Parenthood!

Ah parenthood! The stuff of stories, songs, legend and one of the funniest movies ever made starring Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen. I see myself and my friends struggle, laugh, cry, become filled alternately wtih joy and concern and ultimatly triumph at this most holy of jobs - being a Mom or Dad. It is truly the most amazing and wonderful aspect of my life. I can't imagine my life without motherhood.

We all do it differently. Our relationships with our kids are unique because we are unique and so are they. Even children raised by the same parents have a different experience than their siblings. They have different memories, perspectives, scars and connections. Birth order, personality and varying parenting styles and circumstances create a unique experience for each member of the family. I have seen one sibling not understand why another holds certain hurts or grudges against a parent- they had a different relationship and needed different levels of nurturing, affection and/or discipline than another did. One size does not fit all.

I have come to realize that being a good parent does not mean that everything has to be "equal or fair." The trick is to do your best to meet the needs of your kids as individuals. Heaven knows I am far from mastering this balance, but I am trying. I do believe that all kids do need love and acceptance for their unique natures. How mamy times have you seen parents trying to put kids in a mold or have a plan for them that mirrors their own dreams or the successes of an older sibling. I have seen other amazing parents who have seemed to master this mystery of parenting idividually.

The parenthood experience gives you a new appreciation for your own mother and father. Whether married, divorced or single, gentle or tough, strong or addicted and troubled- our parents did the best that they could with what they had. As Maya Angelou says "when you know better, you do better." Sure, there are selfish, unskilled and unloving parents out there - check out the awful court trials in the news. Usually these folks are in extreme pain themselves. And not every person should or was meant to parent. But for every troubled parent, there is someone longing to become a mother or a father.

And yes, our parents made mistakes. We are also making them with our children. At some point, you realize that our parents were people too, not superhumans, and that their mistakes or parenting errors were not deliberate attempts to screw us up. They were simply learning how to raise a child and following the models and patterns of their parents and the times in which they lived. That discovery of our own parents' vulnerability helps make out own journey easier. And the knowledge that you can parent your own way, in the style that works for you and your children is liberating. It is the essence of "when you know better, you do better."

All parents out there - pat yourselves on the back and be not afraid!! And remember, some day your kids might be on this miraculous path themselves and ask you for some parenting advice!

Borrowing my children from the future

What a gorgeous morning for the first day of Spring! The wind is brisk and fresh with a hint of the warmth and heat that is coming for the day. There is nothing so refreshing to me than a full breeze. The sky is cloudy yet not menacing, as if to say while it may shower, it will not storm today. It is the kind of day that does what the first day of spring is supposed to do- bring you feelings of hope for the future and gratitude for what you have in your life.

Perhaps it is the beauty of this day or maybe the tragedies happening in Japan and Libya but it is certainly a time of gratitude for me. Of course, gratitude for me always means looking to my daughters and their appearance and place in my life. I marvel, as usual, at how I could have gotten so lucky. Two baby girls living in different orphanages thousands of miles away in China each needing a mommy, a family. Me, back in the US wanting to become a mother...searching for her daughter(s.) And we all come together. Seems like something pretty miraculous to look on with gratitude.

Now as they grow, I marvel even more. It is pretty amazing to watch your little girls become young women. My oldest seems to be maturing at warp speed, I often shake my head and think, hold on now, I want to freeze time for a bit, don't grow up so fast. It seems as though they are little girls one minute and then all of a sudden, within a year or a few months they are no longer so young. I realize that I am lucky to be a small part of that transformation.

I am reminded of an old quote about how your children don't really "belong" to you you- they belong to themselves, you just borrow them for a little while... you host them for the future. I realize that in what will seem like a blink of an eye, they will be grown, off to college and their own lives. Yikes - that is going to bring a kind of bittersweet sorrow to me that I can only just imagine at this point. I will need to remember in those moments that I just borrowed them for a while.

As I am sure, all my fellow parents will attest, that bittersweet sorrow is all worth it. The joy, gladness in my heart, laughter and fullness that being a mom brings is worth any sadness, frustration and eyerolls/sighing that a pre-teen can dish out. It is easier when you realize that in growing up, they are going to begin distancing from you, separating into themselves- and that means that you have done your job.

For today, however, I am going to revel in being a mommy. I am going to remind them just how much I love them. I am going to pretend they are mine for today..let tomorrow get here when it comes.

What are you grateful for today?

Pure transforming love

I have watched in amazement as my girls settled into 2nd and 6th grade over the last few weeks. They are both doing incredibly well and I can't help but marvel at the transformation over the last few years in my youngest child.

When we brought Avery home from China 6 1/2 years ago she was an underweight, sick, incredibly shy, sad little one year old girl. My daughter cried for almost the entire two weeks we were in China -as anyone in my travel group will attest! As the days went by in China, she decided she would not cry when I held her or when she slept. The poor child had an ear infection, sore throat, intestinal parasites, and had been handed off to perfect strangers. Once we got some antibiotics into her system - she began to heal. I was incredibly blessed that she really just had typical childhood illnesses- very treatable, just easily spread in a crowded orphanage.

It was quite an interesting dynamic because adopting Lily was a completely different experience- when handed to me, she promptly peed on me, laughed at that, cried for about 10 minutes and then was content. Avery tells me now that she cried so much as a payback to me for taking so long to come to China and get her!

In addition to my girls having completely different personalities and temperments, their orphanage experiences varied dramatically. Lily was in a more rural setting- the only photos we saw of the orphanage were from a distance and it looked rather run down. Even though she may have missed material comforts; I could tell that Lily was loved and cared for while she was an infant. She was a chubby little baby and her caretaker nanny cried when she handed her over to me. Avery was in a crowded urban orphanage and I do not believe she had the one on one love and attention that Lily received.

So that became my purpose - love, love, love her, shower her with affection and stimulation and give her the attention, help (speech therapy has been remarkable) and care she needed. Over time and with lots of love, this child has blossomed, grown and transformed into an incredible little girl. She is affectionate, caring and loving. This is my child who covers me with hugs and kisses and tells me she loves me every day. She has grown confident, no longer clings to me and loves school. She has gone from being painfully shy to a child who makes friends easily and cares deeply for people, animals and all living things.. she is truly a remarkable soul. I can only imagine the good she will do in the world. Those who will have her in their lives will be lucky.

I certainly have been lucky to have her in mine. Both of my girls have given me more love than you can imagine. I am so blessed to have been the recipient of their pure, transforming love. They have changed me in more ways than I can list. In loving them, I have been transformed as well. I wish all the folks out there who are considering adoption would put aside their fears and realize what joy they are missing. There are always risks and challenges when deciding to become a parent through adoption or through biology. The love and joy far outweighs all else. If you feel there is a child waiting for you...go for it. The love will transform both of you.