Wired to care.

I had a fascinating conversation this week with a colleague in the non-profit world about what drives us as human beings to help, volunteer, donate and reach out to others.

At times the need seems so deep - genocide, crimes against humanity, gender violence around the world, preventing child abuse and sexual trafficking, helping sick kids, clean water, ending poverty, fighting disease, promoting health, disaster relief, feeding the hungry, concern for animals, saving the planet.... The list of causes and needs could go on and on. Sometimes this list grows so long in our consciousness that it is overwhelming.

I believe human beings are good by nature and that a caring, compassionate spirit is inside the real us - although it can often be buried under a hardend facade or a cynical exterior. It never ceases to amaze me how we humans rise up and help another in need. Often I wonder, though, if folks just get saturated with sorrow and tune out the images, the news reports and the appeals for help. We ask oursleves, why should I care about something happening on another continent? Or there is no point - my contribution or time will just be a drop in the bucket so I am going to hide away from the pain. .

Then something happens- a tornado, earthquake, diagnosis, a photo of a starving child whose eyes haunt us or perhaps a news story on genocide in Darfur and the enormity of the loss of life strikes us. Of course we care, even if it happens across the globe. Why, because we see ourselves in another's eyss. There except for one strand of DNA or a twist of fate and that could be us. Sometimes I wonder if it is God's way of reminding us to be grateful for our own lives. I read a great quote the other day from a woman who was sharing the great advice her mother had given her - she said if you are depressed or sad go out and do somthing for someone else, it will put your problems in perspective.

On a deeper level, I think that at some point of our core we remember in these moments that we are all connected - at a soul level, at a cellular level and through our shared energy. Science is now proving this energetic connection between life. There is an amazing new documentary out called "I Am" which really demonstrates that physics prove that fundamental connection between us and that we are wired to care for one another. Compassion and cooperation are part of our DNA. I have just read about the film but can't wait to see it. I too believe that we are wired to care. The need seems overwhelming, but is it really? If all of us tapped into this wired reality of our hearts and spirits, couldn't we collectively make a huge dent in this pile of need?

That "wiring" is why we keep giving, volunteering, helping our neighbors and supporting causes that touch our hearts. It is also probably why is feels so good to help another person, be generous or to do he right thing - we are acting on our true nature, honoring our connections and that brings us joy. Think about it, have you ever met a happy person who also happens to be selfish, mean or uncaring - instead, they are miserable. Isn't it wonderful to know we are wired to care?

poetry

I follow up my recent blogpost about helping our girls keep their voice with something I think is quite extraordinary. My 12 year old daughter wrote a poem for her Language Arts class. In addition to the beauty of the words, I was impressed and actually rather in awe of her strength and confidence. I believe that she may indeed have her voice and I have a deep belief she will not lose it.

After much discussion, she agreed to allow me to post her work. She amazes me..

Taking Chances Lily Stephens 4/20/11

don’t sit around
for life
to find You

grasp it
in the palm of Your hands

let it shine
let Your dreams
become Your reality

its like a dare
You have two roads
to walk…

the easy-going,
popular,
obvious choice:
NO I can’t

Or…
with Your eyes beaming
You can walk
that plank
into the unknown realm
of YES I can

don’t let fear
cloud
Your courage

feel the wind
as You jump
out of the plane

let Your heart
skip a beat
as You finally
ride that ride

You are You
and only You
have the power
to what You become

so go ahead.
say NO
don’t climb that mountain
sit in the shadows
of Your dreams

OR
live life
create the climax to Your story.
Take Chances.

Helping our daughters keep their voice

Speak and stand in your truth. To thine own self be true. Follow your bliss. Be yourself. How many times have we heard and read these bits of wisdom? Follow your instincts. Know your worth. These nuggets of truth really do offer a road to happiness and peace, but are certainly harder to live by than it may appear on the surface.

The past weekent, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a fundraising event for G-CAPP (Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention) and the focal message of the evening was to help our girls - our daughters, nieces, granddaughters, sisters- find and keep their truth, voice and their spirit as they experience the tumultuous time of change that is adolescence. The special guests- Jane Fonda and Gabby Sibide told their stories of finding, keeping, sometimes losing and then re-discovering that very essential strength of sense many years later- often in mid-life.

Our girls seem to lose that sense of fearlessness and confidence that marks early girlhood. I have written of this before- about how these tigers (or I guess tigresses) of girlhood are strong, smart, confident, funny, like to get dirty, play sports, dream BIG and excel at school. If you have any doubt, observe a gaggle of 7-11 year old girls at play or as I have in large numbers at a slumber party! Unfortunately, they often lose a little of that luster when hormones, pressure, competition for male attention and societal mores that they be "good girls" but also sexy girls, not make a scene, not outshine the boys and by all means fit in that begins to kick in with puberty.

So how do we help them keep that strength, that voice and confidence? I don't think there are any easy answers. But here is a bit of what I have picked up and will do my best to try and do as a mom: let them discover who and what they are - without pushing them in the direction of your choice, create at haven at home where she can be her true essential self, try to remember what it feels like to be 12, 13, 14 and be discovering who you are while making mistakes along the way, listen without judgement and talk even if it doesn't seem as though she is listening.

The other aha moment from the evening was really a reminder- you can't expect your daughter to keep her voice, stand up for herself and know her worth - if you don't know yours. That may actually be the most powerful tool of all in this quest. Do I stay true to me, pursue my dreams with abandon, require respect from those in my life and love myself no matter what?

In spite of all the history, the statistics and concerns - I do have great hope for this generation of girls.

Karma...

Karma, what an interesting topic! It is not just the doctrine of eastern religions but a universal law - you reap what you sow, like attracts like, you give what you get, every action has a reaction. Some folks even believe that what returns to your life is actually three times what you dish out. So if you treat people poorly, cheat, or are deliberately unkind, you will get back consequences threefold. On a positive note, if you strive to be kind, reach out to others to help and act with integrity, the natural and divine law says the same will return to you in kind.

So what does this have to do with my reinvention journey? I made a conscious decision a number of years ago to better educate myself about the laws of karma and this has impacted how I deal with situations in my life. I strive to be as kind and generous as possible with my time, attention, love and material resources. Do I always meet that goal, heck no- but it is a goal and I work toward it.

The wonderful as well as frustrating thing about this concept is that laws like this have their own timeframe (not our emotionally driven schedule) and are universal. So you do not have to try and "make it happen." If someone does something awful to you, taking revenge is not the answer. Perhaps that is one reason that forgiveness is so important. The person will receive their due, it just may not come from you and you may not be there to see it. This is of course, much easier to say than to do.

There has been one time in my life in particular when I was so hurt that I really, really, really, really wanted to respond in kind and take revenge. I am not talking about self-defense- in my opinion, we have the right to do that. I mean revenge - to find a way to hurt the person who so hurt you. I restrained myself from going there and had a good friend who reminded me that "hurt people, hurt people." I am so glad that I remembered the lesson of karma during that time of pain. Now, many years later I have a broader perspective and have been able to retain relationships that would have been damaged with revenge. I was able to get through the experience with dignity and grace and I have some blessings in my life because of it. And when karma finally did catch up with the person involved, I didn't take any pleasure from it, it just made me sad.

Nobody goes through life jolly, happy and wearing rose colored glasses all the time. And sometimes it is hard to envision how all of this works when bad things happen to good people. But we are not privy to their lessons or their agreements with God or other people. I have to be honest and admit that I still struggle with the karmic meaning behind situations when children are hurt.

The whole idea of karma is on my mind this week because I have seen such wonderful things happen to two dear friends of mine. Friends who have endured some tough times and stayed loving, honest, kind and compassionate through their challenges. I can rejoice with them.

I have realized as well, that this universal law of action, sowing and reaping is sometimes hard to recognize because it doesn't always show up as we expect- we are not provided a balance sheet that says you do X and you get Y. Here is an example, I was talking to my daughters a few years ago about the importance of helping other people out when they need it. I have had the good fortune of being able to open my home as a place to stay on occasion when family and friends have needed a fresh start. My daughter said, "mom you must like helping people and maybe we (she and her sister) are your karma reward for helping them." Um, I think she could be more than a little correct. I tell that story NOT to pat myself on the back by any means but to demonstrate the intricate nature of all of this.

So when it gets tough and people around you seem to be getting ahead or gaining at your expense or the cost of another, remember there is much more here than meets the eye and as long as we stay focused on ourselves and our actions, the law of karma will take care of the rest.

Know your worth!

I have been helping a friend this week as she goes through the interview and negotitation process in her job search. Our conversations have reminded me once again that we often sell ourselves short and while we may at some level know our value and worth, we don't always express it to others and demand our due. Is it because we are women? Are we somehow taught that we are worth less, especially in the workplace? Shouldn't we just be grateful and quiet for what we have - unsatisfying relationships (at least you have one,) underpaid job, entry-level offer when our skills are worth so much more. Heck no, we shouldn't settle! I think we can learn a big, no a huge lesson from our male brethren on this one.

A guy will ask for a higher salary, will walk away from a poor offer, won't let someone take credit for or steal his idea, he will go for the CEO job, will expect he can get the woman of his dreams....somehow just assuming "of course I am worth it." And he is- and so are we. I wish I could put my finger on why we do this submissive dance and seem to feel that we need to take what we can get. So if you are doubting yourself in any area of your life- YOU are worth it. You are worth a partner who treats you well and with respect, you are worth success, you are worth equal pay, you are worth that top job, you are worth it all!

Ironically, the company would not raise the offer for my friend, but the recruiter said. "You did the right thing in refusing to settle for this pay, I have another position coming up that pays better and is more suited to your qualifications."

Here is my all time favorite quote from Marianne Williamson that sums it up beautifully:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Go for it and rock on!!

Borrowing my children from the future

What a gorgeous morning for the first day of Spring! The wind is brisk and fresh with a hint of the warmth and heat that is coming for the day. There is nothing so refreshing to me than a full breeze. The sky is cloudy yet not menacing, as if to say while it may shower, it will not storm today. It is the kind of day that does what the first day of spring is supposed to do- bring you feelings of hope for the future and gratitude for what you have in your life.

Perhaps it is the beauty of this day or maybe the tragedies happening in Japan and Libya but it is certainly a time of gratitude for me. Of course, gratitude for me always means looking to my daughters and their appearance and place in my life. I marvel, as usual, at how I could have gotten so lucky. Two baby girls living in different orphanages thousands of miles away in China each needing a mommy, a family. Me, back in the US wanting to become a mother...searching for her daughter(s.) And we all come together. Seems like something pretty miraculous to look on with gratitude.

Now as they grow, I marvel even more. It is pretty amazing to watch your little girls become young women. My oldest seems to be maturing at warp speed, I often shake my head and think, hold on now, I want to freeze time for a bit, don't grow up so fast. It seems as though they are little girls one minute and then all of a sudden, within a year or a few months they are no longer so young. I realize that I am lucky to be a small part of that transformation.

I am reminded of an old quote about how your children don't really "belong" to you you- they belong to themselves, you just borrow them for a little while... you host them for the future. I realize that in what will seem like a blink of an eye, they will be grown, off to college and their own lives. Yikes - that is going to bring a kind of bittersweet sorrow to me that I can only just imagine at this point. I will need to remember in those moments that I just borrowed them for a while.

As I am sure, all my fellow parents will attest, that bittersweet sorrow is all worth it. The joy, gladness in my heart, laughter and fullness that being a mom brings is worth any sadness, frustration and eyerolls/sighing that a pre-teen can dish out. It is easier when you realize that in growing up, they are going to begin distancing from you, separating into themselves- and that means that you have done your job.

For today, however, I am going to revel in being a mommy. I am going to remind them just how much I love them. I am going to pretend they are mine for today..let tomorrow get here when it comes.

What are you grateful for today?

Devastation in Japan...a global cosmic reminder

Like everyone else with connection to the outside world, I have been watching the reports of the devastating eathquake and tsunami in Japan. Incredibly sad footage and news coverage with a death toll that is mounting daily as villages are reached and appear to have literally been washed away. As always, when a tragedy like this strikes, people from around the globe rise up and lend a hand -donations of money, time, resources flow in to aid those who have been impacted. The wrath of Mother Nature seems to call us to action, be it a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, tornado, drought - the human spirit responds to the resulting pain in a powerful way.

For a while, we forget our self-imposed separateness and we can imagine ourselves in that situtation. A crying child being held by rescuers, for example, seems to resonate for all - no matter if that child is in New Orleans, Africa, Haiti, Indonesia or Japan. For a while we remember that we are ALL connected despite boundaries both real and imagined. We remember that pain, loss and grief are universal and felt as deeply here at home as they are on the other side of the world. We remember compassion and are reminded that it could just as easily be us or one of our family members lost to the unforgiving tide. As one of my friends likes to say - "there but by a chromosone and a twist of fate go I."

This tragedy struck me as even more deep than most in reminding us of this lesson. The tsnumai did its damage in Japan and then moved into other targets - different countries, different continents sharing the same threat and fear. The risk of nuclear meltdown in Japan surely had huge consequences beyond the country's borders.

My pollyanna attitude is going to come out now, but why do we forget about this unity and connectedness once the initial horror fades? Wouldn't it be amazing if we could marshall this sense of connectedness and common purpose on a regular basis to deal with shared problems across the globe. How many times do we need to see a devastating weather related disaster before we collectively say "crap, we need to get our collective act together and stop mistreating the planet." And how many children in this country and across the globe need to go to bed hungry or die of starvation and malnutrition before we decide that it is unacceptable. Really, in 2011 with all the the technology, advancements, and brilliance in the world should a child be dying of hunger? Or should a woman be dying of cervical cancer anywhere when it is preventable?

Obviously, we get caught up in our own life, problems and challenges, I am by no means diminishing those - I have a few big ones if my own right now. And then, the earth splits, the ocean roars, the winds spin out of control, rain is non-existent and we take notice.. a fellow human being needs help. I am an eternal optimist who believes in the innate goodness of the human spirit. These tragic moments give me hope that we do remember..somewhere buried deep, the unity of our souls, the interconnected nature of our existence.