Karma...

Karma, what an interesting topic! It is not just the doctrine of eastern religions but a universal law - you reap what you sow, like attracts like, you give what you get, every action has a reaction. Some folks even believe that what returns to your life is actually three times what you dish out. So if you treat people poorly, cheat, or are deliberately unkind, you will get back consequences threefold. On a positive note, if you strive to be kind, reach out to others to help and act with integrity, the natural and divine law says the same will return to you in kind.

So what does this have to do with my reinvention journey? I made a conscious decision a number of years ago to better educate myself about the laws of karma and this has impacted how I deal with situations in my life. I strive to be as kind and generous as possible with my time, attention, love and material resources. Do I always meet that goal, heck no- but it is a goal and I work toward it.

The wonderful as well as frustrating thing about this concept is that laws like this have their own timeframe (not our emotionally driven schedule) and are universal. So you do not have to try and "make it happen." If someone does something awful to you, taking revenge is not the answer. Perhaps that is one reason that forgiveness is so important. The person will receive their due, it just may not come from you and you may not be there to see it. This is of course, much easier to say than to do.

There has been one time in my life in particular when I was so hurt that I really, really, really, really wanted to respond in kind and take revenge. I am not talking about self-defense- in my opinion, we have the right to do that. I mean revenge - to find a way to hurt the person who so hurt you. I restrained myself from going there and had a good friend who reminded me that "hurt people, hurt people." I am so glad that I remembered the lesson of karma during that time of pain. Now, many years later I have a broader perspective and have been able to retain relationships that would have been damaged with revenge. I was able to get through the experience with dignity and grace and I have some blessings in my life because of it. And when karma finally did catch up with the person involved, I didn't take any pleasure from it, it just made me sad.

Nobody goes through life jolly, happy and wearing rose colored glasses all the time. And sometimes it is hard to envision how all of this works when bad things happen to good people. But we are not privy to their lessons or their agreements with God or other people. I have to be honest and admit that I still struggle with the karmic meaning behind situations when children are hurt.

The whole idea of karma is on my mind this week because I have seen such wonderful things happen to two dear friends of mine. Friends who have endured some tough times and stayed loving, honest, kind and compassionate through their challenges. I can rejoice with them.

I have realized as well, that this universal law of action, sowing and reaping is sometimes hard to recognize because it doesn't always show up as we expect- we are not provided a balance sheet that says you do X and you get Y. Here is an example, I was talking to my daughters a few years ago about the importance of helping other people out when they need it. I have had the good fortune of being able to open my home as a place to stay on occasion when family and friends have needed a fresh start. My daughter said, "mom you must like helping people and maybe we (she and her sister) are your karma reward for helping them." Um, I think she could be more than a little correct. I tell that story NOT to pat myself on the back by any means but to demonstrate the intricate nature of all of this.

So when it gets tough and people around you seem to be getting ahead or gaining at your expense or the cost of another, remember there is much more here than meets the eye and as long as we stay focused on ourselves and our actions, the law of karma will take care of the rest.

Hearts don't break..they break open

Another celebrity breakup due to infidelity... Seems like it is almost not news anymore since it happens so often. When you add those reported in the media circus to the number of everyday folks like us who experience it in a relationship - it seems as though infidelity impacts society more than one can imagine.

As someone who experienced the pain and I use the following term with full knowledge of its power - hell- of living through it, I always feel for the people involved when I hear of another story of betrayal. When I discovered my ex-husband's affair, I experienced pain and sadness on a level that I never had felt before in my life. I am talking about curl up on the floor in a fetal position and sob level of pain. I never thought I would smile again, laugh again, feel joy again and never heal. But I did- in fact I more than healed, I blossomed.

With the help and support of amazing friends and family, years of healing, a few sessions with a great counselor and a wonderful online support group I came to terms with it all:

* the reality of my new normal
* the loss of the dream I had for my family and creating a new one
* that the pain that would fade over time
* the understanding that it was not my fault - he had his own issues
* the knowledge that my kids would be OK- being from a broken home is much better than living in one
* forgiveness ultimately equals freedom
* love is more powerful than anything else on earth
* renewed awareness of my own power and strength
* that I can make it through anything
* experiencing pain makes you a more compassionate person
* that I deserve a faithful man

Marriages and relationships break down for lots of reasons and both parties can play a role in that disintegration of the partnership. However, the decision to step outside of the marriage with an emotional or physical affair lies squarely on the shoulders of the person who decides to cheat. There are other options to deal with marital unhappiness that do not disrespect the spouse and cause as much pain as that of betrayal. A few examples- verbalize unhappiness, try to make it work, marriage counseling or leave the relationship- certainly before beginning a new one.

As one of my friends puts it "cheating is a cowardly act- grow some balls or guts (women cheat too) and have enough respect for yourself, the memory of the relationship you once had, the vows you took and the person you had it with to leave it before you jump in bed with someone else." Seems pretty straightforward to me. It is also unfair to make the decision to have an affair to deal with unhappiness when your spouse is in the dark about your actions- they have a right to know that changes in the marriage have occurred and that vows and promises are being broken.

For me, the betrayal was far more painful than the divorce itself. I certainly learned that many who are having an affair are in a state of denial and fantasy that is often termed the "affair fog." Unfortunately, spouses are not in the same fog and pain caused is unreal in its intensity. Some couples make a marriage and relationship work after betrayal- if the cheating spouse takes responsibility for their actions and the couple commits to dealing with through their issues, often with a qualified counselor. Sometimes the result is divorce. In either scenario, I believe that the healing for the betrayed spouse begins when they take back control of their life and they make the decision to move forward in the direction that is right for them.

The good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it through this and can come out stronger, more compassionate, with better clarity on your expectations and with a new perspective on what makes a relationship work. My divorce happened over five years ago and I am happier and more whole than I ever have been in my life. Through the experience, I learned more about love, forgiveness and re-birth than you can imagine. Yes, my heart was broken all those years ago, but it was also broken open and I am more free to love.