For My Daughters

Happy Mother's Day to all.   I spent this day with my extraordinary daughters and just watching them makes me want to tell them so much! 

For my daughters:

• Remember that no matter what happens in life, no matter how hard it may get- you are fully and completely loved.

• Never doubt for one minute that you were wanted and longed for.  Being adopted never makes you second choice or second best.

• We were meant to be together as a family, our spiritual/soul connection is deeper than biology.  Lily- on my 35th birthday I was single, ready to be a mom and confident you were waiting for me in China.  I registered that day with the adoption agency and began my quest to find you.  Avery, I was married when you came into my life.  I am so grateful to God for not giving me biological children at that point, I cannot imagine not having you as my daughter.  I never knew that I even had fertility issues until I had adopted Lily, gotten married and tried to get pregnant.  But I wouldn't change a thing about how it turned out.

• Be good to one another, love one another, forgive one another and be the sister that you want to have in your life.  Having a sister for a best friend is a blessing beyond compare.

• You are so much more than you even realize- you have strengths, talents and more gifts than you can imagine.  Lily- your strength and tough exterior belies a tender heart of gold and sweetness.  Avery- your sensitivity and tenderness cover up a core of steel- you are stronger and more resilient than you know.

• Forgive, forgive, forgive others even when they haven't asked you to do so.  But most of all, forgive yourself.  You are going to make mistakes and to screw up sometimes, that is OK,  Just don't beat yourself up over it. 

• Find and keep a circle of girlfriends- they will celebrate with you, share your pain and are more important to have in your life than you can possibly imagine.

• To quote the amazing Dr.Maya Angelou- " When someone shows you who they are believe then the first time."  Don't believe what someone says to you (especially a romantic interest) - believe what they do and how they show you who they are.

• Find a spiritual path and practice to strengthen your link to the Divine.

• I am going to screw up as a mother sometimes.  I do my best but this can be a hard job.  Please forgive me when I make a mistake.

• Be grateful for everything in you have in this crazy life.  Gratitude is the most profound form of prayer.

• Your sexuality belongs to you and is a gift.  Don't give it away carelessly, bargain with it or use it to get ahead.  It is for you and your beloved alone.

• You are beautiful just as you are.

• Life is shorter than you can imagine and the older you get, time flies even faster- treasure every minute and make it matter. 

• Happiness can be fleeting with life's ups and downs- search instead for joy.  Moments of  joy can be found every single day- sometimes it is a simple moment and sometimes it is a grand gesture.  Joy is all around us.

• A man should never, ever hit you- period, end of story.

• I love you beyond measure- you will learn what that really means when you become a mom.

• I carry you in my heart- I always have- across time, geography and lifetimes- and I always will.

Parenthood!

Ah parenthood! The stuff of stories, songs, legend and one of the funniest movies ever made starring Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen. I see myself and my friends struggle, laugh, cry, become filled alternately wtih joy and concern and ultimatly triumph at this most holy of jobs - being a Mom or Dad. It is truly the most amazing and wonderful aspect of my life. I can't imagine my life without motherhood.

We all do it differently. Our relationships with our kids are unique because we are unique and so are they. Even children raised by the same parents have a different experience than their siblings. They have different memories, perspectives, scars and connections. Birth order, personality and varying parenting styles and circumstances create a unique experience for each member of the family. I have seen one sibling not understand why another holds certain hurts or grudges against a parent- they had a different relationship and needed different levels of nurturing, affection and/or discipline than another did. One size does not fit all.

I have come to realize that being a good parent does not mean that everything has to be "equal or fair." The trick is to do your best to meet the needs of your kids as individuals. Heaven knows I am far from mastering this balance, but I am trying. I do believe that all kids do need love and acceptance for their unique natures. How mamy times have you seen parents trying to put kids in a mold or have a plan for them that mirrors their own dreams or the successes of an older sibling. I have seen other amazing parents who have seemed to master this mystery of parenting idividually.

The parenthood experience gives you a new appreciation for your own mother and father. Whether married, divorced or single, gentle or tough, strong or addicted and troubled- our parents did the best that they could with what they had. As Maya Angelou says "when you know better, you do better." Sure, there are selfish, unskilled and unloving parents out there - check out the awful court trials in the news. Usually these folks are in extreme pain themselves. And not every person should or was meant to parent. But for every troubled parent, there is someone longing to become a mother or a father.

And yes, our parents made mistakes. We are also making them with our children. At some point, you realize that our parents were people too, not superhumans, and that their mistakes or parenting errors were not deliberate attempts to screw us up. They were simply learning how to raise a child and following the models and patterns of their parents and the times in which they lived. That discovery of our own parents' vulnerability helps make out own journey easier. And the knowledge that you can parent your own way, in the style that works for you and your children is liberating. It is the essence of "when you know better, you do better."

All parents out there - pat yourselves on the back and be not afraid!! And remember, some day your kids might be on this miraculous path themselves and ask you for some parenting advice!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of my friends, family and readers of this blog whom I have never met! This is a day to celebrate all the moms who carry life, give birth, adopt a child, step-parent, foster parent and mentor. A salute to those who love a child, guide a child and share their very heart and soul.

Becoming a mother is such a profound, life changing experience that it is almost impossible to describe to someone who has not heard the words.."MOM- where is my backpack?, MOM, can we go shopping.., "Mommy, I love you." My daughters fill my heart with such joy and light that I can't really even remember, or maybe I don't want to remember life without them. I remain convinced that we have been together in previous lives. Yes, I believe in reincarnation and this dance of life that we experience together is one of a number of times we have laughed, loved and learned as a family. We are connected on levels that are far deeper than biology or environment- our very souls are linked.

While the journey to become a mother to my daughters feels magical, an act of destiny and full of love, I am reminded on days like today that there is sadness beneath the joy. There are two women in China who weren't able to keep and raise their baby daughters. They took their infants to public places, wrapped them in blankets and left them for authorities to find. Those sweet babies where taken to orphanges and then made their way into my arms as my own daughters through adoption. I have no judgement here- the pressure on women to give birth to sons, the one couple/one child policy in China, poverty and a patriarchal society is an intense combination. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow that the birthmothers felt and probably still do. Their loss became my joy.

My heart breaks for these women- my daughters' birthmothers. I wish we knew them. I have to believe that somehow they know that those babies are now beautiful girls who are beloved and treasured. I take some spiritual comfort in the fact that I believe that I am connected to these women as well. This tangle of emotions and connection that wrapped our lives together was deliberate and meant to provide us all with lessons and purpose.

So on this special day, I celebrate all the wonderful moms across the world. Mothers are powerful in ways that can truly change history. The love we feel for our children spans generations, distance, race, boundaries and lifetimes.

Gratitude List

It is the time of year when we look around and count our blessings. We are thankful for our gifts, abundance and friends. Funny how even the tough stuff we have gone through can seem like a blessing in hindsight- because we learn and grow through those experiences often more than we do through the good ones. I am grateful for so many things, here is a partial list..

1. My children- no surprise here. These amazing, delightful, strong girls who delight and challenge me and have caused me to stretch the imaginary boundaries of love. I have become a better person simply because I have been given the honor of being their mother.

2. My family and friends.. My wonderful sister with whom I have shared good times and bad and my brothers and parents... They helped give me a strong foundation for life. Even when relationships have been strained, there is always room for growth. It is interesting to grow up and become a parent yourself - you have a new realization that your parents did the best that they could with what they knew and with what they had. I am surrounded by some of the best people one could hope to have in their life. Friends who love, play, rejoice, support and cry with me. Friends who have helped me celebrate and who have lifted me out of despair.

3. My health. Since I work for a health organization, I am all too familiar with how challenging life can be when you become ill; when all you pray for is the chance to beat a disease and live. For instance, if you have ever had a health scare, you have had just a taste of the feeling that a cancer patient has- the fear, denial and fervent praying and hope that it is not to be true. When you are told that all is clear, relief washes over you and for a moment or two life stays in perspective. So when I wake up and can breathe, walk, see, hear, think, talk taste, smell... I need to remind myself that no matter what happens that day - don't whine, be thankful.

4. My home. I am blessed to have a beautiful home and live in a neighborhood filled with caring people. My house needs work certainly, but it is ours (and the mortgage lenders)- the girls and I have created a home, a place of refuge from the outside world that is warm, loving and happy even with leaky sinks and unfinished carpentry work. I simply love my kitchen. When you put it all in perspective, there is always going to be something to repair or improve but as my youngest put it.. "We are lucky to have a house, we could be like the people in Haiti who don't have a place to live." Enough said.

5. Books, books, books - and all the glorious combinations of the written word. I can escape for hours into a book. I always marvel at the talent of the writers whom I admire. Not only do they have the talent and vision - but also the guts, energy and drive to actually put it on paper and make it happen.

6. Opportunity. The ability to move forward, explore new options and grow my career and work life in different directions. It wasn't so many years ago that, as a woman, my choices in how I might choose to make a living and express myself were quite limited. I am thankful for the women who bravely went before me and opened doors, cracked glass ceilings and explained over and over again that having a vagina did not mean that you were any less intelligent, capable, creative or strong.

7. My faith and spirituality. I believe in God, a divine path, the spiritual connection of all souls and that coincidences are not accidents but little miracles. Faith is to me - a quiet knowing that I am protected and no matter what...things will be OK.

8. Differences. The wonderful differences in this sea of humanity around us- racial, ethnic, cultural, religious, age, sexual orientation, opinion, viewpoint and so on. Wouldn't life be impossibly boring without the variety and spice that these differences provide in life? I find people fascinating; especially those who are not like me. Isn't it interesting that all of these distinctive lives share the planet and are on their own unique journeys along side of our own?

9. The strength of my femininity. Yes, women are strong, powerful and feminine. It is a different kind of strength than that of a man but no less intense or glorious. It allows me to lead a meeting, guide staff and then go home and kiss the fevered brow of my child and nurture my family without missing a beat.

10. Men - Not necessarily from Mars but those wonderful beings who look at the world through such different eyes. Once again - thank heavens that they do. I love to get a man's perspective on the issues in my life and find that there is often a directness of focus with a man's opinion that helps me gain new clarity. Not to mention that it is quite lovely, as a woman, to be fully appreciated by a man. I don't always understand men and can get exasperated at times, but enjoy the process of trying to figure them out

11. Laughter - the bubbling up of joy as it spills out of you. I treasure a good laugh and would like to add a few more to my life these days.

12. Love. Love in all of its varieties - familial, romantic, platonic, any version is powerful. It is the ultimate softener of life.

Sisters....

Today I read the final version of something that brought tears to my eyes and left me feeling happiness, pride and peace. Lily had the assignment of doing a creative writing exercise about one of the most important people in her life. It could be a story or a poem, including song lyrics, and needed to describe why the selected person was so influential in her life. No, my child did not select her mother,,, she wanted "someone cooler, sorry mom."

Lily wrote about her big sister, D, -my remarkable step-daughter who is now a senior in college. Even though her father and I divorced over 5 years ago, I still love her as my own and consider D my step-daughter. She and Lily and Avery are incredibly close.

The story was beautifully written and conveyed emotions that my usually un-sentimental eleven year old daughter does not normally express in words. I would include the essay, but it is not mine to share, it belongs to Lily and her sister. They are her words, her feelings and not mine to give to others. I reminded Lily that the feelings that she expressed so originally and completely are deeply felt and shared by someone else in her life. They are quite similar to the feelings that her little sister, Avery, has for Lily.

I was reminded again today of the real meaning of family. It is so much more than the connection between parent and child. The connection of my girls with one another and between them and their big sister is deep, soulful and is not about me. We share love, of course, but it it absolutely fills my heart to the brim to see them together and to read about their love for one another.

The sense of peace that this brings to me as parent can not be fully described. They will have one another and can be there for one another long after I am gone. It is amazing to know that they will be in each other's lives when mine is complete. That may sound morbid, but it is a very real truth that gives me joy. They will treasure, value and lift one another up through good times and bad... just have my sister and I have in our lives.

Hooray for family- brothers and sisters, step-families, cousins, friends who are family.... The love will get us through anything.

Pure transforming love

I have watched in amazement as my girls settled into 2nd and 6th grade over the last few weeks. They are both doing incredibly well and I can't help but marvel at the transformation over the last few years in my youngest child.

When we brought Avery home from China 6 1/2 years ago she was an underweight, sick, incredibly shy, sad little one year old girl. My daughter cried for almost the entire two weeks we were in China -as anyone in my travel group will attest! As the days went by in China, she decided she would not cry when I held her or when she slept. The poor child had an ear infection, sore throat, intestinal parasites, and had been handed off to perfect strangers. Once we got some antibiotics into her system - she began to heal. I was incredibly blessed that she really just had typical childhood illnesses- very treatable, just easily spread in a crowded orphanage.

It was quite an interesting dynamic because adopting Lily was a completely different experience- when handed to me, she promptly peed on me, laughed at that, cried for about 10 minutes and then was content. Avery tells me now that she cried so much as a payback to me for taking so long to come to China and get her!

In addition to my girls having completely different personalities and temperments, their orphanage experiences varied dramatically. Lily was in a more rural setting- the only photos we saw of the orphanage were from a distance and it looked rather run down. Even though she may have missed material comforts; I could tell that Lily was loved and cared for while she was an infant. She was a chubby little baby and her caretaker nanny cried when she handed her over to me. Avery was in a crowded urban orphanage and I do not believe she had the one on one love and attention that Lily received.

So that became my purpose - love, love, love her, shower her with affection and stimulation and give her the attention, help (speech therapy has been remarkable) and care she needed. Over time and with lots of love, this child has blossomed, grown and transformed into an incredible little girl. She is affectionate, caring and loving. This is my child who covers me with hugs and kisses and tells me she loves me every day. She has grown confident, no longer clings to me and loves school. She has gone from being painfully shy to a child who makes friends easily and cares deeply for people, animals and all living things.. she is truly a remarkable soul. I can only imagine the good she will do in the world. Those who will have her in their lives will be lucky.

I certainly have been lucky to have her in mine. Both of my girls have given me more love than you can imagine. I am so blessed to have been the recipient of their pure, transforming love. They have changed me in more ways than I can list. In loving them, I have been transformed as well. I wish all the folks out there who are considering adoption would put aside their fears and realize what joy they are missing. There are always risks and challenges when deciding to become a parent through adoption or through biology. The love and joy far outweighs all else. If you feel there is a child waiting for you...go for it. The love will transform both of you.

Mother's Day = reminder of faith

It has quite a while since I have blogged; life and a certain amount of writer's block have been in the way. I am inspired by this special day - when I get to rejoice in being a mommy and the connection that my daughters and I share with one another.

Some days when I get caught up in the business and busy-ness of life, the miracle of our story is not top of mind. I don't think about our journey, how I felt and knew these children were waiting for me across the ocean, how "right" and destined it felt and most of all...how everything lined up to make it happen. All of the coincidences, lost paperwork, delays in my adoption processes led me to my sweet girls. I believe that when you follow your heart and instincts you are on the right path and God and the universe line up behind you. I have never once questioned my decisions to adopt my daughters. No matter the challenges I have faced- single motherhood, divorce, financial constraints - nothing has ever felt more right and natural than being their mother. In fact, I would adopt again in a heartbeat.

Some days I have a tougher time connecting this fact to other areas of my life where frustration and disappointment crop up especially in my career or romance. After a particularly rough week, I realize that making these connections are going to be critical for me to do. Why do I feel as though some days I cannot seem to do enough, that I am off track? Am I missing something? Am I doing what I am called to do? Why do I seem to have trouble attracting the right man into my life? Why do I hang onto relationships that are not meeting my needs? Perhaps it is because I do not like what my instincts are telling me.

My fiend has an amazing website called FemCentral.. http://www.jenniferlshelton.com which is a virtual institute for women. She has a link to work by a wondeful woman named Barbara Sher- author of the classic book "Wishcraft, How to Get What You Really Want." Her new work is about finding direction and purpose in the second half of life. Her key advice is simple but brilliant " What you love is what you are gifted at. there is no other way to know who you are." Everyone has a unique vision and gift - tapping into that is the answer to finding your path. That advice resonates with me, because when you do what you love, tap into those talents and gifts - it feels natural, on track and right. Just like it did when I became a mother.

In terms of love and relationships..I have to believe that the same rules apply. When it feels right, natural and dare I say it - smooth for both of us, then perhaps we will have found one another. Certainly there are differences of opinion, challenges and times of tension in any relationship. But if at the core, you know that this is the person for you- then you are able to work through those situations. How do you know if he is that person? For me it is through what my instincts and heart (and his actions of course) are telling me. My challenges have come when I ignore those instincts. All I really need to do is follow my heart and let thoughts drift to my children. I will be reminded that if my heart and mind remain open- what is meant to be will happen.

Happy Mother's Day to all.

Love

I had a rather low key, lovely weekend and a chance for some wonderful time with my girls. Had the time also to some thinking about what I have, what I want and my future. Spending time with my daughters is often the best therapy I can find for a rough week.

Here is an example.. Lily was gone for a birthday party for part of the weekend so Avery and I got to be alone together. She is practicing her writing so we were sitting together watching a movie and she handed me a notebook in which she had written the following:

"I love you Mom, I do love you, I am happy that we ary togeder..do you love me?" We went back and forth, writing comments in this Dr. Seuess style rhyme. Couldn't help but wonder, once again, how these amazing girls came into my life as my daughters. I won't rehash again the miracle that it is to me, but maybe it all comes down to one thing..love. I can't imagine my life without them and the love that we share. Do you ever hug your children, or your parent, or spouse or partner and become overwhelmed with how deep the emotion can feel?

Love is something I certainly need in my life and something that I am looking to add with a special man. I realize that the love for him will be different than the bond that I share with my children. Lets face it, all types of love are a little different as is their impact on your life. To me however, love and its variations are more alike than different. They are rooted in connections- spritual, emotional, mental, physical; caring; faith; vulnerability and the ability to give as well as receive. I know for a fact that my ability to love others and love them well has increased from my experience as a mother. Even my marriage and divorce set the stage for a deeper relationship to come. I read once that your heart is not "broken when you go through pain..but broken open."

So I celebrate the love my daughters and I share and know that the other love I seek will indeed enter my life...I have a lot of it to give...and am ready to receive.