Another celebrity breakup due to infidelity... Seems like it is almost not news anymore since it happens so often. When you add those reported in the media circus to the number of everyday folks like us who experience it in a relationship - it seems as though infidelity impacts society more than one can imagine.
As someone who experienced the pain and I use the following term with full knowledge of its power - hell- of living through it, I always feel for the people involved when I hear of another story of betrayal. When I discovered my ex-husband's affair, I experienced pain and sadness on a level that I never had felt before in my life. I am talking about curl up on the floor in a fetal position and sob level of pain. I never thought I would smile again, laugh again, feel joy again and never heal. But I did- in fact I more than healed, I blossomed.
With the help and support of amazing friends and family, years of healing, a few sessions with a great counselor and a wonderful online support group I came to terms with it all:
* the reality of my new normal
* the loss of the dream I had for my family and creating a new one
* that the pain that would fade over time
* the understanding that it was not my fault - he had his own issues
* the knowledge that my kids would be OK- being from a broken home is much better than living in one
* forgiveness ultimately equals freedom
* love is more powerful than anything else on earth
* renewed awareness of my own power and strength
* that I can make it through anything
* experiencing pain makes you a more compassionate person
* that I deserve a faithful man
Marriages and relationships break down for lots of reasons and both parties can play a role in that disintegration of the partnership. However, the decision to step outside of the marriage with an emotional or physical affair lies squarely on the shoulders of the person who decides to cheat. There are other options to deal with marital unhappiness that do not disrespect the spouse and cause as much pain as that of betrayal. A few examples- verbalize unhappiness, try to make it work, marriage counseling or leave the relationship- certainly before beginning a new one.
As one of my friends puts it "cheating is a cowardly act- grow some balls or guts (women cheat too) and have enough respect for yourself, the memory of the relationship you once had, the vows you took and the person you had it with to leave it before you jump in bed with someone else." Seems pretty straightforward to me. It is also unfair to make the decision to have an affair to deal with unhappiness when your spouse is in the dark about your actions- they have a right to know that changes in the marriage have occurred and that vows and promises are being broken.
For me, the betrayal was far more painful than the divorce itself. I certainly learned that many who are having an affair are in a state of denial and fantasy that is often termed the "affair fog." Unfortunately, spouses are not in the same fog and pain caused is unreal in its intensity. Some couples make a marriage and relationship work after betrayal- if the cheating spouse takes responsibility for their actions and the couple commits to dealing with through their issues, often with a qualified counselor. Sometimes the result is divorce. In either scenario, I believe that the healing for the betrayed spouse begins when they take back control of their life and they make the decision to move forward in the direction that is right for them.
The good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it through this and can come out stronger, more compassionate, with better clarity on your expectations and with a new perspective on what makes a relationship work. My divorce happened over five years ago and I am happier and more whole than I ever have been in my life. Through the experience, I learned more about love, forgiveness and re-birth than you can imagine. Yes, my heart was broken all those years ago, but it was also broken open and I am more free to love.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
Bittersweet memories and agreements
December 11 - this has been a strange day for me. Ten years ago today I married my now ex-husband. Yes, this would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. However, almost 5 years ago at the end of January, 2005, my world felt like it was falling apart. I learned of my husband's infidelity and 9 month affair and by the summer of 2005, our marriage was officially and legally over. All of these years later, after the tears, prayer, meditation, counseling and ultimately forgiveness - of him and of myself, I find myself thinking about what this now long ended union brought into my life. I felt no anger or bitterness today...just a twinge of sadness of what might have been, not neccesarily with him, but with a man who really would have loved and cherished me as the vows ask one to do.
Top on the list of what I gained from my marriage is Dani - the amazing, beautiful young woman who became my stepdaughter and now is a 21 year old college junior. So hard to imagine that I met her when she was in the 5th grade which is the same age as my Lily. Ten plus years of having Dani in my life is well worth the pain of my marriage and divorce. She will always be my stepdaughter and in my heart.
I also learned so much about myself during that short lived marriage, through surviving betrayal and then divorce. I learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, that time really does heal, that I can bite my tongue almost all the way off to stop myself from saying something that will hurt my kids and that forgiveness and healing from the worst pain imaginable is actually possible.
A dear friend of mine is reading the Four Agreements - a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read it a number of years ago while going through my divorce and his mention of it brought back its meaning to me.
The book is a fascinating way to look at life and find happiness based on the Toltec teachings. The agreements help you break other false agreements that you have made with yourself and with others that cause pain and needless suffering. They remind me of some of the messages of detachment that you find in Buddhist philosophy.
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
The agreements sound like basic common sense but are harder to live by than they might seem. Agreement number two in particular seems to apply to what this day signifies to me. Realizing that nothing that my ex-husband said, did or didn't do really had anything to do with me. It was all of his "stuff", his problems, his issues and lessons. I had my own lessons and stuff to deal with but learning not to take his actions and words personally was HARD but neccessary for my healing and ability to make it through the pain I was feeling at that time.
Funny how things can come full circle. The Four Agreements is really a book about living authentically- my biggest goal in my desire to reinvent my life.
Time to pull it off the bookshelf!
Top on the list of what I gained from my marriage is Dani - the amazing, beautiful young woman who became my stepdaughter and now is a 21 year old college junior. So hard to imagine that I met her when she was in the 5th grade which is the same age as my Lily. Ten plus years of having Dani in my life is well worth the pain of my marriage and divorce. She will always be my stepdaughter and in my heart.
I also learned so much about myself during that short lived marriage, through surviving betrayal and then divorce. I learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, that time really does heal, that I can bite my tongue almost all the way off to stop myself from saying something that will hurt my kids and that forgiveness and healing from the worst pain imaginable is actually possible.
A dear friend of mine is reading the Four Agreements - a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read it a number of years ago while going through my divorce and his mention of it brought back its meaning to me.
The book is a fascinating way to look at life and find happiness based on the Toltec teachings. The agreements help you break other false agreements that you have made with yourself and with others that cause pain and needless suffering. They remind me of some of the messages of detachment that you find in Buddhist philosophy.
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
The agreements sound like basic common sense but are harder to live by than they might seem. Agreement number two in particular seems to apply to what this day signifies to me. Realizing that nothing that my ex-husband said, did or didn't do really had anything to do with me. It was all of his "stuff", his problems, his issues and lessons. I had my own lessons and stuff to deal with but learning not to take his actions and words personally was HARD but neccessary for my healing and ability to make it through the pain I was feeling at that time.
Funny how things can come full circle. The Four Agreements is really a book about living authentically- my biggest goal in my desire to reinvent my life.
Time to pull it off the bookshelf!
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