Bittersweet memories and agreements

December 11 - this has been a strange day for me. Ten years ago today I married my now ex-husband. Yes, this would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. However, almost 5 years ago at the end of January, 2005, my world felt like it was falling apart. I learned of my husband's infidelity and 9 month affair and by the summer of 2005, our marriage was officially and legally over. All of these years later, after the tears, prayer, meditation, counseling and ultimately forgiveness - of him and of myself, I find myself thinking about what this now long ended union brought into my life. I felt no anger or bitterness today...just a twinge of sadness of what might have been, not neccesarily with him, but with a man who really would have loved and cherished me as the vows ask one to do.

Top on the list of what I gained from my marriage is Dani - the amazing, beautiful young woman who became my stepdaughter and now is a 21 year old college junior. So hard to imagine that I met her when she was in the 5th grade which is the same age as my Lily. Ten plus years of having Dani in my life is well worth the pain of my marriage and divorce. She will always be my stepdaughter and in my heart.

I also learned so much about myself during that short lived marriage, through surviving betrayal and then divorce. I learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, that time really does heal, that I can bite my tongue almost all the way off to stop myself from saying something that will hurt my kids and that forgiveness and healing from the worst pain imaginable is actually possible.

A dear friend of mine is reading the Four Agreements - a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read it a number of years ago while going through my divorce and his mention of it brought back its meaning to me.

The book is a fascinating way to look at life and find happiness based on the Toltec teachings. The agreements help you break other false agreements that you have made with yourself and with others that cause pain and needless suffering. They remind me of some of the messages of detachment that you find in Buddhist philosophy.

The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The agreements sound like basic common sense but are harder to live by than they might seem. Agreement number two in particular seems to apply to what this day signifies to me. Realizing that nothing that my ex-husband said, did or didn't do really had anything to do with me. It was all of his "stuff", his problems, his issues and lessons. I had my own lessons and stuff to deal with but learning not to take his actions and words personally was HARD but neccessary for my healing and ability to make it through the pain I was feeling at that time.

Funny how things can come full circle. The Four Agreements is really a book about living authentically- my biggest goal in my desire to reinvent my life.
Time to pull it off the bookshelf!