Laughter = stress release

Stress release!! Lets count the ways - exercise, meditation, bubble bath, good book, and some wonderful other activities that we single gals don't get to experience often enough. Baking and cooking - yeah..that is what I meant LOL. Actually, I love to cook and especially to bake. I enjoy the creative and incredibly relaxing zone that I enter when I bake. Maybe there is something zen in the repetitive nature of mixing ingredients and dropping cookie dough on as tray..maybe it is because if I do say so myself, I good at it. OK -I know there was a whole successful blog about this - Julie and Julia..made into a book and movie...so I won't go there!

I realized tonight, however, that that one of the most soothing, fun, blood pressure reducing acts on the earth is free, fairly easy to do and simple - laughing. My girls can be silly little chicks and we laugh alot in this house. After a good laugh at one of Avery's antics, I realized that it was the most stress free and relaxed I had felt all day. And it was a rather stressful day. I love to laugh, enjoy a great joke and strive to find humor in everyday life. Going to the movies this weekend and I think a comedy is in order.

One of my goals in reinventing my life is to live with joy. Joy = passion, purpose and laughter! Time for a little more fun, joy and laughter..And maybe a batch of chocolate chip cookies for good measure.

Thanks Marianne and why not??

Today was such a gorgeous day that I had to get outside instead of writing! So the theme to this blog post is one of my absolute favorite quotes of all time from Marianne Williamson.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

I find this message so powerful and necessary on those days when doubts creep in and the little voice inside (OK not actual voices LOL) isn't very encouraging- especially about those things in my life that I am wishing for that haven't quite shown up yet. I love the part in this quote about childen who shine. Think about kids before society, school, friends even we well meaning parents tell them that they can't do some something or that they are not as fabulous as they believe.

So here is to the brilliant Marianne Williamsonn quote. Who am I not to be able to dream big, change my life, walk a half marathon, meet a fabulous man and fall in love, be a great mom, write amazing books, find success at work. Why the heck not?

Heavy heart and glimmers of hope

The images of the devastation and loss of life in Haiti wash over me and my heart gets so heavy and I can't help but cry. Just imagine your child lost in the rubble, being separated from your family or sleeping next to a corpse because there is no where else to go. Anyone else out there been reduced to a puddle of tears over this tragedy? I read tonight that they are still pulling people alive out of the rubble - I am sure that their loved ones are ecstatic.

As always in times of crisis, the human race seems to wake up from its siloed view of the world and open their hearts, prayers, emotions and wallets to help someone whom they do not know. We seem to "get" in these moments of tragedy that we do have a responsibility to help one another and that those of us who reside on this planet really are connected. The genuine love, compassion, aid and care being directed toward Haiti from our county and from around the world are the glimmers of hope from this tragedy. If we can get together across party lines in this country, and international borders with other countries to help Haiti - why in the world can't we all get it together to work on the other problems on the planet? A tragedy seems to bring out our universal, shared connection - that which makes us spirit as well as human and once again bring home the point that we really are more alike than different. The expression that we are spiritual beings having a human experience seems to come to life in these times.

Of course, there is always someone (if I was being ugly, I would call them idiots) who take times like this to bash people who are different than themselves, practice a different religion or politicize a nightmare situation for press coverage. I won't give these two guys the coverage in my blog but you probably know who they are... My two cents to those guys is guess what - you are not superior to anyone else because of your race, religion or politics... No one wishes for this to happen to someone else and no one deserves it. And guess what, we do have a moral obligation as spritual beings and members of the human race to lend a hand, a prayer and support to those in crisis no matter in what country they reside. For the folks who read the bible - when Jesus told us to help the least of his brothers, he did not add a bunch of qualifiers as to who deserves the help.

Tragedy remains but my heavy heart is lightened a bit with the outpouring of love and compassion from across the world.

The magic and power of words

Words- written, spoken, a well told story all have tremendous power and bring me joy and inspiration. The power of the words we use to describe ourselves and others can uplift or dampen our spirits. I am reading a book by Wayne Dyer about the power of intention and attuning your vision, dreams, thoughts and attitude with your desired reality. The words we use have an equally powerful impact on our reality. I am still working on using gentler, kinder words with myself and those in my life. If thoughts and words have the power to manifest change in my life- I had better watch what I say and ensure it expresses what I want in my life.

A well told story, much like a beautiful piece of art or music can bridge generations, cultures and points of view. Words can entertain, enlighten, teach and touch your heart. Isn't diving into a good book, article or even losing yourself in in a story on the silver screen, the ultimate way of "walking in someone else's shoes" and learning about the world outside your own walls? To me writing and reading are the glue that connect my everyday life with both my inner self and the wisdom of others. I have read some amazing work over the years- both fiction and non-fiction and what strikes me is that whether a story is based in Afghanistan, Russia, China, the US or Chile - the human experience has much more in common than not. Dreams, desires, love, sorrow, joy, pain, the search for truth, and often for something "more" seem to be universal. Perhaps we really do lead an interconnected existence. Perhaps quantum physics is correct and the energy of life, in all its forms, really does intersect at a basic level and one person's experience is shared by all. Puts a whole new twist on being "your brother's keeper."

I have loved to read as long as I can remember- ever since my first grade teacher, Sister Mary Elizabeth taught me how to decipher letters into words and translate them into the magic of stories and books. The alchemy of words - truly transformative, magical thoughts put to paper or music have brought great joy into my life. It thrills me to see that Lily has a love for reading and pains me that Avery is still struggling with that translation that Sister Elizabeth taught me so well. I hope that both of my girls find the joy and magic in words and books. It will change and improve their lives in immeasurable ways.

Gratitude, solitude and a new year

I have been remiss in my blogging duties, caught up I suppose in life- work, kids, holidays, dating and all of the wonderful things that I am supposed to be writing about. The dawning of new year and in fact a new decade seems like a good time to reflect, write and of course reinvent.

What have I learned in the past year and decade? More than I can even imagine if life experience is truly the best teacher. In the past ten years I became a mom for the second time, traveled to China again, managed some health challenges and surgery, survived the incredible pain of betrayal and divorce, mourned the loss of my father, moved, dated, worked, deepened friendships, made new friends and welcomed my sister into my home. I have cried, meditated, mothered, smiled, prayed, loved, laughed, written, read, and in the end celebrated my life..the good and the tough times. I love the concept of gratitude as a form of prayer. It is the ultimate thank you to God, the Creator, the Universe - whatever your beliefs tell you about a higher power or plan in our lives. Seems like a simple concept, but one that I must remind myself to do. Makes sense that if I want to open my life, heart and spirit to new joys, people and opportunities, I had better recognize what is all around me already.

For me that sometimes takes solitude..and getting quiet to drown out the noise of bills, kids, barking dogs, unfinished manuscripts, the ex-husband, late child support, bosses who want reports and numbers, and great guys I meet who don't seem to realize how fabulous I am (LOL) or who are not quite ready for a woman like me. My life is actually full of blessings that I see clearly when I open my eyes.

In 2010, I will find a way to give myself that solitude, quiet time for thinking, reflection, visualizing and dreaming. This is my year to manifest so much in my life- new love, a relationship, finished manuscripts, career growth or change, the completion of a half-marathon, a healthy and fit body... One of the reasons that I love walking/jogging vs. going to the gym is that it gives me a chance to be alone (a rarity in my life.) All of my dreams for the year are going to require that gift to myself of quiet time to connect with spirit and with myself. I have found meditation to be extremely helpful and soothing to my soul. Clearing my thoughts through mediation actually helps me get clarity about all the situations in my life -if of course I want clarity! Getting quiet will help me connect to write, to more clearly map out my career, to get aha moments of insight about ny kids and to recognize that special man when he shows up. It also results in me being a little kinder and more gentle with myself..

Happy New Year to all- I hope everyone finds peace, joy and your own sources of gratitude in the coming year.

Bittersweet memories and agreements

December 11 - this has been a strange day for me. Ten years ago today I married my now ex-husband. Yes, this would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. However, almost 5 years ago at the end of January, 2005, my world felt like it was falling apart. I learned of my husband's infidelity and 9 month affair and by the summer of 2005, our marriage was officially and legally over. All of these years later, after the tears, prayer, meditation, counseling and ultimately forgiveness - of him and of myself, I find myself thinking about what this now long ended union brought into my life. I felt no anger or bitterness today...just a twinge of sadness of what might have been, not neccesarily with him, but with a man who really would have loved and cherished me as the vows ask one to do.

Top on the list of what I gained from my marriage is Dani - the amazing, beautiful young woman who became my stepdaughter and now is a 21 year old college junior. So hard to imagine that I met her when she was in the 5th grade which is the same age as my Lily. Ten plus years of having Dani in my life is well worth the pain of my marriage and divorce. She will always be my stepdaughter and in my heart.

I also learned so much about myself during that short lived marriage, through surviving betrayal and then divorce. I learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, that time really does heal, that I can bite my tongue almost all the way off to stop myself from saying something that will hurt my kids and that forgiveness and healing from the worst pain imaginable is actually possible.

A dear friend of mine is reading the Four Agreements - a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read it a number of years ago while going through my divorce and his mention of it brought back its meaning to me.

The book is a fascinating way to look at life and find happiness based on the Toltec teachings. The agreements help you break other false agreements that you have made with yourself and with others that cause pain and needless suffering. They remind me of some of the messages of detachment that you find in Buddhist philosophy.

The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The agreements sound like basic common sense but are harder to live by than they might seem. Agreement number two in particular seems to apply to what this day signifies to me. Realizing that nothing that my ex-husband said, did or didn't do really had anything to do with me. It was all of his "stuff", his problems, his issues and lessons. I had my own lessons and stuff to deal with but learning not to take his actions and words personally was HARD but neccessary for my healing and ability to make it through the pain I was feeling at that time.

Funny how things can come full circle. The Four Agreements is really a book about living authentically- my biggest goal in my desire to reinvent my life.
Time to pull it off the bookshelf!

Vicky's secrets, lies, men, daughters and body image

I am a 46 year old woman.. and for at least 30 of those years, probably more, I hate to share the fact the a common theme and/or concern for me has been my body. Weight, body image, seeing myself as too fat, or believe it or not at times too thin (much more rare - early 20's when I was living on Dexatrim and didn't eat)..never good enough. Thinner was always better and meant pretty when I was growing up. I know that I share this issue with many women. Gorgeous, brilliant, successful and interestingly enough - often in women with wonderful figures. They (and I) always find our flaws. How can I have so much in life and still let a day be filled with concern because my hot, red, party dress for next week's bash may not fit exactly as I think it should.

I know I am not alone. I have a colleague- a drop dead gorgeous woman who works out regularly and literally has the perfect body. She was lamenting recently about the fact that she ate two or three slices of pound cake over the weekend. I would venture to guess than even the hot Victoria's Secret models worry over camera angles, cellulite and imagined body flaws.

It would be really convenient to blame men for all of this angst. You know, men - who love gorgeous thin women, adore and fantasize about centerfolds and porn stars. Isn't it their fault that we are trying to live up to some impossible image, some fantasy of the skinny stripper with big, fake boobs? After all, they like that stuff.. Except for the fact men seem to accept, desire and love women without the judgments that we often put on oursleves. I have been flirted with and asked out regularly over the past 30 years= actually more today than ever. Look around, women of all shapes and sizes often have adoring men at their sides. I think men respond to passionate, sexually confident (it really does get better for us over the years- subject of another post), and interested woman..period and when in the throes of passion are really not judging us or analyzing our cellulite levels. Thank God for men - you ROCK.

So if we can't blame men...lets blame the media. The Dove true beauty campaign was fascinating as it exposed all of the photoshopping and engineering that goes into a simple ad - neck thinned and stretched, cheekbones made more prominent, face thinned- you name it. I showed it to my 10 year old daughter who said "Nobody really looks like that then.." Truer words were never spoken. Factor in the very skinny models and actresses- and we do have a problem. Especially with young girls who don't yet know their worth and can't separate fantasy from reality. When I see the ultrathin models- maybe it is the mom in me, but all I can think about is that I really want to make them a sandwich! I do believe that media stereotypes are an issue and creating problems for our daughters. I will talk to my girls about those images and the expectations that they might create. But, really doesn't it come back to me in the end?

I am the one letting all of that nonsense in to my psyche. Nobody rents space in your head without your permission- I am still working on that. I am a smart, attractive, generous, sensuous, loving and successful woman. I am dating and men find me pretty and sexy. I am preparing to walk/jog a 1/2 marathon, eat healthy and remain committed to fitness. I take care of myself and feel better when I work out and eat right. Why isn't that enough for me.

So, this part of me is a work in progress, one that I will let my daughters in to see. I will celebrate the fact that men are pretty great. And I will have a heck of a time at my Holiday Bash in my hot, red party dress!