, frankly in this case I have to quote another famous person - Rhett Butler- "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." I like L, enjoy spending time with him and he appears to feel the same way and the chemistry is amazing. He is truly a nice guy in addition to being handsome and fun. So the "no dating a newly divorced man rule" gets thrown out. I am having too much fun and and am too attracted to this man to care.

So I am going to enjoy the ride, enjoy this experience for as long as it lasts. Will I start to care for him and want a relationship at some point that he is not ready for? Maybe or maybe not. Perhaps this will bloom into something wonderful and become a relationship in spite of the "rules" and conventional wisdom. Perhaps not and it will be a wonderful, more short term ride. In any case, I will be damned if I am going to miss the experience because I might get hurt or be disappointed. I have survived heartbreak and disappointment before and would not pass up the joy that came before the pain. Life is too short to obey all the rules and miss all the fun! So bring it L! I am ready.

A personal vision statement?

2009-11-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

I was challenged today to develop a personal vision statement - a view of what I wanted in my life and how I wanted to live my life. This assignment came as part of my involvement in the National Leadership Development Program with the American Cancer Society. This has been a wonderful 18 month endeavour and we have tackled everything from increasing our organizational knowledge and skills to doing a ton of self assessments and inner work. This is one of our final attempts to tie together everything that we have learned and discovered about ourselves.

I had an a-ha moment and realized that I have already begun the process of developing this personal vision statement through capturing my thoughts when framing the purpose of this blog. Reinventing my life by living authentically and with integrity in all aspects of my life. Being confident enough in myself to live out loud and bring who I am to the scene and having enough faith that in doing so I will find my way and the right people will enter my world. Living with joy, passion, purpose, faith and in truth with myself- I will take that as a personal vision any day!

Doing what you are supposed to do??

2009-11-08T07:58:00.001-08:00

Have you ever felt that vague sense of loss or disappointment and question whether or not you are doing what you are meant to do in life? Some days I feel as though I am not fully living up to my potential and wonder what else is out there. I have a fabulous career with a great organization and also care deeply about women and children's issues, global poverty and of course adoption support. So why do I feel stuck sometimes? Why haven't I written any articles lately about these issues? Maybe life is just busy...

A dear friend told me recently that I put too much pressure on myself sometimes...that I needed to sit back and let ideas just flow without expectations. Maybe that is the balance here - get quiet an be open to the possibilities, that is when things flow your way. A challenge for a type A, get things done kind of gal like me...

Hmmmm, patience, letting things flow in their own time. I am sensing a theme here.....

Reinvention! Dating?

2009-11-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

Yes -I am reinventing my life! I have a pretty terrific one already but since things change - often without your consent..makes sense to me to make some changes on my own. At 46 years old, I have a good job, two amazing daughters whom I love with all my heart, fabulous friends, a great home and my health. I realize how lucky I am and am truly grateful for all of my blessings. What do I want - a life filled with purpose, passion, love and a deep spiritual connection. How much of that will happen on its own as part of a divine plan? How much do drive myself? I guess time will tell as I venture down my reinvention journey.

My goal is to remain authentic- be truly myself in all that I do- live out loud and in full color. One of the joys of being in your 40s is the knowledge that you really can do that! It truly does not matter what others think and in fact most of the time they are not paying attention to you anyway. Being true to who I am and putting myself out there without fear or hesitation may be most interesting when it comes to dating!

I have fully recovered from my painful divorce four years ago and have been in the dating scene for a while. Finally fully ready to meet someone special for a dating relationship. Open to what comes my way. Not out necessarily looking for a husband, but certainly in the market for a boyfriend. I am back in the scene and meeting interesting people - one in particular has caught my attention, lets call him L, and I hope to get to know him better. How do you stay true to yourself while navigating the dating game? Even at 46, the questions emerge- is he thinking of me, why hasn't he called...etc. Mix that in with all of the current "dating advice" about rules and men and women and your head will spin. Sooo, my approach will be different-no games, no nonsense, just me putting myself out there as I am. I have enough faith to know that there is a terrific guy out there for me. If L is as intrigued by me as I am by him - great, if not then I will have my answer and be open to another.

Maybe that is the balance when it comes to dating and reinventing my approach. Be open, honest, make an effort to meet folks and then rely on the knowledge- call it faith in the knowing that I am not meant to be alone- and just let life flow.