Together Again! Yes, that is the refrain that goes through my mind when I think of my daughters and the amazing journey that brought our hearts and souls back together in this lifetime. The journey to come together through adoption as mother and daughters and sisters spanned thousands of miles and years of planning, praying, hoping and dreaming. Together Again is also the name of the children’s book that I wrote to describe this journey and may resonate with other families who were built through adoption.
I have been telling our story for years to anyone who would listen -through my blog, articles and verbally. If you ask me why I traveled to China to adopt my daughters, get ready to hear the story. Because it is not just my story, it is our story. It is the story of the connection of the human race and of the human spirit. It is the story of the soul connections that are woven between all of humanity - no matter who we are, where we live, how much money we make, who we vote for or how we see the world. Adoption is an amazing example of those soul connections in action. In the adoption triad of birthparents, child and adoptive parents- we are all connected. It is no accident that we feel drawn to adopt from a certain country, from the foster care system or that we connect with birthparents and feel as though we were meant to find one another. It feels real and meant to be because it is supposed to happen that way.
It took me a while to realize what all this meant; that our lives and souls come together as planned. I followed my heart and intuition to adopt my daughters. The circumstances, delays, processes and what I thought at the time were coincidences actually conspired to connect me with these particular children. These girls could not fit more perfectly in my life and family than if they came to me biologically. So many adoptive parents understand exactly what I am talking about. And unfortunately, many who have not experienced adoption or any sort of non-traditional family do not.
It has become part of my life’s mission to help people understand adoption in the bigger context of spiritual connection. Over the past 13 years, as I grappled with the questions, complexities and emotions of adoption, I have come to such an understanding about what it really means. Adoption is not second choice or second best but meant to be, just as it is for all involved. We plan these relationships and these soul connections in our lives for a reason. Discovering the reason and lessons of these relationships are part of the beauty and mystery of our lives.
Ask an adoptive parent about his or her family and they will tell you that is feels destined and “meant to be.” It feels that ways because it is. Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit connects us all.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Must politics always get so nasty?
It is that time of year again in the U.S.- we are gearing up for a presidential election. The gloves have come off and the nastiness is in full swing- candidates in the primary airing negative ads about one another and of course name calling between parties and candidates. Poitical pundits, talk show hosts and bloggers feel free to join the fray as well. Lies, taunts and name calling- are we in elementary school? No, I am afraid not, these are grown-ups and they are acting in ways that we would counsel our children against.
The reason for the meanness and vitriol? Well, the other person has the audacity to have a differing opinion or share an opposite point of view. That does not make them evil, nazis or sluts. The funny thing that people have forgotten is that this is America, a country founded on that exact principle - that you are entitled to hold your own beliefs. You have the freedom to practice or NOT practice a religion, you can be a Democrat, Republican, liberal, conservative, member of the Tea Party, Occupy Movement, Independent, Green Party or apathy party if you want.
So why has this whole election gotten so angry and mean? This country has been in far tougher times before without having to get so vicious with one another in order to make changes. Why the personal attacks, disrespect, name calling and attacks based on gender? What is wrong with a rational debate, discussion of the issues and explanation of different viewpoints? Voters then choose the candidate that best represents their personal opinion of how the country should be managed. And then, guess what- sometimes in a country with varying opinions, you have to find common ground and compromise to get the work done.
How did we get so polarized and lose our focus as a people? When did we lose our ability to see one another's humanity and spiritual connectedness even if we disagree? I guess our politicians and party leaders think Americans are stupid and not able to make an informed choice so they feed us lies, soundbites, negativity and well..... crap. I have greater faith in the American people whom I think are getting fed up and tired of listening to all of the cruelty and PR spin. I hope the politicians are listening to us.
The reason for the meanness and vitriol? Well, the other person has the audacity to have a differing opinion or share an opposite point of view. That does not make them evil, nazis or sluts. The funny thing that people have forgotten is that this is America, a country founded on that exact principle - that you are entitled to hold your own beliefs. You have the freedom to practice or NOT practice a religion, you can be a Democrat, Republican, liberal, conservative, member of the Tea Party, Occupy Movement, Independent, Green Party or apathy party if you want.
So why has this whole election gotten so angry and mean? This country has been in far tougher times before without having to get so vicious with one another in order to make changes. Why the personal attacks, disrespect, name calling and attacks based on gender? What is wrong with a rational debate, discussion of the issues and explanation of different viewpoints? Voters then choose the candidate that best represents their personal opinion of how the country should be managed. And then, guess what- sometimes in a country with varying opinions, you have to find common ground and compromise to get the work done.
How did we get so polarized and lose our focus as a people? When did we lose our ability to see one another's humanity and spiritual connectedness even if we disagree? I guess our politicians and party leaders think Americans are stupid and not able to make an informed choice so they feed us lies, soundbites, negativity and well..... crap. I have greater faith in the American people whom I think are getting fed up and tired of listening to all of the cruelty and PR spin. I hope the politicians are listening to us.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Wish I could give them the world!
What a fabulous week for me! We celebrated Avery's 9th birthday and her gotcha day. Eight years ago this week, a few days after her first birthday, Avery was placed in my arms in Guangdong province, China and will forever be my daughter. She spent the first year of her life in an orphanage in Gaoming and adopting her is one the two best decisions of my life. The other best decision was adopting my other daughter Lily, from Jiangxi province several years earlier.
Parenthood is a marvelous spiritual, physical and emotional journey and has fulfilled something in me that I don't think could have been met any other way. I believe so strongly in life plans and soul agreements which are basically deals we make with one another and God before birth. We agree to love, challenge, teach and help one another grow and learn the lessons that we are here to learn. I think of my girls as walking testaments of faith because their entrance into my circle this lifetime was filled with twists, turns, agreements and reaching across thousands of miles for one another. I am lucky to have them because seeing them daily reminds me of how the hand of the divine helps guide us if we let it and that the universe will line up behind you to make your dreams happen if you are on the right path.
I hope my children's book Together Again begins to shed a little light on this beautiful mystery of life, how the cord between heaven and earth is real. Now I need to write more, in different genres to continue to spread the word.
My extraordinary daughters have so many gifts and much to offer the world and one another. I watch them together and realize that they are probably not even aware of how much they are learning from each other. My wish is that they cherish one another for a lifetime. As their mom, I wish I could give them the world, open all the doors possible so they can grow into the women they are meant to be and fulfill the soul agreements that they have made. I am truly blessed to be a witness to it!
Parenthood is a marvelous spiritual, physical and emotional journey and has fulfilled something in me that I don't think could have been met any other way. I believe so strongly in life plans and soul agreements which are basically deals we make with one another and God before birth. We agree to love, challenge, teach and help one another grow and learn the lessons that we are here to learn. I think of my girls as walking testaments of faith because their entrance into my circle this lifetime was filled with twists, turns, agreements and reaching across thousands of miles for one another. I am lucky to have them because seeing them daily reminds me of how the hand of the divine helps guide us if we let it and that the universe will line up behind you to make your dreams happen if you are on the right path.
I hope my children's book Together Again begins to shed a little light on this beautiful mystery of life, how the cord between heaven and earth is real. Now I need to write more, in different genres to continue to spread the word.
My extraordinary daughters have so many gifts and much to offer the world and one another. I watch them together and realize that they are probably not even aware of how much they are learning from each other. My wish is that they cherish one another for a lifetime. As their mom, I wish I could give them the world, open all the doors possible so they can grow into the women they are meant to be and fulfill the soul agreements that they have made. I am truly blessed to be a witness to it!
Monday, January 2, 2012
2012 is here!
2012 is here! I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that one - another year has passed. Let's hope the Mayans got it wrong and we have many more to come. Another year older, hopefully another year wiser. I have accomplished much in 2011 and have much more to do in 2012 and beyond. I am amazed at how fast my girls are growing up and how time seems to speed by more quickly, the older that I get.
The New Year is a time to remember the past year and dream, imagine and envision the next one. Lots to be grateful for in 2011- amazing healthy kids who are doing well, wonderful family and friends, a boyfriend who sends flowers on a regular basis and two incredible opportunities- a fabulous new job and the publishing of my children's book, Together Again.
What am I envisioning in 2012- a focus on prosperity of all types- more writing, financial success and stability, continued spiritual growth (need to get my meditation practice back on track) and fitness and health. Instead of resolutions, I am focusing on life themes and goals.
What are your themes for 2012?
The New Year is a time to remember the past year and dream, imagine and envision the next one. Lots to be grateful for in 2011- amazing healthy kids who are doing well, wonderful family and friends, a boyfriend who sends flowers on a regular basis and two incredible opportunities- a fabulous new job and the publishing of my children's book, Together Again.
What am I envisioning in 2012- a focus on prosperity of all types- more writing, financial success and stability, continued spiritual growth (need to get my meditation practice back on track) and fitness and health. Instead of resolutions, I am focusing on life themes and goals.
What are your themes for 2012?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Together Again
I have been very much a blogger slacker lately- with good reason. My children's book, "Together Again" has finally been published. The last six weeks have been a flurry of incredibly fun activity- selecting and working with an illustrator, selecting font types, cover art, reviewing book design. I am so excited and thrilled beyond words that it has come to life. The artist did an amazing job!.
The description and author bio from the book:
Have you ever felt as though you have known someone forever when you actually just met? Or felt a connection with your child or spouse that has an effortless, timeless quality? Together Again is the true story of such a soul connection between mother and daughter. Their story spans heaven and earth and thousands of miles as the two souls are reunited through the miracle of adoption. Their journey is spiritual as well as physical.
The story is told from the child's perspective: Do you remember where you lived before you were born? I do! I once live in heaven with my mommy and other people I love; then I was born in China. My mommy searched for me, found me across the ocean, and adopted me. From heaven to China to America ---we are together again!
Author, Laurie Stephens is a writer, dreamer, and a mom who loves laughter and this spiritual journey known as life. She works in the field of non-profit fundraising and marketing. Originally from Toledo, Ohio, Laurie currently resides in a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia, with her two incredible daughters.
To order go to http://www.shop.boutiqueofqualitybooks.com
Friday, October 28, 2011
National Adoption Month
I wrote and posted this one year ago - but it holds true this November as well!
National Adoption Month
November is national adoption month, so I gathered some thoughts about adoption and asked my kids as well.
Ten Things to Know about Adoption- from an adoptive parent’s perspective
1. Adoption is a very personal decision that an individual or couple makes on how to build a family. Don’t automatically assume they have fertility issues or it is a “second-best choice.” It is a permanent, court approved loving decision and one way that parents and children come together. The choice to adopt domestically or internationally is based on many factors and we frequently just “know” our children are waiting for us.
2. Adoptive parents are not “saving” a child and/or looking for “gratitude” from our kids, particularly if the child has been adopted from a developing country. As any adoptive parent will tell you, we are the lucky ones to have these amazing kids in our lives. We will work hard to make sure that they have a full understanding and appreciation for their birth country and heritage.
3. If you are really interested in adoption, the costs and the process- most of us would be happy to discuss our experience or refer you to our adoption agency. We do not, however, want to have these conversations in front of our children. And we will probably not discuss our child’s or their birthparent’s personal history with you.
4. Yes, there are costs involved in adoption, but we do not buy our children. The costs are for attorney fees, travel, paperwork, medical care and orphanage support. Similar in fact to the costs associated with pregnancy and delivery- without the healthcare insurance.
5. We are our children’s “real parents” and they have “real brothers and sisters” in their families. Our children have birthparents who gave them life. We have the joy of raising them and are their parents.
6. It is important not to belittle birthparents. We often have no idea as to why the painful decision was made to place a child for adoption. Even when a child is officially abandoned without record, as often happens in China, there are numerous factors- poverty, government policy, family and cultural pressure that led to the decision.
7. The vast majority of adoptions are wonderful experiences. The media, however, will report on the rare occasions when it does not work out well and an adoption is interrupted. Yes, these are sad and heartbreaking stories and trust me, we have already heard them. Just as a pregnant woman does not want to hear about labor and delivery horror stories, an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent does not want these to be repeated time and time again. We work with our adoption agency and or counselor to prepare for problems that we could face.
8. My child was not “chosen” for adoption because he or she is special. That terminology puts an unnecessary pressure on a child to stay special or perfect. It is actually, the parent(s) that is selected and must live up to certain criteria to be matched with a child. It is our responsibility to make it work.
9. My child is not permanently damaged because he or she was adopted or spent time in foster care or an orphanage. Yes, problems can occur and there are many programs and therapies available to offer solutions to parents and children. However, I don’t assume every behavioral issue or act of misbehavior is because my child is adopted. We are vigilant in getting our kids the help they need – just as parents of biological kids deal with their kids issues. Studies show that the vast majority of adopted kids adjust well and become successful in life.
10. As fellow parents, please speak up when you see an adoption myth being perpetuated in the media or in conversation. Help us spread the word about adoption and help your kids understand that our families are very normal- we just built them in a different way.
Thoughts from my children about adoption
7 year old’s perspective
• Coolest thing about being adopted- “meeting my mom and dad”
• Why did your mommy adopt you – “we matched’
• What do you think about your birthparents in China- “they still love me but could not take care of me.”
• What do your friends ask you about being adopted from China – “why don’t you speak Chinese?”
11 year old’s perspective
• Coolest thing about being adopted –“it is cool to have an interesting background”
• “Don’t like it when people look at us strange or stare because you are white and we are Asian, I think most people who stare do not know what adoption really is all about.”
• Do you ever think about your birthparents and a loss with them not in your life-
“No, because with a loss comes a gain, I am curious, but do not get sad about it.”
• “What matters most is the scenario or family you get adopted into “
• What is more challenging to deal with- being adopted or a being Asian – “being Chinese – it is more noticeable”
National Adoption Month
November is national adoption month, so I gathered some thoughts about adoption and asked my kids as well.
Ten Things to Know about Adoption- from an adoptive parent’s perspective
1. Adoption is a very personal decision that an individual or couple makes on how to build a family. Don’t automatically assume they have fertility issues or it is a “second-best choice.” It is a permanent, court approved loving decision and one way that parents and children come together. The choice to adopt domestically or internationally is based on many factors and we frequently just “know” our children are waiting for us.
2. Adoptive parents are not “saving” a child and/or looking for “gratitude” from our kids, particularly if the child has been adopted from a developing country. As any adoptive parent will tell you, we are the lucky ones to have these amazing kids in our lives. We will work hard to make sure that they have a full understanding and appreciation for their birth country and heritage.
3. If you are really interested in adoption, the costs and the process- most of us would be happy to discuss our experience or refer you to our adoption agency. We do not, however, want to have these conversations in front of our children. And we will probably not discuss our child’s or their birthparent’s personal history with you.
4. Yes, there are costs involved in adoption, but we do not buy our children. The costs are for attorney fees, travel, paperwork, medical care and orphanage support. Similar in fact to the costs associated with pregnancy and delivery- without the healthcare insurance.
5. We are our children’s “real parents” and they have “real brothers and sisters” in their families. Our children have birthparents who gave them life. We have the joy of raising them and are their parents.
6. It is important not to belittle birthparents. We often have no idea as to why the painful decision was made to place a child for adoption. Even when a child is officially abandoned without record, as often happens in China, there are numerous factors- poverty, government policy, family and cultural pressure that led to the decision.
7. The vast majority of adoptions are wonderful experiences. The media, however, will report on the rare occasions when it does not work out well and an adoption is interrupted. Yes, these are sad and heartbreaking stories and trust me, we have already heard them. Just as a pregnant woman does not want to hear about labor and delivery horror stories, an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent does not want these to be repeated time and time again. We work with our adoption agency and or counselor to prepare for problems that we could face.
8. My child was not “chosen” for adoption because he or she is special. That terminology puts an unnecessary pressure on a child to stay special or perfect. It is actually, the parent(s) that is selected and must live up to certain criteria to be matched with a child. It is our responsibility to make it work.
9. My child is not permanently damaged because he or she was adopted or spent time in foster care or an orphanage. Yes, problems can occur and there are many programs and therapies available to offer solutions to parents and children. However, I don’t assume every behavioral issue or act of misbehavior is because my child is adopted. We are vigilant in getting our kids the help they need – just as parents of biological kids deal with their kids issues. Studies show that the vast majority of adopted kids adjust well and become successful in life.
10. As fellow parents, please speak up when you see an adoption myth being perpetuated in the media or in conversation. Help us spread the word about adoption and help your kids understand that our families are very normal- we just built them in a different way.
Thoughts from my children about adoption
7 year old’s perspective
• Coolest thing about being adopted- “meeting my mom and dad”
• Why did your mommy adopt you – “we matched’
• What do you think about your birthparents in China- “they still love me but could not take care of me.”
• What do your friends ask you about being adopted from China – “why don’t you speak Chinese?”
11 year old’s perspective
• Coolest thing about being adopted –“it is cool to have an interesting background”
• “Don’t like it when people look at us strange or stare because you are white and we are Asian, I think most people who stare do not know what adoption really is all about.”
• Do you ever think about your birthparents and a loss with them not in your life-
“No, because with a loss comes a gain, I am curious, but do not get sad about it.”
• “What matters most is the scenario or family you get adopted into “
• What is more challenging to deal with- being adopted or a being Asian – “being Chinese – it is more noticeable”
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Circle of Friends
Maeve Binchy wrote a wonderful book a number of years ago called Circle of Friends. It was then made into an equally good movie starring Minnie Driver and Chris O'Donnell. Circle of friends- that phrase is stuck in my head today. I attended a reunion this weekend of the adoption travel group for my youngest daughter, Avery. We all traveled to China together 7 1/2 years ago to adopt the baby girls that became our precious daughters. Beyond being amazed at how these sweet girls have grown and blossomed, I was struck at how quickly they bonded and connected. We have not seen one another for many years and in one case- since the trip to China. But this group of 8 year-old girls were off playing, laughing, having "scream offs" and we had to drag them away from one another when it was time to go. I know that part of that is just being a kid- the "hey, let's play" mentality when you meet a new person that adults unfortunately forget and replace with judgement and wariness. But it was beyond that- they hugged and played as if they had known each other forever- which actually they have when you think about it.
The girls shared an orphanage and have common history, ethnicity and similiar stories. They actually have more in common than most of their classmates. I watched them in their "circle" and was reminded of the value of friendship. The parents are part of a circle as well, people who would probably never have met if it were not for this experience.
Think of the circles in our lives and how they change over the years, sometimes overlapping and sometimes fading over time. Common interests, shared experiences and stages of life all lead to the creation of our various circles of friends. Of course, there are the precious friends who you meet because of one experience and the connection is so strong that you stay in one another's lives forever. I have one friend who is living on other side of the world and I haven't seen her well over a year, but I still feel connected. We helped one another through some tough times and I will always treasure her friendship. I hope my daughters develop these friendships- some deep and lasting and some more circumstantial...they are all important.
You always here so much about the importance of family...and it is important. However, so are friendships. I think sometimes that we need to be reminded of the value of the people that we choose to add into our lives- our friends. These connections can bring us joy, support, laughter, compassion and fill our hearts much as family can many times.
Celebrate your circles of friends...or better yet- create a new one!
The girls shared an orphanage and have common history, ethnicity and similiar stories. They actually have more in common than most of their classmates. I watched them in their "circle" and was reminded of the value of friendship. The parents are part of a circle as well, people who would probably never have met if it were not for this experience.
Think of the circles in our lives and how they change over the years, sometimes overlapping and sometimes fading over time. Common interests, shared experiences and stages of life all lead to the creation of our various circles of friends. Of course, there are the precious friends who you meet because of one experience and the connection is so strong that you stay in one another's lives forever. I have one friend who is living on other side of the world and I haven't seen her well over a year, but I still feel connected. We helped one another through some tough times and I will always treasure her friendship. I hope my daughters develop these friendships- some deep and lasting and some more circumstantial...they are all important.
You always here so much about the importance of family...and it is important. However, so are friendships. I think sometimes that we need to be reminded of the value of the people that we choose to add into our lives- our friends. These connections can bring us joy, support, laughter, compassion and fill our hearts much as family can many times.
Celebrate your circles of friends...or better yet- create a new one!
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