Race...it matters when it is you...

I have the amazing honor of raising two children who happen to be of a different race - Asian, chinese to be precise. People have asked me "are they mixed with something" when they see us together. I suppose that is a roundabout way of figuring out if I have an Asian husband or if they are indeed adopted. I am tempted to say, "yes, most days they are mixed with sugar but some days they are mixed with attitude like their mother!" Curiosity about our situation aside, raising Chinese daughters has been a fascinating experience when it comes to race, ethnicity and how much it impacts your life experience.

I was born and raised in your typical white, Catholic, middle class existence. Not too much diversity in my life. In fact, I think I was in about 3rd grade before I realized that everyone was not Catholic. In my small, sheltered world, everyone went to the same church and parish school. I made friends with people different than myself in high school and college and of course when I got in the work force, my world opened up even more. I have always been comfortable around folks of different backgrounds so I didn't really concern myself too much with the the trans-racial aspect of adopting my kids. Before adopting and shortly after, I read alot and attended various seminars about parenting kids of another culture or race to get ready to face any issues that would occur. Sometimes, I think we like to tell ourselves that it doesn't really matter, people should not or do not see color and that people make a bigger deal out of race than they need to and are too sensitive. That is an easier reaction when you happen not to be the one in the minority.


I remember when I first felt the flaw in that theory. Lily was about 18 months old and I had some photos taken at Sears. We had spent a lot of time outside that summer including a trip to the beach and in spite of my generous use of sunscreen, Lily's skin had deepened to a gorgeous tan. I stood at counter at Sears as the photos of kids came up on the screen. Up popped this photo of a beautiful, brown skinned Asian child and for a split second I had that exact thought before I recognized my own child. I had never thought of her as anything other than my Lily. In that moment all those many years ago, I had one of the biggest revelations of my life- that other people are going to see and first identify my child by her race. Before they even get to know her, some people will already have begun the process of forming an opinion about her and what she might be like.

That does not happen to me and I am not identified or described by my race. People do not say - "Oh yeah, I know Laurie, she is white, mom of two..." However, when you are of a different race or ethnicity, it sets you apart and is s defining factor in how others see, describe you and potentially react to you. And you are reminded of that fact every time you look in the mirror. It is something that I will never be able to fully understand since I have never experienced it. Of course, I do not believe that all people are out there making judgements every day about my girls or other people of color. But the fact is that it does and will happen at some point in their lives. The closest way I can try to relate is remembering times when I dealt with others who made assumptions about me because I am a woman. I remember many years ago when we stopped at a fast food restaurant in a rural area on the way to the beach, the young lady at the counter, asked this of my step-daughter about her sisters.. "what are they?" Dani responded, "they are children" and walked away.

I am fortunate that my girls attend very diverse elementary and middle schools so they have tons of exposure to children and adult of many backgrounds. Avery is still young enough to be living in childhood innocence about race. She and her classmates are not color-blind- they know they have differences, but they think those things that set them apart are cool. "Isn't it neat that Neha is Indian - she celebrates Diwali." "Speaking Spanish with my friends is fun."

Lily is entering a whole new world of awareness about race and identity. I asked her the other day what she remembers about our trip to China to adopt Avery. Lily was just about 5 years old and we took her with us on the journey. She remembers the long plane ride, falling asleep in her dinner and recalls thinking that "for once everyone else looked like she did." Her mom was the one who didn't look like the rest of the people around her.

I am watching Lily expand her circle of friends to include more and more girls of color. Before middle school started, she was having an online chat with three of those friends- one is Indian and two are African-American. She explained that the topic of conversation was about how the kids from one of the local elementary schools that feed into their new middle school were going to treat them. She explained that they went on a joint field trip with this school last year and there was only one child from that school class who was not white. Would the kids from this school treat them differently because they were not white? Of all the things they could be discussing before the start of middle school - this was on their mind. Obviously, one or more of the girls had experienced or read or heard something to cause concern. Of course, all worked out fine, the kids are all becoming friends and things are pretty smooth.

I will admit that I am in unfamiliar territory as I strive to help my girls navigate the waters of race. I am observing my eldest as she figures out who she is and how being from China fits into that picture. She seems to look everywhere for undertones of judgement about race and racism in TV shows, movies and in how others act. From what I have read, this is probably a very natural reaction and phase at this stage of her development as she learns how to grow and thrive and deal with uncertainty. Over time and through experience, she will learn how to more closely discern what is real and what is not. She will learn that for every person of prejudice, there is another who is not. She will learn to be careful not assume that she knows another's intention. She will learn to be strong and to be proud of being Chinese so that another's opinion will lose power.

I do not have the answers, but I do know that the world is not colorblind and when you are the one who is different, you feel that more deeply. My job is to help my daughters understand that yes they will be identified as Asian and that is a very good thing. The world is filled with an infinite variety of people - thank God. Imagine how boring it would be if it were not.